Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
June 08, 2025, 02:15:50 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.
Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Hostage Negotiation
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Hostage Negotiation (Read 587 times)
Carl Jung
Fewer than 3 Posts
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1
Hostage Negotiation
«
on:
April 05, 2019, 09:10:42 AM »
Hi all,
I am young dad of an amazing 3 year old daughter with a volatile mother that I'd say ticks 7 out of the 9 BPD traits.
I feel like I have to develop hostage negotiation skills as my (soon ex-) wife is sometimes nasty to our daughter, yet she holds all the rights.
I am reading the SWOE workbook and 'never split the difference' at the moment and hope that I will be able to keep everything calm, while also building up my own career and looking after myself.
Talking to colleagues about my problems is a big no no and it's sometimes tough to keep all the suffering to myself.
So I hope I can use this forum to maybe vent off some anger, and most importantly to hopefully articulate my problems and facilitate solutions.
Thanks for reading this and all the best to everyone in this forum.
CJ
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4083
Re: Hostage Negotiation
«
Reply #1 on:
April 05, 2019, 11:25:09 PM »
Hi Carl Jung, glad you found the site, and sorry about the situation that brings you here.
Sounds like you've had some insights about your soon-to-be-ex wife (stbxW) -- that she has a lot of BPD-type behaviors. Those are really hard people to deal with! I can relate to your image of being a "hostage negotiator" -- you've got to be the best, calmest communicator in the room, as your daughter's mom can't do that.
How far along in the divorce process are you? You mentioned that your stbxW "holds all the rights" -- want to tell us some more? A lot of us here have been through pretty grueling situations about the kids; we can help you see where you may actually have more advantages than you think.
My DH ("dear husband") has two girls; they were 3 and 5 when the divorce was final. There were many hard years but with the help of multiple good counselors things are a LOT better now.
It may be very hard at first but you can lean on us as hard as you need to -- nothing is "too crazy" to talk about. Please let us know how we can keep helping you and your daughter through!
Cheers;
kells76
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18752
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
Re: Hostage Negotiation
«
Reply #2 on:
April 06, 2019, 08:04:46 PM »
Of course you're not allowed to confide in anyone, how dare you seek support or information. You're supposed to be isolated, isolation is a common PD control tactic. (Well, her perception...) The solution is to not divulge to her with whom you're seeking support, information or coping strategies. Translation: If she's anything like my ex was, do not submit to late-night interrogations and demands of "We'll fix this tonight, just as I demanded we fix it all those prior late-night interrogations, I mean, sessions."
You are allowed to your privacy and confidentiality. That is especially true with attorneys, counselors and peer support such as here. What can allow you to relax that boundary? Basically, if she switches to listening and sharing, and not just for brief moments or days. Right now it is demands and control ultimatums. It is doubtful anything but intensive therapy
over years
will impact her current perceptions and behaviors. Currently she's not listening to you, the emotional baggage of the past relationship issues is just too much to allow herself to truly get past them and truly listen to you.
If you had hope for the marriage to succeed then yes you would share everything. However, that's not the case here, so weigh everything in the aspect of whether this helps parenting or not. If you do take the divorce path, that's what it would come down to in ten words or less... not spouses but bare bones parents and parenting.
Another essential handbook, especially urgent to read before going down the legal path in court:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
«
Last Edit: April 06, 2019, 08:12:37 PM by ForeverDad
»
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Hostage Negotiation
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...