New member with brother with suspected BPD

[J0Dy]

Hello everyone..
I am a 46 year old female with a 40 year old brother with what appears to be borderline personality disorder. But he is manic as well.
He sends me 30 + text messages at a time, and the text messages consist of his wonderful accomplishments, a new ailment he has, and a request for input for every single thing he has said in the text messages.. or risk of being called 'apathetic' and being declared an enemy in not so many words.
Which is what just happened recently. I have decided to go 'no-contact' with him. And I fear that he is going to call random people to go on a tirade about me.
I was the only person who stayed in contact with him. All immediate and other family want nothing to do with him. He is a full time job.
In our recent interaction, I let it be known that I thought he was 'anxious', and he blew up at me. Then, our last texts went like this..
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Me: I don't know what to say on top of that except that this is draining of a lot of energy that could be better spent being happy that we are where we are now, instead of regurgitating the negativity you perceive

You don't see it. But sweetheart, I haven't learned one thing about M___ on the trip. Nearly every single time she spoke to me, you interrupted her. Hard! You just don't see it dear..

Him:
I don't see it? The very day you left her and I both apologized for those interruptions. I was delirious and without sleep and don't you dare comment on my relationship with M___. She'll happily join this text conversation and let you know exactly the kind of man I am to her. I adore her I do everything for her and any time I do interrupt or she interrupts me we apologize about it instantly I was simply exhausted Beyond imagining. And most of the times I did interrupt her it was an inside joke between us but I realized that in my exhaustion I probably made that joke one too many times and apologized immediately both while you were here but I guess that you didn't see and as soon as you left. I can't ****ing believe you just tried to throw something about our relationship in my face. cannot believe you tried to make some baseless accusation to me about my relationship with M___.
That was ****ing low. And you are in no place to tell me I don't see it I saw it and I commented it to her about it and we apologized. M___ will tell you that 90% of the time I'll come out to her and apologize about something I might have done before she even realized I I did something wrong and if you don't believe me feel free to text her yourself right now and ask. I do see. every ****ing time I see and I constantly police my behavior to make sure I'm kind and considerate to her and to everyone. And I promise you if M___ learns that you tried to throw that in my face she'll get even more pissed off about it than I am. You don't know us you spend the weekend with us when I was exhausted and epileptic. Don't ever ever ever do that again. There's absolutely nothing in my long life that I've ever Works harder at finding a good man to her. That absolutely stung worse than anything
else in all this conversation or from your trip. We are amazing to each other and I don't interrupt her or if I do I immediately apologize and it goes both ways. Now I really am done talking.

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Of course, he wasn't done talking.

He has been like this since he was a child, and many people resent him. I worry about him.
I have posted this in another forum as well, it was helpful. I am reading "stop walking on eggshells".. Great book.
I feel a sense of relief, but I also have a sense of fear as well. As in, "now what? What's coming next?" I hate this feeling. Cause I know he is not done. He collects people who pity him, changes stories to fit his narrative, and it gets very poisonous, very fast.

[Harri]

Hi JODy and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

I feel a sense of relief, but I also have a sense of fear as well. As in, "now what? What's coming next?" I hate this feeling. Cause I know he is not done. He collects people who pity him, changes stories to fit his narrative, and it gets very poisonous, very fast.

I understand the relief and also knowing that something else will happen.  It is a weird place to be emotionally.  BTW, there is nothing wrong in feeling relieved about this decision of no contact.
 The good news is that you can learn tools and strategies that will help you cope with your current situation and will empower you for any future contact or incidents with him.

What would you say were your biggest challenges in coping with his behavior? 

I hope you share more and settle in and read and post in other threads.  There is great benefit in seeing that you are not alone and talking with others who understand.

[HappyChappy]

Hey J0Dy,

This all sounds very stressful for you. Your bro is certainly being difficult and that e-mail was unacceptable.

Often BPD is co-morbid with other aliments, so the manic side could be a range of thing other than BPD. Could it be compulsive behaviour ? He also sounds on the impulsive side, with all the interruptions, meaning he struggles with self control, even for a BPD (ADHD ?). Out of interest does your bro apologies a lot, like he suggests in this text messages ? I note he repeats a lot, which is very BPD.

You say you’re worried about what comes next. A BPD needs narcissistic supply and they’re not overly bothered where they get it. So as long as he has a partner (who I assume is M_) he’s getting supply.  When I went no contact there was a huge barrage initially, my lot use aggression so they worked F.O.G. hard, someone was about to die every other day and it was normally directly due to me going no contact, so my fault. But that died down in time, when they find new sources of narcisstic supply. What things worry you exactly ?

Welcome to the forum and please ask all the question you want, recounting the difficult behavior you have had to endure helps with validation and ultimately you recovering from this. 

[J0Dy]

Thanks guys! I apologize, I did not see the replies. Been busy at work.

The biggest challenges was never being able to be honest with him.
Constantly being wary of his feelings.
I wish so hard that I can convey what I and others see in him. He can never grow, because he is so defensive.
He cries like a child, gets in tantrums..

This 'tiff' we had started after I went to visit him out of state. He sent me a text saying that he does not go out much, and that he is creating 'resins', and "Maybe we can do them together!" - I let him know that I wanted to see as much of the city as we can, treated him to dinner on the first night..
But, his anxiety level shot through the roof. He was continually showing me his 'therapeutic oils' he creates, his 'pipes' he carves, his violin... And I responded... MADE SURE I responded with more approval than I normally would. "Wow! Isn't my brother talented?" - to his girlfriend.


The second night, we were all supposed to watch a funny show. I set them up with a plex account with an endless amount of movies and shows. During the day - and night - he would yell his girlfriend's name... 'M___!', and she would run into the bathroom and sit with him. Second time, it was from 6:30 PM, till 9. When I walked into the bathroom, he was huddled in a blanket in the closet, crying.. And his girlfriend was on her knees, rubbing his legs.. looking up at him. He said he had a seizure. A minor one earlier in the day.

I suggested going to sleep.. "I think you should get rest sweetheart. Not sleeping for two nights cannot possibly help your situation."

Then, "What if I go to sleep and never wake up again! What if I have another seizure!"

It was an awful time. Both, to see him like that.. To also see his girlfriend pretty much enabling it.. (I can 'never' ask frank questions about the relationship to her..).

Three weeks later, he called me to tell me that I showed 'apathy' towards him and his projects. His literal words were "You showed more interest in restaurants than me. And I talked about it to [his girlfriend], and she said "YAH! I noticed that!""... of course...

"When I brought the violin out, you asked "Are you going to play it?" instead of "Can you play it, please?"
And I disagreed with him. I didn't relent.

He said he used his seizure as a cover. That he wasn't crying about that, he was crying because of me.

I stated in text, "But, don't you see how messed up that is?"
Him: "I didn't want to ruin your vacation!"

I am going to post a few texts, anonymously. I have a very sweet cousin that I adore.. everyone does. My brother went on a tirade about him.. seething hate.. And said things about him that just doesn't fit! He is known to have the biggest heart!
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And again back to K___, I need to say it once more cuz of how bad he is, K___ really is just terrible inside and out. Yet somehow everyone thought far better of him than he ever deserved. And again, it would be different if he were a girl. Sigh
But I've learned to never ever trust, help, lend money or give my time to K___ ever. He's got to be one of the worst liars in our family, spills everyone's secrets lies straight to your face, and is possibly more lazy than Sh__. Wow where's all this coming from. I've never had occasion to tell anyone this but after decades of seeing K__ for who he really is and never speaking up about it it's all coming out. I hate that guy so so much.

Honestly sis. I can't f@cking stand him. Don't ever ever ever ever EVER trust K___with anything ever and don't ever show that vile kid any generosity. No one had a clue how a terrible a person he is.

Jesus Christ that feels so good to say. Been holding that in for almost 40 years lmao

Sorry huge sidetrack

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'Wow where is all this coming from'? 'I've never had occasion to tell anyone this'..? This is how he ALWAYS is! He is all hate, or ridiculously puts you on a pedestal!
This guy he is talking about.. He NEVER asked me for money! And I have more money than my brother! My brother was always know to be a taker, never a giver!
I tried changing the subject, that didn't work. I tried asking "What did he do though?" Never spoke of an instance in particular.

[J0Dy]

Hey Happy Chappy!

I am worried that he is going to go on a tirade about me, call me apathetic, selfish.. talk about my past relationships when I was young.. who knows what he will say.
I am also worried that when he loses those close to him, he will end up homeless. He is spinning out of control consistently now, and I do not see it ending well for him.

He says he apologizes. But he never apologizes to me, unless it's in passing like "I'm sorry, but he's a d!ck!"
He says he apologizes to his girlfriend though, and that is more than likely true. She does not work. And he works from home.
He always yells her name to have her rush and help him in case he feels he has a seizure coming, needs her to drive him everywhere, uses insurance from her previous employer (don't ask.. have no idea how they're doing that when they're not doing cobra). He lives at the Doctor's office.

But when he came out to visit me and stayed with his girlfriend's parents? Guess what? He behaved calm! My boyfriend was like "I don't believe it! Total contrast to the text messages he sends you!"

Of course. He doesn't want to raise a red flag around his girlfriend's parents. He goes on and on about how awful his family is to him to random people.. It is just embarrassing. But his girlfriend's parents give him a pomegranate, and just goes on and on..! "And they gave me a pomegranate(s)! Cause they know I love pomegranates!"
Once he stops going out with his girlfriend, her parents may very well be his enemy as well.

Here's a portion of another text. This was during the tiff when I told him I wanted to go no contact. I said "Once you deal with your anxiety, then we can talk.."
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Deal with my anxiety? I'm seeing a therapist to help me cope with my past, a rheumatologist  to help me through my FMF and a nerologist to help deal with my epilepsy all for which I take 12 pills a day for the rest of my life. I have the most amazing woman at my side, wonderful pets at my feet and I carve pipes, build radios, practice chemistry, create resin designs, work with oils, make bath bombs, go on walks.."

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It goes on and on. Constantly polishing his laurels.

He changes therapists all the time, and I have a strong feeling I know why. If he doesn't like what they have to say, he will make an excuse to me like "Well, the last therapist.. you know how I am such a great listener, right? Well, I am 'such' a good listener in fact that she was always talking to 'me' about 'her' problems! So, I had to go to someone else.."

pffft..!

Oh, and among all the wonderful things he's done, he apparently was also in the Special forces too!

[Harri]

The biggest challenges was never being able to be honest with him.
Constantly being wary of his feelings.

I can understand this feeling, especially after reading your posts outlining how he responded to you.  What a difficult situation especially with the girlfriend enabling so much.  I am not sure how to work around that, other than with firm boundaries.  The thing is, you are not going to be able to avoid some pitfalls even with using all of the communication tools we offer here.   

In your first post you mentioned he is manic as well.  Do you think he has bipolar as well?   

How are you doing dealing with the no contact?   Sometimes people can have a hard time processing everything and learning about the disorder can help.  It sounds to me like Projection is something he does a lot of and I am wondering what you think.  Also Splitting.  What do you think?

[J0Dy]

Yes, definitely splitting and projection.
I feel that the 30+ texts at once is a bit of mania. But the splitting is definitely there as well. He shows narcissim (as you see in the above text), he is 'not' suicidal.. as he admires himself so much.
He puts people on the biggest pedestal, or completely hates them. And the adoration seems fake. He will talk and talk and talk about himself.. then a realization with "um.. so yah, what's going on with you?" (I remember him asking me that a year and a half ago)..
And I said "Oh, nothing. I actually won employee of the month a few months ago out of all employees worldwide.."

"OH MY GOD SIS! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! SEND ME YOUR AWARD! I'M GOING TO FRAME IT AND PUT IT ON MY WALL! SIS, REMEMBER.. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU LIKE I DO! YOU ARE AMAZING!"

Just went on and on.. And yes, he posted the friggin award on his wall. And he took pictures of it and sent it to me, to 'remind' me that he posted it on his wall. He is nauseating.

[HappyChappy]

Hey J0Dy,

I totally understand how fearful you must be over your bro pushing negative propaganda about you. But when you were kids, he had  way more control over the environments you mixed in. He had access to information, and a captive market. Much hard for him to do now in the open world. From what you say his sphere of influence isn’t that impressive. We need a credible source for propaganda to work. Who would believe him bar his partner ? Those you care about, would any of them see it for anything but sour grapes ?  Just let people know his motive for doing it, thats probably all you need to do.

Your bro wrote “12 pills a day for the rest of my life.” his e-mails and your account suggest he’s using waif mode to get attention. If this is the case, he’ll exaggerate even invent aliments. A BPD is very prone to using waif like behaviour, often followed by aggression if it doesn’t work.

His constant bragging is because someone with BPD does feel superior to us, so they like to highlight why.  Your award he put on the wall, did he change the first name on it ? .
Knowledge is power. A BPD/NPD uses knowledge to miss guide us and create unnecessary fear and obligation.  Now you know more about all this, how are you going to change things ?

[J0Dy]

Well.. the 'no-contact' for starters.
But even if we were to make amends in the future, he will never forget this slight. It will affect our relationship.

I was hoping to get some insight as to how I can approach him and be truthful towards him, without causing a blow up.

But maybe that is not my place. He is seeing a therapist, and for me to assume the therapist is not helping.. Maybe he is? And he is approaching my brother with kid gloves? Cause all my brother tells me regarding his therapy sessions is how he told his therapist (again) about how abusive people are towards him, past and present.
He brought his girlfriend in, so she can validate how awful people are to him. He even said the therapist wants to speak with me, but my brother said it has to be in his presence.

What is waif mode?

[J0Dy]

No, he did not change the name on my award.
He just put it up on the wall, and uses it to remind me of how much he cares about me. In a few texts, he used the "and remember, no one cares about you the way I do.." kinda thing.
Even though there are text messages to verify the things he says, he completely denies it. And if you point it out, he says "No, what I meant was..". You find yourself spinning in circles. I am just glad to be free. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's just weird that I should feel this way, with so much ahead of me.
I had a 16 year relationship with a boyfriend who committed suicide on January 9th, 2018. He threatened suicide if I left him.. And I didn't actually think he would do it. I thought it was a manipulation tactic. Could this be the guilt I am feeling? Who knows.

But I am in a wonderful relationship now.. I am enjoying life, and want to keep this momentum. I almost have contempt for my brother at the same time. The drama..

[J0Dy]

Okay, reading about waif mode now.