I found out he had an affair years ago

[My3sonsmom]

Hi Everyone. I am glad I found you all. Recently my DH told me he had an affair years ago but didn’t tell me because he thought I would leave. I had only one boundary in our marriage and that was infidelity on his part would mean our marriage was over. I suffered from years of abuse from this man and took it because I thought about his childhood trauma. I also believed he had kept our agreement about being faithful to one another. So I stayed and took it. He gaslighted me so badly about telling me he had been unfaithful that my mental health suffered and I had to be admitted to a mental health facility for a week. I got home and two days later he tells me the real truth about his infidelity. I have been devastated and wondering if I should stay with him. He is in therapy but refuses to examine why he cheated. I have been waiting five months to find out why. I am tired of waiting and wondering if ultimatums work with BPs? So far the fear of me leaving has not helped jar his memory at all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for what brings you here.  Cheating is so painful.  How long has it been since you were in the hospital?  Other than here, what sort of support system do you have?

We can support you as you navigate your way to your own decision about whether or not to stay with him.  No one here can make the choice for you but we can certainly help you think things through.

 

I am tired of waiting and wondering if ultimatums work with BPs? So far the fear of me leaving has not helped jar his memory at all.

I would not recommend using ultimatums as a way to get another person to change or see things a certain way.  If you want to say that cheating is a deal breaker and you will leave, only say it if you will actually follow through on it.  Ultimatums like that generally do not go any where good in terms of trying to reconcile.

What are you trying to jar his memory of?

Keep sharing with us and we can help you work things through in your own head.