Now the doors are closed but still hanging on the door handle

[Toughluck]

Hi all !

My story is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332441.0

I`ve been reading your posts and experiences but I have not posted in few months. The reason is that I have finally felt better and I did not want to keep my ex current while I was getting better . Our break up happened in November 2017 and after that I have used some medication to get sleep. I have not needed those in past few months so I have felt much better...

Part of me still wanted her to reach out for me and apologize. I know that I could not forgive her but I still played with a thought, that she would come back.

This Tuesday I heard that my (BPD) ex had a baby with a guy who she abandoned me with. This means that she got pregnant after 7 months of dating.


Before she broke up with me, she asked me to have a child with her during the act...But I didn`t do it only because she daily changed her mind should we continue or break up. We were walking over very thin ice. I loved her, I wanted her but I did not feel safe enough to make child with her.

Now I know that she will never contact me. She knows that this all is too much for me because she made a baby with this guy. She made her final decision to abandon me. But of course I know that she did that already in late 2017.

This is very hard to accept, that everything we`ve been through is now only history. The doors are closed now, towards her.

Of course my friends are happy that I got a closure but I almost feel the same now when she left me. I am dragged to this same feeling I had 1,5 years ago.

She did not respect me, she distorted the facts, she pushed and pulled me constantly, she was mean and now she has a baby...and still she has a control of me.

I know that time will heal, because I`ve noticed it. But this is now different...I have to learn finally say farewell, mentally. Only mentally because I haven`t talked or seen her after the break up. Now it would not make even sense. She is with her new family now.

Do you have any suggestions or experiences what kind of point of views I should take on this ? To get over this ?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Toughluck, Why do you think you're hanging on the door handle?  Presumably because in some fashion you're still attached.  Does that sound accurate?

It's time to let go, my friend.  She has no control over you any longer, unless you allow it, so don't allow it.  It's OK to grieve the past, but your task is to move forward as soon as you feel ready.  Do you think you're ready to move on?

I suggest you be grateful that you are out of an unhealthy r/s.  I predict that, one day, you will be glad to have parted ways.

LuckyJim

[Toughluck]

Hey Toughluck, Why do you think you're hanging on the door handle?  Presumably because in some fashion you're still attached.  Does that sound accurate?

It's time to let go, my friend.  She has no control over you any longer, unless you allow it, so don't allow it.  It's OK to grieve the past, but your task is to move forward as soon as you feel ready.  Do you think you're ready to move on?

I suggest you be grateful that you are out of an unhealthy r/s.  I predict that, one day, you will be glad to have parted ways.

LuckyJim

Yes, you are right. I'm still attached. The main reason is maybe because I have bathed in a dream that she would realize that I was special (like she said to me 10000 times). But I know that these  words were not accurate or sincere feelings from here... After I've learned about BPD traits. Everything started fast and as much as fast it came down. Like in the stories of many of you.

Now is the time to let go. There is no going back to what we had because of the Child. I also presume that if I'd have make that baby with her, that would have been the end of my sanity. That is why I could not... I wanted but I noticed that thing were not right in our r/s. She would not admit her condition ever, even thought she said she has it...meaning she did not want to take care of it. Maybe she relies greatly to her profession (she's a cognitive psychotherapist) so she thinks she can handle it.

I also have waited to their relationship to end during this year... Which is not the right thing to do. Maybe they break up within 6 months or 6 years or 30 years. I would waste my life if I' d wait. Now when she got a Child... It changes everything. Waiting is over.

I should concentrate on wanting them to be happy. If I could wish that from my heart, I could let go and start concentrating on my life that is still ahead.

I'm not sure if I'm also sad because I also want a family... I turn 36 in next month so I should not waste anymore time to dream the past.

[BobsBurger]

Hey Toughluck

I don't have any advice but I think I understand how you feel if it's anything like me right now. You can't help but  still want the dream you were sold but it keeps getting more and more destroyed. There's almost no positive, you've lost the person that you want to be with, who you have great memories and had a future with but who caused you pain, but your brain is still attached and thinks about wanting to be with her but the what ifs are all painful because of the historical pain and how any possibility just keeps getting destroyed further (even though really you know its not possible anyway).

On one hand you want the pain to stop by getting them back but on the other the pain of getting them back is just as bad or worse.

Then throw on top some guilt over how you feel you should have moved on.

It doesn't help now but one day you will have moved on...I wish I had something better about mindfulness or therapy but I honestly believe its just time, living your life and eventually someone else (non-BPD) will be your only focus.

[Toughluck]

Hey Toughluck

I don't have any advice but I think I understand how you feel if it's anything like me right now. You can't help but  still want the dream you were sold but it keeps getting more and more destroyed. There's almost no positive, you've lost the person that you want to be with, who you have great memories and had a future with but who caused you pain, but your brain is still attached and thinks about wanting to be with her but the what ifs are all painful because of the historical pain and how any possibility just keeps getting destroyed further (even though really you know its not possible anyway).

On one hand you want the pain to stop by getting them back but on the other the pain of getting them back is just as bad or worse.

Then throw on top some guilt over how you feel you should have moved on.

It doesn't help now but one day you will have moved on...I wish I had something better about mindfulness or therapy but I honestly believe its just time, living your life and eventually someone else (non-BPD) will be your only focus.

Touche!

I know that she would have driven me nuts and to loose my sanity if I'd be with her. Sometimes I just think that if I'd have do something differently,there would not been so much that rollercoaster?

I was not nice to her when the "BPD" took over of her. When she lied or didn't make sense or when she accused me of something I didn't do... I threw that to her face. In those occasions when she treated me with respect, I did that also and much more.

I don't know what would have been the right thing to do? To get submitted to her will or confront her... I confronted and here I am now.

That is for sure, that she was the Last BPD girl!

Luckily I'm in therapy now but my appointment is at early May... So I have to hold on till then . And of course will. Thanks!