Almost no more eggshells to walk on

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for a year and half, and things are not going well, to use an euphemism. I do house chore listening to audio books on BPD. My identity is bruised. My partner, who I will refer to as P, was not aware to have BPD when we met, but he told me about his troubled childhood and rocky previous relationships. He was abandoned as a child, in a country at the time engaged in a war, he was sexually molested when he was a toddler, and moved to the US with his adoptive family without knowing a single word of English.
At the beginning of our relationship, I thought he was the sweetest person ever, and after a few months we moved in together. Before we moved in together, I recommended him to see a therapist for OCD. He had told me of OCD episodes in his past, but - above all - he had developed all sort of intrusive thoughts about me, which often escalated in confrontations that left me stunned, confused, and lost. I am a very non-confrontational and patient person. During treatment he also started to take an antidepressant - for a mix of "moods" and anxiety that crippled his daily life (his job - at which he excels - is extremely stressful and demanding). That didn't go well. In a nutshell, he had major suicidal episodes in connection with the intrusive thoughts over the course of four months. It was all very paralyzing and scary, and I have no idea how I managed to help him, and not lose my mind. I lived in terror of the next episode, caring for him as much as I could (besides work he is unable to do anything else). It's around that time that his therapist and I started to think of BPD, because all his intrusive thoughts were about being abandoned, and his rage and tantrums did not fit the OCD profile. Once confronted with the diagnostic list of symptoms for BPD, he told his therapist that he fit all categories. He was scared and at the same time relieved to know that his erratic behavior was actually the result of a condition. I immediately looked for a DBT therapist and he has been seeing her for a little bit more than two months now. Things are not getting as better as I expected, however. He takes one step ahead and three steps back...Finally, all this long intro, which represents just a pale shadow of our life together and the complexity of P's issues, is to ask a simple question: is there hope? I put all of myself in trying to help P, and I do love him, but I don't know why I love him anymore. Is DBT effective? I am close to the last straw.

[SkyJoon]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for a year and half, and things are not going well, to use an euphemism. I do house chore listening to audio books on BPD. My identity is bruised. My partner, who I will refer to as P, was not aware to have BPD when we met, but he told me about his troubled childhood and rocky previous relationships. He was abandoned as a child, in a country at the time engaged in a war, he was sexually molested when he was a toddler, and moved to the US with his adoptive family without knowing a single word of English.
At the beginning of our relationship, I thought he was the sweetest person ever, and after a few months we moved in together. Before we moved in together, I recommended him to see a therapist for OCD. He had told me of OCD episodes in his past, but - above all - he had developed all sort of intrusive thoughts about me, which often escalated in confrontations that left me stunned, confused, and lost. I am a very non-confrontational and patient person. During treatment he also started to take an antidepressant - for a mix of "moods" and anxiety that crippled his daily life (his job - at which he excels - is extremely stressful and demanding). That didn't go well. In a nutshell, he had major suicidal episodes in connection with the intrusive thoughts over the course of four months. It was all very paralyzing and scary, and I have no idea how I managed to help him, and not lose my mind. I lived in terror of the next episode, caring for him as much as I could (besides work he is unable to do anything else). It's around that time that his therapist and I started to think of BPD, because all his intrusive thoughts were about being abandoned, and his rage and tantrums did not fit the OCD profile. Once confronted with the diagnostic list of symptoms for BPD, he told his therapist that he fit all categories. He was scared and at the same time relieved to know that his erratic behavior was actually the result of a condition. I immediately looked for a DBT therapist and he has been seeing her for a little bit more than two months now. Things are not getting as better as I expected, however. He takes one step ahead and three steps back...Finally, all this long intro, which represents just a pale shadow of our life together and the complexity of P's issues, is to ask a simple question: is there hope? I put all of myself in trying to help P, and I do love him, but I don't know why I love him anymore. Is DBT effective? I am close to the last straw.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

 

is there hope? I put all of myself in trying to help P, and I do love him, but I don't know why I love him anymore. Is DBT effective? I am close to the last straw.

There is always hope. That's what brings all of us to this website and it is love that keeps us with our loved ones with BPD.  

Is DBT effective? I personally can answer this question, as about 10 years ago when the therapy was just getting off the ground, I was fortunate enough to have gone through a 6 month course, and graduated (of sorts). My therapist had suggested that I go because I had suicide ideation, without any BPD symptoms, more for PTSD. It changed my life. No longer did I not have the tools to deal with my emotions. Read all you can about the program, and especially listen to Marsha Linnehan. That being said...I married a man that has BPD. When I first met him I told him that I'd gone to DBT and thought at the time I might be BPD, but learned through intense therapy that I wasn't. I didn't see any signs in him, until later. Now, I am more than ever convinced that with DBT there can be recovery. I suggested to my husband to at least try it. Knowing that he wouldn't commit to a group setting or even to admit it to anyone, he did download a book. That is a start. He's even shared some of the information with me and how helpful it is. Even though they won't admit that they have BPD, inwardly they know something is not right.

Learn all you can first so that you are armed with knowledge. It wouldn't even be a bad idea to take the course yourself. Look at it as a gift to you. If you have a gift you want to share it with those you love. My husband may read it, but now it's about putting it to work in his life. There is peace out there and hope.

[Steps31]

The steps back are also part of the process... until eventually it becomes more steps forward than back.

[MrManager]

Loyalwife, would you mind listing the books you’ve read on DBT?

And Skyjoon, would you mind listing the audio books on BPD that you’ve listened to? And I’m sorry, but I don’t have any answers for you. I’m in the middle of my own struggle with my BPD partner. But I look forward to people's words of hope and advice for you!