Violent ideation, can't let go of past anger

[Depression = 72% of members]

Cliff notes of 23 years - H has BPD.  It took me 10 years or so to even find a name for what describes his overall lack of emotional control that results in outbursts, depression, toxic shame, rage, impulsive behavior.  I found this site, and it's been a great help.  I am also a childhood survivor of 2 BPD parents with whom I am NC for at least a decade. 

We've had some basic improvements in the last 10 years, our 20s were pretty tumultuous with H trying desperately to avoid getting older, growing up.  Things calmed down a bit.  He got a full-time job.  He finished school.  We finally got married on our 20th anniversary.  There were ups and down, but I'd learned a bit of radical acceptance, and was accepting what I could and could not expect from him, and was okay with that.  I was mostly working on not JADEing, which is my biggest issue with keeping fights going. 

In his 30s he seemed to accept and embrace it, but now, in his 40s, he has been diagnosed with type II diabetes, has had kidney stones, and is embarrassed by some things men face getting older with these conditions.  He had a bad work environment for a few years that he had to leave in 2014, and claims he has been dead" since.  His boss I suspect was also BPD and I think she managed to trigger a lot of the anger he has towards his mother, plus made him feel he could do nothing about it, as with his mother, so he sat there and took the subtle, impossible to prove emotional abuse for about 3 years. 

He still has recurring anger from that episode.  Time has done nothing to help.  He remembers her, he goes off the deep end.  H sees coworkers who either were essentially the "golden children" and benefited from his treatment or ones who like him were scared to speak up, and he is angry at them.  Not uncomfortable.  Not, "I just don't like to be around them anymore, I have trust issues."  Angry.  Punch in the face or worse, angry.  He doesn't act on it - he hides behind the BPD public mask and bring it home to me, and finds a reason to yell at me. 

This is not limited to job-work.  He likes to do creative projects, often with other people.    Someone else makes him feel he's "working for free" for them, he gets triggered and has an intense anger reaction.  He agrees out of guilt and an initial excitement, but then partly due to other people simply not having the exact same goals, and him being a perfectionist, he starts to feel it's uneven, but stymies himself trying to be "nice" but then secretly starting to hate the person he's working with.  He can't politely say, "no" ever, but instead rails about how he's stuck being victimized by others expecting "free" labor" that he offered and insisted to do.  Yeah, some people take advantage.  And I try to tell him to simply tell them no up front, but he won't.  Others are well, just unempathetic and frankly kinda dumb about how much work he is doing for them, so he gets mad they can't appreciate it, but won't explain it, either.

Most recent:  He has a nice but flakey friend who wants to make a short film.  H agreed to write the screenplay - cool.  I want him to write, he should be writing, we both thought it would be a good exercise.  Film-guy also asked for help directing or shooting at times.  But, as in all creative projects, H cannot seem to play well with others, accept their faults and quirks, they all become painted black.  Film-guy, he wants to have a carefree project, with some loose guidelines about what to get on camera as long as film-guy and his wife look cool, he's happy.  This guy is fine if you can only shoot using a cell phone as long as he can look cool and play around being a director.  H wants a full-on professional production with all the pre-production meeting and planning, schedules weeks out, storyboards, grips, assistant directors, etc.  H is worried his name will be on a project that ends up being laughed at on youtube, and is mad he spent time trying to write an actual screenplay if no one will appreciate it as much as he expects.

I think the best idea would be to meet in the middle, and for H to loosen up, and for film-guy to be more serious.  But H can't do that, and film-guy is young and eosn't understand where H is coming from - being burned before on lots of projects.  He lost it last week, sent a stern (not mean, believe me, I've seen mean) text to the guy explaining why filming outside in drizzling cold weather was a bad idea, why he needed to plan more than one-two days out before the shoot.  I agreed they were things that needed to be said (much earlier, but ok), and did not find his tone to be that bad, knowing how bad it could be.  He went, did the shoot, and now thinks he's been banned from ever working with film-guy again because he's not messaged about future dates.  I think film-guy's wife is like, "you had fun last week, time to do real stuff this week" and he's got to wait for the other 3rd party with the equipment anyway... so I don't think H is being banned... I think they simply aren't doing anything for the next two weeks.

H got mad at some kids playing a video game last night.  This translates to him remembering being mad at the boss.  And film-guy. And his parents, his sister.  And yes, me, even though he avoids talking about it when he's ranting but not yelling yet. 

He is now obsessed with how he has chronic illnesses because he deserves them because it's karma for being a bad person.  How he fantasizes about killing the people who have hurt him.  How no good person could ever do that, and therefore he's bad, ruined, and yes, he's painting himself black at this time, but trying to justify it as well.  How he wants to be the cause of the downfall of some of the people he feels hurt him at that job, have ever made him feel bad.  How he's "fake nice" to everyone and can't stand it anymore and how he hates all people we know, and so on.  Ugly things he imagines doing to the people he is mad at from the old job or who have ever "wronged" him.  how he has "no friends" even though he does but he hides from them.  He kept going on and on last night, 1 am, about it, then tried to stab at me with, "you just won't ever understand."  and shut me completely out, and is being pissy with me today.  The house was cold this morning because he turned the AC too low, but I get yelled at "why is the damn house so cold?"  I dunno, I was in bed when you turned on the AC. 

I am sick myself, right now.  I have some appointments next month to see my own MDs to find out why I can't breathe and run a fever every day after 8 rounds of antibiotics.  I think he's mad I am ill, the house is not being kept up as well as I could 6 months ago, and he knows he's a dick for 1 - not helping more himself, and 2 - being mad at me for not cleaning as much as he was used to 3 - he's mad I dared get sick, too, 4 - he's mad the doctors didn't just "fix" me immediately.  He waffles between telling me he's sorry he knows he causes me stress making me break out and contributing to me not getting better, yells at me for not trying to get better, for not yelling at my doctors to fix it, etc.  His mom made a horrible comment (I think he's got some fleas and is definitely the reason he is how he is), "he's worried you're going to die on him and he won't have anyone to take care of him."  I have not shared that comment with him, I found it ugly and reflective of how she thinks her husband feels about her. 

I'm just writing because I am tired.  It's Friday, and I am looking at being stuck in the house with a moody, cranky person for 2 days.  I have things I'd like to get done, on my own timeline, but he's going to want to have me play scrub nurse for tasks he's deciding to do.  I am too tired to go anywhere else and have nowhere else to go.  I want right now to crawl into bed and be left alone.  I tried to get to be "early" last night and he still managed to make sleep impossible.  I work really hard to overcome my own natural tendency to be depressed.  I make an effort to be social and bring friends into our circle, but he hates everyone.  I joined a yarn club - he hates the husband of the girl who drives me... because a long time ago that guy took over a project after H left it.  So much hate and anger.  He's right, I can't understand.  I don't have the energy to maintain hate and anger.  I barely have the energy to get to and from work and do very basic things like take out the trash. 

[isilme]

Cliff notes of 23 years - H has BPD.  It took me 10 years or so to even find a name for what describes his overall lack of emotional control that results in outbursts, depression, toxic shame, rage, impulsive behavior.  I found this site, and it's been a great help.  I am also a childhood survivor of 2 BPD parents with whom I am NC for at least a decade. 

We've had some basic improvements in the last 10 years, our 20s were pretty tumultuous with H trying desperately to avoid getting older, growing up.  Things calmed down a bit.  He got a full-time job.  He finished school.  We finally got married on our 20th anniversary.  There were ups and down, but I'd learned a bit of radical acceptance, and was accepting what I could and could not expect from him, and was okay with that.  I was mostly working on not JADEing, which is my biggest issue with keeping fights going. 

In his 30s he seemed to accept and embrace it, but now, in his 40s, he has been diagnosed with type II diabetes, has had kidney stones, and is embarrassed by some things men face getting older with these conditions.  He had a bad work environment for a few years that he had to leave in 2014, and claims he has been dead" since.  His boss I suspect was also BPD and I think she managed to trigger a lot of the anger he has towards his mother, plus made him feel he could do nothing about it, as with his mother, so he sat there and took the subtle, impossible to prove emotional abuse for about 3 years. 

He still has recurring anger from that episode.  Time has done nothing to help.  He remembers her, he goes off the deep end.  H sees coworkers who either were essentially the "golden children" and benefited from his treatment or ones who like him were scared to speak up, and he is angry at them.  Not uncomfortable.  Not, "I just don't like to be around them anymore, I have trust issues."  Angry.  Punch in the face or worse, angry.  He doesn't act on it - he hides behind the BPD public mask and bring it home to me, and finds a reason to yell at me. 

This is not limited to job-work.  He likes to do creative projects, often with other people.    Someone else makes him feel he's "working for free" for them, he gets triggered and has an intense anger reaction.  He agrees out of guilt and an initial excitement, but then partly due to other people simply not having the exact same goals, and him being a perfectionist, he starts to feel it's uneven, but stymies himself trying to be "nice" but then secretly starting to hate the person he's working with.  He can't politely say, "no" ever, but instead rails about how he's stuck being victimized by others expecting "free" labor" that he offered and insisted to do.  Yeah, some people take advantage.  And I try to tell him to simply tell them no up front, but he won't.  Others are well, just unempathetic and frankly kinda dumb about how much work he is doing for them, so he gets mad they can't appreciate it, but won't explain it, either.

Most recent:  He has a nice but flakey friend who wants to make a short film.  H agreed to write the screenplay - cool.  I want him to write, he should be writing, we both thought it would be a good exercise.  Film-guy also asked for help directing or shooting at times.  But, as in all creative projects, H cannot seem to play well with others, accept their faults and quirks, they all become painted black.  Film-guy, he wants to have a carefree project, with some loose guidelines about what to get on camera as long as film-guy and his wife look cool, he's happy.  This guy is fine if you can only shoot using a cell phone as long as he can look cool and play around being a director.  H wants a full-on professional production with all the pre-production meeting and planning, schedules weeks out, storyboards, grips, assistant directors, etc.  H is worried his name will be on a project that ends up being laughed at on youtube, and is mad he spent time trying to write an actual screenplay if no one will appreciate it as much as he expects.

I think the best idea would be to meet in the middle, and for H to loosen up, and for film-guy to be more serious.  But H can't do that, and film-guy is young and eosn't understand where H is coming from - being burned before on lots of projects.  He lost it last week, sent a stern (not mean, believe me, I've seen mean) text to the guy explaining why filming outside in drizzling cold weather was a bad idea, why he needed to plan more than one-two days out before the shoot.  I agreed they were things that needed to be said (much earlier, but ok), and did not find his tone to be that bad, knowing how bad it could be.  He went, did the shoot, and now thinks he's been banned from ever working with film-guy again because he's not messaged about future dates.  I think film-guy's wife is like, "you had fun last week, time to do real stuff this week" and he's got to wait for the other 3rd party with the equipment anyway... so I don't think H is being banned... I think they simply aren't doing anything for the next two weeks.

H got mad at some kids playing a video game last night.  This translates to him remembering being mad at the boss.  And film-guy. And his parents, his sister.  And yes, me, even though he avoids talking about it when he's ranting but not yelling yet. 

He is now obsessed with how he has chronic illnesses because he deserves them because it's karma for being a bad person.  How he fantasizes about killing the people who have hurt him.  How no good person could ever do that, and therefore he's bad, ruined, and yes, he's painting himself black at this time, but trying to justify it as well.  How he wants to be the cause of the downfall of some of the people he feels hurt him at that job, have ever made him feel bad.  How he's "fake nice" to everyone and can't stand it anymore and how he hates all people we know, and so on.  Ugly things he imagines doing to the people he is mad at from the old job or who have ever "wronged" him.  how he has "no friends" even though he does but he hides from them.  He kept going on and on last night, 1 am, about it, then tried to stab at me with, "you just won't ever understand."  and shut me completely out, and is being pissy with me today.  The house was cold this morning because he turned the AC too low, but I get yelled at "why is the damn house so cold?"  I dunno, I was in bed when you turned on the AC. 

I am sick myself, right now.  I have some appointments next month to see my own MDs to find out why I can't breathe and run a fever every day after 8 rounds of antibiotics.  I think he's mad I am ill, the house is not being kept up as well as I could 6 months ago, and he knows he's a dick for 1 - not helping more himself, and 2 - being mad at me for not cleaning as much as he was used to 3 - he's mad I dared get sick, too, 4 - he's mad the doctors didn't just "fix" me immediately.  He waffles between telling me he's sorry he knows he causes me stress making me break out and contributing to me not getting better, yells at me for not trying to get better, for not yelling at my doctors to fix it, etc.  His mom made a horrible comment (I think he's got some fleas and is definitely the reason he is how he is), "he's worried you're going to die on him and he won't have anyone to take care of him."  I have not shared that comment with him, I found it ugly and reflective of how she thinks her husband feels about her. 

I'm just writing because I am tired.  It's Friday, and I am looking at being stuck in the house with a moody, cranky person for 2 days.  I have things I'd like to get done, on my own timeline, but he's going to want to have me play scrub nurse for tasks he's deciding to do.  I am too tired to go anywhere else and have nowhere else to go.  I want right now to crawl into bed and be left alone.  I tried to get to be "early" last night and he still managed to make sleep impossible.  I work really hard to overcome my own natural tendency to be depressed.  I make an effort to be social and bring friends into our circle, but he hates everyone.  I joined a yarn club - he hates the husband of the girl who drives me... because a long time ago that guy took over a project after H left it.  So much hate and anger.  He's right, I can't understand.  I don't have the energy to maintain hate and anger.  I barely have the energy to get to and from work and do very basic things like take out the trash. 

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