I don't care if he calls me now or not. I no longer expect it.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338376.0

These scenes almost always happen when he's drinking. He's BPD traits come out when he's drinking. But he's a complete opposite person when he's sober. Very sad, frustrating and confusing.

I was once very codependent and wanting my uBPD H's approval.  Now I know a lot of bizarre behaviour is the BPD.  

My uBPD H drinks heavily when he is with old friends.  I suspect he does it as a means of escaping his feelings of inferiority and emptiness.  He has a uNPD F who is still alive and who is elderly.  Being drunk with old male friends helps him feel validated and valued.  I find his being drunk disgusting.  When he is with friends, he splits and forgets about me and won't call me if during a camping trip with his friends.  They all get smashed in hotel rooms during fishing trips.  At first it upset me and I was hurt, but now I know it's the BPD.  I don't care if he calls me now or not.  I not longer expect it.

[AskingWhy]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338376.0

These scenes almost always happen when he's drinking. He's BPD traits come out when he's drinking. But he's a complete opposite person when he's sober. Very sad, frustrating and confusing.

I was once very codependent and wanting my uBPD H's approval.  Now I know a lot of bizarre behaviour is the BPD.  

My uBPD H drinks heavily when he is with old friends.  I suspect he does it as a means of escaping his feelings of inferiority and emptiness.  He has a uNPD F who is still alive and who is elderly.  Being drunk with old male friends helps him feel validated and valued.  I find his being drunk disgusting.  When he is with friends, he splits and forgets about me and won't call me if during a camping trip with his friends.  They all get smashed in hotel rooms during fishing trips.  At first it upset me and I was hurt, but now I know it's the BPD.  I don't care if he calls me now or not.  I not longer expect it.

[FaithHope]

Good day AskingWhy!

I think you're right. My uBPDxh (unofficial yet) is intense and has a lot of energy. He has a deep personality. When he's drinking he's feeling of loneliness comes out openly. He wanted to talk to people all the time and call anybody who wants to talk to him even in odd hours. It's almost like he's craving for attention and validation and still can't get enough of it. This must be difficult to go through. I used to get so mad at him, but now feel sorry for him to go through this.

Unfortunately, I realized I can't help him.. I tried.. but wasn't successful.. this makes me very sad. I care about his well being and will always love him.

Only recently that I realized I am very codependent. I tried to deny it but the more I learned about BPD and codependency.. there's no way of denying it anymore. It's truly an eye opener.

I'm just starting to work on myself to recover from being codependent. So far it's a slow process.. 2 steps ahead 1 step back but I can see the benefits of it.

I understand the process of getting out of codependency is different from each individual. But I'm wondering how did you make it and for how long?

What are the challenges you encountered? how did you overcome it? what are the steps you've made? what was the most difficult moment you went through and what was the most rewarding moment you've experience?

Thanks for sharing..

[AskingWhy]

Thank you LT!

They said, what doesn't break you will only make you stronger.

As hard it is to be with a pwBPD, I find this experience, forced me to know myself and be honest with myself. I learned that as CD we still can take care pwBPD but with limitation.. boundaries.

I learned not to stay upset for so long anymore. I learned to truly take care of myself once and for all. This has been a long time coming. I have been told to do this for a long time... I finally smarten up

I know I still have a long ways to go.. but right now I can see a lot of tools and opportunities to help me move ahead. I don't feel stagnant anymore. I truly have a choice. I feel better just knowing this..

Thank you everyone!
Cheers!

I am one of those with two BPD marriages!  In the current and second one, I became totally aware of the role I played in both of them.  I do not, however, JADE anymore.  I know exactly what my uBPD H is doing, what motivates him, and how this plays into his adult children.  (He is enmeshed with them.)