New to this

[Libster2000]

Hello,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 5 years. Our relationship has always been “too hard” and really tumultuous but when things are good they are SO good. The best part of our relationship is our friendship, and it’s a beautiful one.
Sometimes I feel like I’m wading through the bad times to get to the good times, and I know that isn’t honoring my girlfriend as a whole and complex person.
Our relationship is really confusing most of the time. I was 21 and she was 26 when we met. I had never been in a serious relationship and she had just gotten out of a 4 year tumultuous/ abusive relationship with a man twice her age. I am a woman 6 years younger than her. It gave me a big complex and I started out thinking I wasn’t worthy of her. Things were so intense and romantic at first. She is an amazing poet, and I was writing too at the time. We used to go on the  most magical adventures and write poems to each other all the time. I felt I had found my soul mate .
Things  started out complicated, but I was (am?) young and naive and really started to notice that things were off about six months into our courtship when she broke it off because she thought I couldn’t handle her. I was heartbroken that this whirlwind romance ended so abruptly and internalized everything, thinking I was a bad partner and just not enough for her.
She called me three days later crying and begging for me back. I wish I had known that was probably her fear of abandonment and that she may have been right in her decision to break it off, but I eagerly agreed to a second chance, and doubled down on trying to understand this woman who was so illusive. I committed to being a better partner and growing up quicker for her.
Three months later, I moved out of my parents house into an appartment with her. She “taught” me how to live with a partner— something I had never done before. I was determined to do it right this time. But as we got closer, we started having problems with intimacy. I am quite small and she is quite large, and she always compares our bodies. She has told me over and over that she doesn’t feel like I do (or can) desire her because our bodies are so different and we’re both women. I started comparing myself to all her ex- boyfriends (she mainly dated men before me) and felt so physically and sexually inadequate. I was very attracted to her, though I had never been with someone as big as her before. But the more she rationalized why I couldn’t be attracted to her, the more I started to question if I really was. I was (am?) too impressionable for her.
She talked me into a threesome even though i’d never been with a man because she wanted to feel desired and thought a man could fulfill that better than I could. I didn’t say no because I felt so bad about making her feel undesirable that I couldn’t stand in the way of her sexual satisfaction, especially when I was the reason she wasn’t getting it. The guy turned out to be more interested in me than her and we both ended up having sex with him. I had a good time, but afterwards she said that I was a slut and had betrayed her and should have ended the threesome when I noticed she wasn’t as included. I fought back unwisely saying that we were in it together and if she had said the word I would have stopped right away. This event is now a deep source of trauma for her and we rarely have sex anymore.

Anyway, I’m rambling because I don’t get to talk honestly about this to anyone but my therapist. My girlfriend had been experiencing suicidal episodes and had lost several jobs recently. Some of the suicidal ideation  she blames on me, and it breaks my heart because our relationship has gotten so strained that I can’t deffinitively day it’s false.

 She was recently diagnosed with BPD and is working with a therapist. This diagnosis has helped both me and her understand some of her unpredictable behaviors and hyper intelligence/ rationalization.

However, having a grown up in a house dominated by mental illness (dad and brother have/had bipolar disorder and brother killed himself 6 years ago), I am having a hard time resolving to commit my life to a partner with a serious mental illness. I already know how hard that can be, even when the beauty of the person can  make it worth it.

We are engaged but have no wedding plans because she says she does not feel loved or cared for enough by me.

I am at a point where I feel like i’m Going crazy. I have let her convince me of so many things that I don’t trust myself anymore and she says she has never trusted me. I don’t know if I am the monstrous, cold, uncaring  partner that she says I am, because I know her feelings about this are real, or if this dynamic will change if she gets more treatment for BPD and if I learn how to strengthen boundaries. I love this woman deeply and don’t want to be one more person who abandons her, but my life has fallen into shambles since meeting her. I no longer have friends because she thinks i’m Attracted to them. She is threatened by the relationship I have with my parents and feels in competition with my mom for my love. I am in school and have dropped out of two classes to take care of her when she’s suicidal and our relationship when it gets bad.

I still have this dream of a healthy relationship, if I can get my ___ together, learn some boundaries (which I am notoriously bad at) and provide enough financial stability for her to begin to heal. She is my best friend, my longest relationship, and my second biggest source of pain (grieving my brother being my first). I just don’t know if this dream will ever happen, and if it is worth giving up what I continue to give up for her. I am torn, can’t make a decision, feel like a bad partner, and she is doubting that I love her because she can feel all of these thoughts.

This is a really long intro post, but I hope some of you can provide some insight and advice for me on how to improve my relationship, or what I should do. Thank you.

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[once removed]

hi Libster2000, and

you and your girlfriend are about the age that my relationship started. it was my first adult/serious relationship too. like you, things were tumultuous and overwhelming at times, but great, the best of the best, in others.

experts will tell you that a strong support system is really critical. its good that youre seeing a therapist, and im glad youve reached out to us; i hope that you will make yourself at home here as part of the family. the recent diagnosis your girlfriend received can also really help, though it can also be a source of tension, as it can be a major life change.

the good news is that here you can learn skills for life, that will help you cope, help you navigate conflict, help you support your girlfriend, as well as move your relationship into healthier territory. it wont be easy, it wont change over night, and you also dont want to try to rock the boat and change too many things too quickly.

so the two of you are engaged right now but no plans to move forward. has she explained why she doesnt feel loved or cared for by you?