Is he trying to punish me?

[Lightandshine]

Hunger sets him off. And I dont know how to cool things down from there.

He has digestion issues and is on a fat restricted diet. Meal replacement drinks have helped a lot, but his preferred brand is about $4 per serving. I'm the only one working now and money is tight. We ran out of these meal replacement drinks and everything fell apart.

He was in discomfort after eating sweets and grains once the drinks ran out and is now not wanting solid food at all. Again. Money is tight, but I offered to purchase more of his drink for him. I bought twice as much as usual last time and he drank it twice as fast. He's telling me not to  buy it because of our money situation.

He got upset when I cooked dinner last night because he didnt want solid food. I offered to make a soup or a smoothie and he refused to eat them. He now has been very upset and keeps asking what what he will eat next, but still refuses any soup, broth, or smoothie, and gets mad if I suggest anything solid.

He is groaning in pain and hunger and yells about how he hasn't eaten in two days. I again offer to get his drink, to make him soup, or to make a smoothie. All three he refuses and then asks again what he is going to eat, gets mad that he is hungry, and tells me I need to fix it.

Since he wont accept any solutions to his hunger yet continually tells me it's my fault despite my willingness to make what I can, I feel like he is causing himself more pain to really "show me" how hurt he is and so that I know it's my fault. Any thoughts?

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[isilme]

A few thoughts.

#1 - in a way, yes he is punishing you, but not in the way you think about the word "punish".  I truly believe that they like to try to make us as miserable as they are, not as punishment, but as a form of validation seeking.  They think we don't "fix" things for them because we are being mean and don't understand how they feel, so if they make us just as sad and angry as they are, we will finally make a move and "fix" things for them.

So while we see punishment as something to teach a lesson, they use it to try to force us into their rabbit hole of despair.  They think the only reason we don't make the world better has nothing to do with the demands being irrational, not making sense, being inconsistent, or them refusing what is physically possible... they just see it as us being unwilling to help them, so we are mean.  Feelings = facts.

#2 - my husband started getting very irrational, more and more so when he needed to eat.  Turns out, he was having low blood sugar reactions to first being prediabetic, then full on type II diabetic.  So, you might want to get that checked out.  We let it go unknowingly for about two years and some issues like neuropathy set in and are possibly irreversible.  Now, even he has to admit that he loses it when hungry, no matter if his sugar is high or low, and acknowledges when I insist he has some sort of snack if a meal is not possible at the time.  And he knows he needs to be honest about if he has time to wait for me to cook, about an hour, or needs food picked up or a microwave meal.  Also, lots of people get hangry without diabetes.

#3 - question.  Why is he avoiding solid food?  GI issues?  Allergies?  Gallbladder?  I'm only asking because I've learned a lot recently about some disorders that can affect the GI tract and might have some other suggestions based on what he has going on.  I just learned that some of my persistent GI issues are tied to a weird immune disorder I didn't even know I had.  

Regardless, a conversation using SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) is likely needed and will need to be repeated, with as much compassion as you can muster, and tell him that you know he's hungry, and you know he has food restriction and health issues, and you understand that is frustrating and makes fulfilling hunger difficult.  Hit upon his feelings about the situation as best as you can.  Let him know it's okay to have the feelings, but also, you can get to the truth:  money is tight.  he might want to try other shakes for now.  He needs to entertain homemade economical smoothies or blended foods or soups and broths he can customize to what he wants at the moment.  Does he needs soft food or liquid food?  Would things like mac and cheese be digestible? You can't afford $4 shakes right now.  He has told you not to buy them, so you are taking him at his word this is okay for now.  If it's not okay, he needs to tell you so you can find other places in the budget to cut back.  Of agree to buy a few but he has to ration them and use smoothies, soups, as substitutes for a while.  Tell him you are not neglecting him, but you can't see other options than these and he needs to help you pick the one he can live with best, as things aren't working this way.  

I'm sorry, trust me I know this is a tough place to be.  My H gets balky at times and won't give me a straight answer at all about what he wants to eat.  So he crashes.  

[Lightandshine]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I can definitely see how he would think that if I'm feeling as bad as he is, I would magically fix everything. Feelings = facts is a really hard one.

I'm not sure how to let him know that he's angry when he's hungry because he will probably feel like I'm just trying to shrug off responsibility. If he's hungry, he's going to attribute it to me not providing the food he wants, even if he's choosing not to eat food available.

He can eat solid foods in general, but it's a gallbladder issue. He's getting it removed next week. He just gets crampy if he eats too much fat or carbs and it makes him not want solid food until he's a bit more comfortable.

It's just incredibly frustrating. Now on top of his hunger, he's upset because I dont know how I am going to make up the betrayal of not having money for the meal shake (which proves I don't care about him).

[Lightandshine]

I walked to the store to get some of the shakes he likes (they were out) and came back to him having pushed everything, including ash tray and pebble candle, all over the laundry I was folding. Not sure what to do.

[isilme]

I'm not sure how to let him know that he's angry when he's hungry because he will probably feel like I'm just trying to shrug off responsibility. If he's hungry, he's going to attribute it to me not providing the food he wants, even if he's choosing not to eat food available.

This is the hard part - you have to be consistent and state "There is food, you can eat it and chose not to, I suppose you are not hungry enough to eat it," and then leave the conversation. 

Also, he is likely dysregulating over worries about the surgery and isn't saying this, instead of focusing on the more immediate "I'm hungry" issue.  Remember, just because they claim X is the issue does not mean it's not really Y.  In many, many ways,s we are dealing with adults who've never developed full adult communication skills, and so you get passive aggressive toddler actions, like pushing things ver onto laundry. 

Good news, people who've had their gall bladders out that I know so much better, and as long as they watch grease intake, can eat most things   here's hoping that helps you in the future.