Borderline MIL is now a saint

[Benaiah]

SO my wife and I haven't talked to our Borderline mother/MIL since July of last year. After all of her damaging tirades and calling Adult Protective Services on me, calling my job and trying to get me fired, telling everyone at church (Where we no longer attend) crazy delusional lies, and trying to make us get a divorce. Now, she is telling everyone she has no idea why we won't talk to her and she loves us and is respecting our wishes for no contact. She is the vicim of a daughter who has abandoned her and the family... give me a break. So now her barrel of monkeys is believing all of her lies. How can people believe such ridiculous lies? She started going to group counseling with her siblings (my wife's aunts and uncles), and now they are giving us a hard time and making my wife the scapegoat for everything. They are all enmeshed. Barrel of monkeys. So tired of this torture. What an expert manipulator. She knows how to pick the feeble minded to buy into her crap. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Benaiah

I still remember your last thread on this board about the email you got from your pastor.

It can be really difficult dealing with a BPD family-member as this often impacts the entire family dynamic. I am sorry you and your wife have had such a hard time with this.

What kind of contact do you and your wife have with her aunts and uncles? Do you see them in person and/or talk on the phone?

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

I hear your frustration about how your MIL is trashing you and your wife with others and telling everyone she is the victim. In both my mother's and father's families, certain children are the scapegoats and others the favorite children. My mother and siblings have both BPD and NPD. I have seen how these toxic dynamics have worked with several different generations and continue to play out. The favorites can do no wrong no matter how badly they behave, and the scapegoats are blamed for all kinds of things that are either untrue or grossly exaggerated. I am one of the scapegoats. My observations and experiences with people with BPD and/or NPD are: 1) They are experts at manipulating certain people into believing that they are the victims. 2) They are able to impress certain people they are not close to, while acting terrible when alone with their closest family members. It is very difficult for some people to see them for who they really are, though some people can see right through the performances. 3) Most people don't want to get involved, so even though they suspect what they are hearing has another side to it, they will not say so. 4) Some people get what is going on and will not believe the lies, though it can take time. As time goes on and they age people with BPD and/or NPD are less able to control their bad behaviors and others become more aware of what is really going on. 5) Some people are smart enough to know that if someone constantly talks badly about others, especially family members, that this type of person usually talks behind everyone else's back particularly when they don't get what they want. Probably what I have said is not very comforting. Just know that you are not alone, and there are many people on this site who have family members with BPD and/or NPD, and we understand how awful it feels to be treated so unfairly by family members who do everything they can to trash our reputations. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Notwendy]

Mine too.

Her FOO doesn't stop singing her praises over any little thing she does as if it is the most amazing thing in the world. " your mother is so great she took a taxi all by herself". What is she ? 5 years old?

They were telling me what a great job she was doing caring for my ailing father. Meanwhile, I am calling social services to see what can be done due to her emotionally abusing him.  She would also paint his home health workers black and dismiss them so he was left to fend for himself.

There's no point in telling them the truth. They don't believe me. My BPD mother has painted me black to them and they don't believe a word I tell them so I just don't.

My mother is extremely manipulative and has either a charm act or a helpless waif act to rally unaware people to her side. She's good at it too. I've seen her turn it on and off in a split second. It can appear as if she has multiple personalities but she's in complete control of which "persona" she lets you see and how she uses it to manipulate people. She seems to find a supply of people she can mesmerize. It actually amazes me how well she does this. I've considered the idea that she is actually a narcissistic sociopath since she enjoys manipulating people and lying to them and having them believe her. I can't make the diagnosis of course, but I do see how good she is at it and that she enjoys it.

The only coping mechanism I know is to leave her entourage to her and keep them at a cordial distance.

[Turkish]

Making false claims to APS (or CPS as with some members here) is serious business. That might be something to forgive,  but it isn't something that needs revisiting.  You and your wife need to be safe.

I don't think anyone other than my friends and the APS social worker (thankfully) understood how damaging my mother's accusations were.  The APS lady was more understanding towards me than others. 

[Benaiah]

Thanks everyone. Its nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this.