traumatic breakup with BPD boyfriend - still involved, so hot and cold

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

Warning - this is SO long. If anyone can power through and give me some advice, I would be forever grateful. I'm so lost.

My breakup with my BPD ex was sudden and traumatic. We met in high school, dated for 3 years - lasted through lots of life changes. When we met he was sweet and shy - his friend group sort of shunned him, they would tell me about his "weird" behaviors. He felt out of place so during lunch he would eat with a teacher. We started talking because he'd seen me upset, so he asked a mutual friend for my # and texted me to offer support. So sweet and unexpected considering we hadn't talked since middle school.

We hung out every week that summer. I was apprehensive about dating bc I'd been hurt before and I struggle with pretty severe depression (on and off) since a sexual assault I had. I was scared, but he was so open and sweet and we just had so much fun and just meshed. Both of us have a happy, lighthearted childish spirit. He goes on vacation for a week and I never hear from him again - texted him with no response. So I was bummed but moved on. School started back up and he avoided me like the plague until around October I sent him a random text. We had a brief convo, the next day he enthusiastically says hi and reaches out again that week, asking to hang out like nothing happened. Things started back up, we went to a dance together but he completely switched, was an asshole and ignored me for the night. I was convinced that I shouldn't be involved but he switched back to being so sweet and explained that he'd been too intimidated to start things back up w me after his vacation bc he's insecure and we started dating.

The next 2.5 years were bizarre but wonderful. We loved each other really intensely and found a lot of support within each other. Background - he comes from an extremely dysfunctional family - super rich but parents that DESPISE each other, crazy verbal/emotional abuse. His father was/is a high functioning alcoholic/drug addict who is well known around town for being super successful and charismatic. Their house is hell but on the outside looking in they're a perfect family - everyone pushes everything (including his mental illness) under the rug. His dad abandoned him a lot as a child and there was a lot of trauma witnessing intense fighting, running away for nights without being noticed. They fist fight and things get abusive. But when he hit middle school his dad became more present and bonded over sports and funneled him money to try and compensate, so they got really "close." He shut out his mom, getting verbally abusive. She means well but is very frantic bc of her abuse - will argue incessantly and stand at the door and rant, so it really triggers his anxiety. He isolated himself and although he had "friends" in a popular crowd, nobody really knew him.

None of these behaviors transferred over to our relationship. He was so loving - lots of meaningful gestures, became a true part of my super close family. He was super social and goofy and a weirdo that my friends and family absolutely adored. We were very codependent in hindsight, but just loved each other that much. He'd come on family vacations, was completely assumed by us and everyone that we'd get married. But he had concerning behaviors that I wrote off bc I understood his struggles and loved him so deeply. He would have intense anger (not towards me at this point) and would punch walls and has severe OCD  (barely treated). Bc I struggled with my own mental illness and I tend to be a loving person who puts others above me (to a fault - I'm a "fixer"), I offered him unconditional support/empathy. I was almost always involved in the OCD rituals - usually they were triggered pretty solely by the thought of something bad happening to me or me not loving him. I would sit and repeat "I love you..." "I'm not gonna die..." until it clicked for him. I gave into the rituals bc I didn't know better and I really wanted to help.

Maybe 1.5 years in they evolved into blaming me for ridiculous things - he'd blow up over almost nothing (me resting my elbow on the console in his car, "interrupting" him while he was talking bc my baby cousin fell and i turned around to help him). He would morph into this completely different person - a rage filled person that could shun me for hours until I apologized (often I had to repeat it hundreds of times). Then he would snap out of it and be totally loving again, but I felt so defeated and worthless and self-judgmental. This took a toll - he wasn't intentionally controlling or manipulative, in fact he was super attached (which I loved bc I was naive about how problematic that could be), but my self esteem completely wore down bc he blamed me (again, not on purpose) for every issue we had and I just became a zombie around him sometimes. I wanted to die at the thought of leaving him, so that was NEVER on my radar, but also I would get so easily annoyed or almost scared to be around him, dreading it but at the same time craving it. The person who made me feel more loved than ever also made me feel worthless, and the alternation between these two "different people" was so jarring and confusing. But I always believed we'd end up together, we had all of these plans and were SUPER committed to each other - he wasn't shy about expressing that I was the love of his life and his best friend and I was it for him. So i took these struggles as part of his mental illness and home life and although I did my best to stick up for myself, I just wanted to support him so badly and I really thought we'd found each other for a reason, to understand each other in a way that no one else could. I really was (and still am) the only person who truly knows him or has ever taken the time to care, so I was the only person he ever opened up to, to the point where his parents would come to me barely aware of his problems (they wanted to help, but were too deeply involved in their own drama that it never happened. broke my heart that he fell by the wayside). I'd hold him and tell him how amazing he was while he sobbed about how he hated himself but also sometimes he'd come off like this cocky narcissist so focused on money and status (it became a measure of self worth when he fell in with a wealthy crowd in college (he'd always spent impulsively though) but he was "my (insert name here)" with just me/my fam so I negotiated the benefits/harms and chose him). I had so much empathy, but the OCD and random hostility wore on me and we began to resent each other, while still loving each other and spending all of our free time together. So towards the end of last summer things weren't great, I was so confused and hurt - where was the person I'd always known? What had I done wrong?

The gradual slip took a sharp, completely unexpected turn at the start of the semester. Long story short, things went from him buying me a toothbrush to use when I visited his new apartment to getting the typical I love you so much texts and daily happy facetimes to him devaluing me within days. He'd met a girl (she also has BPD, has a reputation for really hurting people BADLY, is known to be manipulative and will step on anyone's toes to get what she wants, has been this way since childhood and has ruined some lives - messed with me in a really cruel way. People came out of the woodwork to warn me and him). Ironically enough I saw that she'd transferred to his school and suggested he reach out to her bc she was probably lonely and she grew up in our town so we sort of knew of her. I was so trusting bc he was so so loyal always. But they hung out for 9 hours that first day and he switched on me. Weird bc he had lots of girl friends and always emphasized how amazing I was to him, never felt jealous/threatened. By the end of the week he'd gotten so harsh and cruel, told me he never loved me, that I was physically and sexually repulsive and he'd only ever seen me as a friend (this got to me bc of my assault and he was also sexually dysfunctional but I blamed myself). He ended up cheating on me, cutting me off and ignoring me without breaking up with me yet so I was in the dark and desperate for answers, he brought her to dinner with his family that week, I saw that he was at her house that weekend so I called him and told him to break up with me in person and show me some respect. I felt so easily replaced and again couldn't understand how he could change so dramatically so rapidly. Wouldn't agree to see me until his dad threatened to shut off his credit card and made me drive 45 min to her house to pick him up so he could break my heart (pathetic of me, I know). He showed some remorse, sobbed and said he couldn't let go but had this bizarre rationalization of why we couldn't work that truly made no sense and wasn't even factual. But in the end I dropped him off and he wanted a hug, we were sobbing saying I love you so much and then the girl came out into the driveway with her arms crossed staring. I was terrified and drove away. We went back and forth for weeks with me desperate - it was I love you but have no sexual attraction but want to be with you but don't know how, I want nothing to do with you, cutting me off, etc. Eventually it ended hostile with me FINALLY sticking up for myself. I was devastated, I can't emphasize that enough, and tried everything I could to get him to see that his rationale made no sense and that we had something so special, but I lost - I'd lost all self respect at that point. His parents maintained contact with me, both venting about their concern and how helpless they felt, their divorce (they moved out the week he flipped so maybe a trigger?), how much they loved me, etc.

I was crushed. Deepest depression I've ever been in, sense of self completely shattered. Lost 30 pounds bc I couldn't eat, functioned in school and work but looked/felt like a zombie every day. Was so suicidal, I just couldn't understand what had happened. Every day I obsessively analyzed everything trying to make sense of it, trying desperately to understand what'd happened to me. I'd convinced myself that he never really loved me (as he told me) and I couldn't live with that bc those were the most important years of my life and he meant everything to me. I couldn't even watch a sex scene in a movie without  wanting to crawl out of my body, I felt that disgusting.

Eventually my mom feared for my safety bc I'd expressed a lot of suicidal ideation so she texts him and begs him to just give me answers. He was shocked and so hurt, said how much he loved me but there was something "intangible missing that couldn't be created". He picked me up and for the first time in 4 months I talked to somebody I'd talked to every day for 3 years. Was surreal, never though I'd hear from him again. Turns out he'd been diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, PTSD, depression on top of OCD. Explained the splitting, devaluation, etc. Turns out him and that girl idealized each other, complete infatuation - I love you within a week, living together for a month then despising each other for no reason at all. He barely remembers what happened, he says he felt like he wasn't living in reality since we broke up, since then she's lashed out at me in a really nasty way and he's written her off, hates her and sees the situation for what it was. I stuck up for myself (first time I've ever confronted anyone ever) and have made my peace with it. But it broke me, knowing he was cheating on me and involved with her so intensely while I was agonizing. That in his mental fog as he calls it he truly believed this girl he met a week before was his soulmate and knew him better than I ever had. He'd been arrested, got a tattoo (very unlike him, he was so straight laced), and is now high 24/7. Has a constant partying social life at school but again, he hides behind a facade. That night we immediately reverted back to "us," hung out all month, I love you I missed you, he told me he was there for me and I really put him through the wringer trying to get him to see what he'd done. He was devastated and ashamed and so accommodating to me and I felt like he really got it. I told him I could forgive and just wanted to help him. We spent all of our time together that month and acted like we were dating, our sex life did a complete 180 for the better, it all just works. But he's anti-commitment and wants to f** other girls bc it's a "waste of life to only have sex w one person". SO unlike him, seems like he's mirroring his dad now. He's completely disconnected, can't make it to class, admits he's super sick and has no identity but seems to take pride in being "f** up". Won't take his meds and puts off getting help. Since then we've been in pretty consistent contact, sometimes it's indifference then "let's get married after college" and calling me every day and I love you so much, etc. The texts and calls one week from another are so insanely contrasting.

Last time I visited he wanted to be in an open relationship and stuck up for me to that girl and we talked for days about how much he loved me and how I was it for him, he wanted to mess with other girls sex wise but at the end of the day I'm the person he wants to talk with and be with. It was an amazing weekend. Fell back into old traditions and made new ones and memories, bought me a beautiful, sentimental bday gift.Texted my friends all of this intense stuff about me but didn't come off as idealization bc he's very realistic about not wanting commitment and about changing our old patterns. Said it felt like it did when we were dating but better. He broke down sobbing in public a few times about how much he loved me. For a few weeks he told his dad we were "together" and it was pretty constant contact and happiness (I let him come to me), still BPD anger and up/down but I've learned not to react and am getting better at my emotional response and praising him for the positive steps he's taken (I'm in a lot of therapy and learned a lot about BPD). I'm much more independent and in a way better position to maintain my identity and navigate this relationship.

Then he goes back and wants me in his life in this way but w/o any commitment. Can't ever give me a straight answer. Will plan hanging out then a week later when I follow up calls me clingy/controlling. Literally tells me he loves me and is so intensely in love then goes back on everything and blames me, he's aware that he's doing it but can't pull it together. It's a rollercoaster ride and I'm devastated, I just want to be with him so badly and wish he'd take my help but I know only he can change himself. He's brought me around his family lots since and they all beg him to "keep me" bc they think I'm so good for him and see how much we love each other. His mom invites me over constantly, we're very close and support each other w our heartbreaks and she loves her son but knows he's mimicking his father and doesn't know how to stop it. Her and her daughter validate my feelings even though I know this is weird.

I'm seeing him tonight and don't know what to expect, I'm just not sure what feelings are real and if I should hold on. Or if he doesn't love me at all and I'm living in a fantasy land. My family is adamant about how angry they are and how bad this is for me, even though they used to love him like a son. What am I supposed to do? I feel like it's impossible to walk away. I feel trapped, like I will forever be traumatized by this. Can't imagine being w anyone else. He's just so dulled down and I wish I could pull his happy spirit out of this. Even though he can be so cruel and hurts me so badly, I admire and love him still. The up/down is killing me and it's exhausting unravelling the self blame when he suddenly stops caring about me, then the shock when he comes back. I know I don't deserve this but I can't let go of our future. He's truly my best friend.

[allovertheplace]

Hi everyone,

Warning - this is SO long. If anyone can power through and give me some advice, I would be forever grateful. I'm so lost.

My breakup with my BPD ex was sudden and traumatic. We met in high school, dated for 3 years - lasted through lots of life changes. When we met he was sweet and shy - his friend group sort of shunned him, they would tell me about his "weird" behaviors. He felt out of place so during lunch he would eat with a teacher. We started talking because he'd seen me upset, so he asked a mutual friend for my # and texted me to offer support. So sweet and unexpected considering we hadn't talked since middle school.

We hung out every week that summer. I was apprehensive about dating bc I'd been hurt before and I struggle with pretty severe depression (on and off) since a sexual assault I had. I was scared, but he was so open and sweet and we just had so much fun and just meshed. Both of us have a happy, lighthearted childish spirit. He goes on vacation for a week and I never hear from him again - texted him with no response. So I was bummed but moved on. School started back up and he avoided me like the plague until around October I sent him a random text. We had a brief convo, the next day he enthusiastically says hi and reaches out again that week, asking to hang out like nothing happened. Things started back up, we went to a dance together but he completely switched, was an asshole and ignored me for the night. I was convinced that I shouldn't be involved but he switched back to being so sweet and explained that he'd been too intimidated to start things back up w me after his vacation bc he's insecure and we started dating.

The next 2.5 years were bizarre but wonderful. We loved each other really intensely and found a lot of support within each other. Background - he comes from an extremely dysfunctional family - super rich but parents that DESPISE each other, crazy verbal/emotional abuse. His father was/is a high functioning alcoholic/drug addict who is well known around town for being super successful and charismatic. Their house is hell but on the outside looking in they're a perfect family - everyone pushes everything (including his mental illness) under the rug. His dad abandoned him a lot as a child and there was a lot of trauma witnessing intense fighting, running away for nights without being noticed. They fist fight and things get abusive. But when he hit middle school his dad became more present and bonded over sports and funneled him money to try and compensate, so they got really "close." He shut out his mom, getting verbally abusive. She means well but is very frantic bc of her abuse - will argue incessantly and stand at the door and rant, so it really triggers his anxiety. He isolated himself and although he had "friends" in a popular crowd, nobody really knew him.

None of these behaviors transferred over to our relationship. He was so loving - lots of meaningful gestures, became a true part of my super close family. He was super social and goofy and a weirdo that my friends and family absolutely adored. We were very codependent in hindsight, but just loved each other that much. He'd come on family vacations, was completely assumed by us and everyone that we'd get married. But he had concerning behaviors that I wrote off bc I understood his struggles and loved him so deeply. He would have intense anger (not towards me at this point) and would punch walls and has severe OCD  (barely treated). Bc I struggled with my own mental illness and I tend to be a loving person who puts others above me (to a fault - I'm a "fixer"), I offered him unconditional support/empathy. I was almost always involved in the OCD rituals - usually they were triggered pretty solely by the thought of something bad happening to me or me not loving him. I would sit and repeat "I love you..." "I'm not gonna die..." until it clicked for him. I gave into the rituals bc I didn't know better and I really wanted to help.

Maybe 1.5 years in they evolved into blaming me for ridiculous things - he'd blow up over almost nothing (me resting my elbow on the console in his car, "interrupting" him while he was talking bc my baby cousin fell and i turned around to help him). He would morph into this completely different person - a rage filled person that could shun me for hours until I apologized (often I had to repeat it hundreds of times). Then he would snap out of it and be totally loving again, but I felt so defeated and worthless and self-judgmental. This took a toll - he wasn't intentionally controlling or manipulative, in fact he was super attached (which I loved bc I was naive about how problematic that could be), but my self esteem completely wore down bc he blamed me (again, not on purpose) for every issue we had and I just became a zombie around him sometimes. I wanted to die at the thought of leaving him, so that was NEVER on my radar, but also I would get so easily annoyed or almost scared to be around him, dreading it but at the same time craving it. The person who made me feel more loved than ever also made me feel worthless, and the alternation between these two "different people" was so jarring and confusing. But I always believed we'd end up together, we had all of these plans and were SUPER committed to each other - he wasn't shy about expressing that I was the love of his life and his best friend and I was it for him. So i took these struggles as part of his mental illness and home life and although I did my best to stick up for myself, I just wanted to support him so badly and I really thought we'd found each other for a reason, to understand each other in a way that no one else could. I really was (and still am) the only person who truly knows him or has ever taken the time to care, so I was the only person he ever opened up to, to the point where his parents would come to me barely aware of his problems (they wanted to help, but were too deeply involved in their own drama that it never happened. broke my heart that he fell by the wayside). I'd hold him and tell him how amazing he was while he sobbed about how he hated himself but also sometimes he'd come off like this cocky narcissist so focused on money and status (it became a measure of self worth when he fell in with a wealthy crowd in college (he'd always spent impulsively though) but he was "my (insert name here)" with just me/my fam so I negotiated the benefits/harms and chose him). I had so much empathy, but the OCD and random hostility wore on me and we began to resent each other, while still loving each other and spending all of our free time together. So towards the end of last summer things weren't great, I was so confused and hurt - where was the person I'd always known? What had I done wrong?

The gradual slip took a sharp, completely unexpected turn at the start of the semester. Long story short, things went from him buying me a toothbrush to use when I visited his new apartment to getting the typical I love you so much texts and daily happy facetimes to him devaluing me within days. He'd met a girl (she also has BPD, has a reputation for really hurting people BADLY, is known to be manipulative and will step on anyone's toes to get what she wants, has been this way since childhood and has ruined some lives - messed with me in a really cruel way. People came out of the woodwork to warn me and him). Ironically enough I saw that she'd transferred to his school and suggested he reach out to her bc she was probably lonely and she grew up in our town so we sort of knew of her. I was so trusting bc he was so so loyal always. But they hung out for 9 hours that first day and he switched on me. Weird bc he had lots of girl friends and always emphasized how amazing I was to him, never felt jealous/threatened. By the end of the week he'd gotten so harsh and cruel, told me he never loved me, that I was physically and sexually repulsive and he'd only ever seen me as a friend (this got to me bc of my assault and he was also sexually dysfunctional but I blamed myself). He ended up cheating on me, cutting me off and ignoring me without breaking up with me yet so I was in the dark and desperate for answers, he brought her to dinner with his family that week, I saw that he was at her house that weekend so I called him and told him to break up with me in person and show me some respect. I felt so easily replaced and again couldn't understand how he could change so dramatically so rapidly. Wouldn't agree to see me until his dad threatened to shut off his credit card and made me drive 45 min to her house to pick him up so he could break my heart (pathetic of me, I know). He showed some remorse, sobbed and said he couldn't let go but had this bizarre rationalization of why we couldn't work that truly made no sense and wasn't even factual. But in the end I dropped him off and he wanted a hug, we were sobbing saying I love you so much and then the girl came out into the driveway with her arms crossed staring. I was terrified and drove away. We went back and forth for weeks with me desperate - it was I love you but have no sexual attraction but want to be with you but don't know how, I want nothing to do with you, cutting me off, etc. Eventually it ended hostile with me FINALLY sticking up for myself. I was devastated, I can't emphasize that enough, and tried everything I could to get him to see that his rationale made no sense and that we had something so special, but I lost - I'd lost all self respect at that point. His parents maintained contact with me, both venting about their concern and how helpless they felt, their divorce (they moved out the week he flipped so maybe a trigger?), how much they loved me, etc.

I was crushed. Deepest depression I've ever been in, sense of self completely shattered. Lost 30 pounds bc I couldn't eat, functioned in school and work but looked/felt like a zombie every day. Was so suicidal, I just couldn't understand what had happened. Every day I obsessively analyzed everything trying to make sense of it, trying desperately to understand what'd happened to me. I'd convinced myself that he never really loved me (as he told me) and I couldn't live with that bc those were the most important years of my life and he meant everything to me. I couldn't even watch a sex scene in a movie without  wanting to crawl out of my body, I felt that disgusting.

Eventually my mom feared for my safety bc I'd expressed a lot of suicidal ideation so she texts him and begs him to just give me answers. He was shocked and so hurt, said how much he loved me but there was something "intangible missing that couldn't be created". He picked me up and for the first time in 4 months I talked to somebody I'd talked to every day for 3 years. Was surreal, never though I'd hear from him again. Turns out he'd been diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, PTSD, depression on top of OCD. Explained the splitting, devaluation, etc. Turns out him and that girl idealized each other, complete infatuation - I love you within a week, living together for a month then despising each other for no reason at all. He barely remembers what happened, he says he felt like he wasn't living in reality since we broke up, since then she's lashed out at me in a really nasty way and he's written her off, hates her and sees the situation for what it was. I stuck up for myself (first time I've ever confronted anyone ever) and have made my peace with it. But it broke me, knowing he was cheating on me and involved with her so intensely while I was agonizing. That in his mental fog as he calls it he truly believed this girl he met a week before was his soulmate and knew him better than I ever had. He'd been arrested, got a tattoo (very unlike him, he was so straight laced), and is now high 24/7. Has a constant partying social life at school but again, he hides behind a facade. That night we immediately reverted back to "us," hung out all month, I love you I missed you, he told me he was there for me and I really put him through the wringer trying to get him to see what he'd done. He was devastated and ashamed and so accommodating to me and I felt like he really got it. I told him I could forgive and just wanted to help him. We spent all of our time together that month and acted like we were dating, our sex life did a complete 180 for the better, it all just works. But he's anti-commitment and wants to f** other girls bc it's a "waste of life to only have sex w one person". SO unlike him, seems like he's mirroring his dad now. He's completely disconnected, can't make it to class, admits he's super sick and has no identity but seems to take pride in being "f** up". Won't take his meds and puts off getting help. Since then we've been in pretty consistent contact, sometimes it's indifference then "let's get married after college" and calling me every day and I love you so much, etc. The texts and calls one week from another are so insanely contrasting.

Last time I visited he wanted to be in an open relationship and stuck up for me to that girl and we talked for days about how much he loved me and how I was it for him, he wanted to mess with other girls sex wise but at the end of the day I'm the person he wants to talk with and be with. It was an amazing weekend. Fell back into old traditions and made new ones and memories, bought me a beautiful, sentimental bday gift.Texted my friends all of this intense stuff about me but didn't come off as idealization bc he's very realistic about not wanting commitment and about changing our old patterns. Said it felt like it did when we were dating but better. He broke down sobbing in public a few times about how much he loved me. For a few weeks he told his dad we were "together" and it was pretty constant contact and happiness (I let him come to me), still BPD anger and up/down but I've learned not to react and am getting better at my emotional response and praising him for the positive steps he's taken (I'm in a lot of therapy and learned a lot about BPD). I'm much more independent and in a way better position to maintain my identity and navigate this relationship.

Then he goes back and wants me in his life in this way but w/o any commitment. Can't ever give me a straight answer. Will plan hanging out then a week later when I follow up calls me clingy/controlling. Literally tells me he loves me and is so intensely in love then goes back on everything and blames me, he's aware that he's doing it but can't pull it together. It's a rollercoaster ride and I'm devastated, I just want to be with him so badly and wish he'd take my help but I know only he can change himself. He's brought me around his family lots since and they all beg him to "keep me" bc they think I'm so good for him and see how much we love each other. His mom invites me over constantly, we're very close and support each other w our heartbreaks and she loves her son but knows he's mimicking his father and doesn't know how to stop it. Her and her daughter validate my feelings even though I know this is weird.

I'm seeing him tonight and don't know what to expect, I'm just not sure what feelings are real and if I should hold on. Or if he doesn't love me at all and I'm living in a fantasy land. My family is adamant about how angry they are and how bad this is for me, even though they used to love him like a son. What am I supposed to do? I feel like it's impossible to walk away. I feel trapped, like I will forever be traumatized by this. Can't imagine being w anyone else. He's just so dulled down and I wish I could pull his happy spirit out of this. Even though he can be so cruel and hurts me so badly, I admire and love him still. The up/down is killing me and it's exhausting unravelling the self blame when he suddenly stops caring about me, then the shock when he comes back. I know I don't deserve this but I can't let go of our future. He's truly my best friend.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi allovertheplace!  Welcome to the BPD family!

While I'm sorry for what brought you here, I'm very glad you found us. You'll find that the other members here really do understand what you've been through and what you're going through.

That's an excellent summary of your relationship. It's very clear you've been on the BPD roller coaster, which is a bewildering and exhausting place to be. I know. I've been there.

You're right. His parents' divorce could very well have been a trigger. That's an emotional, stressful thing for anyone. For someone with intense emotions who doesn't know how to regulate in a healthy way, it can be like an emotional atomic bomb.

The push-pull you describe is very familiar and is very common in people with abandonment fears. They push you away because if they do the pushing, they're in control. My H is that way, too. You describe him being terrified of something happening to you or your not loving him. I was in a bad accident last year. While I wasn't hurt at all, my H is still traumatized by it. When he's in a "state" and talks about it, he gets this far-away look of terror, like he's living that morning all over again.

I just want to be with him so badly and wish he'd take my help but I know only he can change himself.

Yes. Exactly.   Not an easy thing to learn, but it's the truth. For someone who's a fixer (you'll discover A LOT of us are fixers around here), that's particularly hard. I had trouble really internalizing that with my husband but finally got there.

You have a lot of voices and pressures going on right now: your family, your BF, his family, your friends. It's easy for your own voice to be drowned out. You need to find a way to listen to that voice and focus on it. Ultimately, the decisions you make need to be your own.

There's a lot to unpack here so I hope you don't mind if I start small by asking a question.

You say he wants an open relationship. Is that something you want? Are you comfortable with that?

[itsmeSnap]

you'll discover A LOT of us are fixers around here

*Raises hand in agreement*

Hey allovertheplace

I'm just not sure what feelings are real

All of them are. That's something quite hard to get our heads around, but they do feel them quite intensely when they feel it, it is really "love you one second, hate you the next, love you again please don't leave me but I can't stand you".

That is their reality.

The up/down is killing me and it's exhausting unravelling the self blame when he suddenly stops caring about me, then the shock when he comes back

One way that works for me is to just expect it: like ok the boat has been rocked, time to put them sea legs to work.

The tools help you do that, practice makes perfect.

What am I supposed to do? I feel like it's impossible to walk away. I feel trapped, like I will forever be traumatized by this.
[..]
I know I don't deserve this but I can't let go of our future. He's truly my best friend.

You always have a choice, though it would be interesting for you to talk about why you feel you don't have any. There are consequences for every choice, true, but those can often be planned out and worked through.

Given the ups and downs, which will probably never go away tbh (it gets better with therapy/training, but never truly goes away), do you feel like you want to put in the work? its mostly self work so it will help you no matter what.

Like ozzie mentions: its your choice, make it your own, make it count.

[allovertheplace]

Hi guys, thank you so much for your thoughtful responses.

Ozzie, to answer your question, an open relationship isn’t really something I’d normally be very comfortable with. I’m used to very “normal,” smooth sailing happy relationships in my family so before this situation it’s something i’d honestly never considered. I’m one of those people who would be perfectly content meeting one person and spending forever with them if we were truly happy - it’s totally fair that he isn’t that way, although it’s such a far stretch from who he “used to be,” but I completely understand that not everyone has the same model of love/relationships. The issue for me is that he isn’t even consistent in wanting the open relationship, so as soon as I get myself to a place where I decide maybe I could try it and manage my emotions enough/adapt to make it work, he’s not interested anymore.

Take this weekend for example -

Long story short, he’d been lashing out for small things while I was visiting - leaving hair in the hairbrush or getting water on the countertop triggered his OCD and he got angry, yelling at me to “cut the sh****” and telling me I was useless because I can’t follow “the rules.” The OCD “rules” have always been a thing with us, even when we were dating, but the response was never with such genuine rage. I was feeling very low, but when he bounced back I tried to match that energy and let things go. I sort of got quiet and just hung my head and apologized, I know it’s not right to validate the behavior and let myself get mistreated but I also don’t know how to approach talking about things with him without a massive explosive argument ensuing so I never know how to react.

Before I left, I asked him how things stood - if he still felt the way he did the last time (I love you, want to be with you) because he seemed more standoffish. I told him that it was okay if not and I didn’t need to have a big discussion about it, i was just hurting and needed to know where to go from here. He ended up telling me everything he’s been saying for months (the I love you’s, etc.) were “fake” - he didn’t mean them or really remember saying them and he’s sorry he said them because it messed with me but they’re absolutely not true. Told me that he cares about me and loves me “in a way” but doesn’t want to date me or see me romantically and never will. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be intimate or kiss, snuggle, etc. - our “friendship” wouldn’t be platonic. Nevertheless, he would be sort of indifferent if I wasn’t in his life. He told me there isn’t anyone in his life really who he’d chase after or miss all that much if they walked out, his own family included. He’s aware that his BPD makes him have fast, intense connections that can be severered without warning.

I ended up telling him (while I was crying hysterically I’ll admit) that I loved him but if that were the case I couldn’t be in his life anymore, I’m in love with him and the back and forth is too hard and if there’s no future and he never meant those things I have to try and pick up the pieces for myself. I was crying but calm, emphasized how much I loved him and how sad I was to do this and how much I’d miss him, but he was angrier than I’ve ever seen him. Punching a brick wall out on the sidewalk,, throwing his phone, telling me he hated me, that I’m just like his mother and I make him want to kill himself, pointing in my face calling me weak because if I loved him that much I should be able to swallow my emotions so I could still have him in my life. I was crying the entire time asking why he was so hostile and why he wanted to leave things off like this. He kept going inside stomping away angry and coming back saying “yes or no you can only answer with one word: are we seeing each other again or no?” So basically even though he was ranting about how he hates me and who I am and I’m the only person who causes him pain, it seemed like he wouldn’t accept me having to walk away for an answer. He eventually said he’d be fine with my decision if I wasn’t crying and could walk away with a confident smile on my face, but I told him no matter what decision I make it’s painful because I love him.

I ended up going back to his apartment where we fought for hours, he was aggressive about not loving me in that way and how I’m “too nice” and “too good” for “someone like him,” he was punching things and freaking out, then he suddenly got chill and was playing video games and being light hearted and sort of sweet, then it bounced back to rage because I maintained that I felt too overwhelmed and that being with him and acting like this when he doesn’t really love me is destroying me. He was swearing and expressing so much hatred for me, kept asking why I couldn’t just change how I felt in order to be able to see him. I told him I couldn’t explain why that’s impossible for me because I know his emotions don’t work the same way, and I also asked why he was so adamant about seeing me when he told me he never wants to date me and keeps insisting on how annoying I am. He said that maybe he “lied” and told me he loved me, etc because he felt guilty or because he wanted me in his life. In the end he calmed down and said who are we kidding we know we’re always gonna be in each other’s lives. So we decided on that I guess, he got nice and we went back to his house with his friends. He kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me, not to worry and that he’d see me soon, was smiling and sweet, then asked me if I wanted “quick snuggles” in a cute voice. I was confused to say the least.

Today I called to tell him that I couldn’t shake how horrible I felt and that I was devastated but I didn’t think it was right to be in each other’s lives if I don’t mean much to him and I cause him this much pain by having to have conversations and ask questions about what’s going on. After the intense rage and the things he said, I sort of felt like I was only half-present if that makes any sense - it was so intense and horrible for me but he switched off so quickly and seamlessly and it didn’t even phase him and that just made me dizzy. He was angry that I needed to talk again, he hates having serious discussions, and he told me that he “won’t accept that” because he cares about me and wants me in his life so I should text him in a few weeks and he’ll see me then. Strange because at the beginning of the fall I asked him if he’d be able to let me be if I Told him not talking was best for me and he was confident and calm that he’d be totally willing to do that (he’s said it before), so I wasn’t sure why five minutes later he wouldn’t accept the thing he had just agreed to. Again, I don’t want to not have him in my life. I want to eventually be with him. But how can I if he really doesn’t love me and he just says those things out of excitement or passion or I don’t even know what but not real emotion?

So was it all “fake” when he told me he loved me and wanted me? Did he actually say things he didn’t mean or did he mean them at the time but is now rationalizing that they must’ve been fake because at the moment he doesn’t feel that way? Why did he say those things? How can he switch from rage to not seeing me romantically at all to wanting to cuddle to anger again? Why is he so adamant about how much he hates me and how inconsequential I am (emphasized the whole time that he could easily fall in love with someone else while hanging out with me, that he has sex with his friends, etc.) but won’t let me walk away? Why does he want me around if he doesn’t love me?

I guess this is why I feel “trapped,” even though I know I have the power to walk away. I try to make a tough decision that I don’t want but know is safest and he pulls me back in while still pushing me away with one hand. It’s like I can muster up the strength to say hey I can’t be involved but it’s such a precarious decision and I’m so emotionally invested that any push back I get from him or inclination that he wants me around draws me back in.

I’m willing to put in a lot of work on myself, my therapy is catered towards managing my emotional responses to things and being mindful and expecting these dips and adapting to them (if he’s involved in my life). The issue is the role he takes in my life is always changing. If he just wants to be friends now that act intimate but will never be together, I’m not sure how I can be around him without staying emotionally attached to someone who will apparently never want me. If we were committed in some way and I had to deal with the up/down knowing that at the end of the day we were together and it was just a battle I had to work through, that’s one thing. But now he’s flipped again to wanting me around but not wanting to be together and it feels like I’m putting in all this work into a situation I don’t even know how to categorize. I guess hearing that him saying he loved me and wanted me romantically for all this time wasn’t real is weighing on my confidence a lot. It just seemed so real and thought out when he said those things and I didn’t provoke him into saying them. I’ve just been trying to take his lead. I feel so duped and worthless, like I’m good enough to take on the role of partner in the meantime but he’ll never actually want me in that way again.

I feel like I see things more clearly and can attribute certain behaviors to BPD and see the problematic aspect of things until I talk to him. Then he rationalizes and tells me I’m the one acting strangely, that exes shouldn’t be involved emotionally in each other’s lives or have these types of conversations (even though he told me we were involved in a deeper way so that’s why I was assuming that was standard) and I begin to believe I’m crazy and everything he’s saying/doing is normal. Am I supposed to just restrain myself for a few weeks and not reach out, then see him when he told me to text him and not know what to expect?

[Ozzie101]

As Snap said, those feelings most likely were real. All of them. People with BPD experience intense and changeable emotions and as baffling and bewildering as it can be for the rest of us, they can all be real -- at the moment they're feeling them.

It sounds like you had a harrowing experience this weekend. I've been there with my H -- loving one minute, tearing me apart the next. It's hard to know which end is up.

Then he rationalizes and tells me I’m the one acting strangely, that exes shouldn’t be involved emotionally in each other’s lives or have these types of conversations (even though he told me we were involved in a deeper way so that’s why I was assuming that was standard) and I begin to believe I’m crazy and everything he’s saying/doing is normal.

That's gas lighting. Again, it's not uncommon with pwBPD. It can be hard to keep your head on straight. It takes work and practice, but holding on to what you KNOW to be the truth is key at times like this.

I’m not sure how I can be around him without staying emotionally attached to someone who will apparently never want me.

That's a key point there. He's demonstrated that his emotions and feelings for you change -- sometimes rapidly and without warning. He's volatile. And, from the sounds of things, violent. You said that you don't know how to approach him to talk about things without triggering an explosion. I've been there, but it's really not a healthy place to be.

Someone with more experience and wisdom than I may have better advice, but it sounds to me like you need some real boundaries in place. Have you read this article? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Let us know what you think.

Setting boundaries (and setting them doesn't mean you have to tell him about them or what they are) can do wonders for helping shorten or prevent situations like what you experienced this weekend. It sounds like he's really steering the boat here. You need to be able to take some more control -- which could do wonders for your esteem. This is also something your therapist should be able to help you with.