i'm not even sure if it is worth staying in anymore

[dhere]

I have no idea what am i doing so sorry about that.

I've been with my partner who has BPD for 2 years and over the last few days i've felt so utterly drained i've taken a break from the relationship. To be honest i'm not even sure if it is worth staying in anymore.

I will qualify all of this by saying i am in no way shape or form perfect and i've made many mistakes which have made my partner's BPD worse and won't excuse my behaviour.

Over the last 5 months she has consistently engaged in more extreme destructive behaviour. Staying out all night, doing drugs, drinking, meeting random strangers and being friends with them. It seems like the patter goes, she goes out, gets destructive, comes home the next day, says she's sorry. What i can't handle is that when she does get back she always wants me to be gentle and sweet; getting her food, stroking her hair etc. If i say anything at all she will then spin out and then accuse me of being the cause for either her initial trigger or bring it back to something i've done in the past.

If i try to just tell her i won't engage with her then i am punishing her or shaming her and all i really want is to not be around it 24/7.

So yes, in a snapshot that is my experience of the situation. What now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

 Hi dhere,

she seems to be in an unstable phase   . Their emotional chaos can affect us but unlike her you are doing the sensible thing, stepping away, gaining perspective and seeking support  

I have no idea what am i doing so sorry about that.

   

Please understand that you are ok as you are!   ! There is no need to appologise. Minor miztakes are human and happen all the time  

If i try to just tell her i won't engage with her then i am punishing her or shaming her

Stop explaining so much as it tends to be invalidating and makes matters worse. If explaining use SET (see workshops on this board). But first and foremost don‘t justify so much - it will be perceived as signal you did something wrong.

Please keep posting and work through the workshops. There is plenty for you to learn and the best way to go about it is in a dialog here. In the turmoil of such relationships it is almost normal to loose perspective.


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a0

[Harri]

  I am glad you found us and are reaching out for support.   

anOught gave you some really good advice here.  it is true that the more you justify, attack, defend, and explain the more conflict there is.  We say Don't JADE as it can be seen as invalidating by the pwBPD (person with BPD) and puts us in the position of looking like we have done something wrong. 

When she is dysregulating like this, the best thing to do is give her space so she can return to baseline.  Trying to reason with someone when they are upset rarely works. 

If i try to just tell her i won't engage with her then i am punishing her or shaming her and all i really want is to not be around it 24/7.

Shame is at the center of a lot of the behaviors we see in pwBPD and triggering the shame can lead to a lot of conflict.  We have tools that can frequently help avoid this. 

Check out the articles linked here:
WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD

In the meantime, settle in and post.  We can help you as you decide how you want to proceed. 

[dhere]

Thank you both so much for your replies and sorry for taking a while to get back. I literally didn't know how to find the post.

I'll update soon though.

[Harri]

Update when you can.   

In the meantime this might help:
How do I navigate this site?