What to do when...

[Harrisps]

... the trigger for your partners BPD rage/dysregulation is the people who are closest to you e.g family.

I’ve always had a good relationship with my family but it has become strained over the last year and a half due to my wife’s behaviour towards them.

Not really seeking advice but just throwing a line to see  if anyone’s been in this boat. H

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[once removed]

i was in a similar boat. my ex saw my mom as a threat, on and off. thought my mom didnt like her.

whats your partners beef with your family?

[Harrisps]

Similar things she feels they don’t treat her right, don’t like her, would rather me be with someone else.

They’ve always tried to be friendly with her and obviously they have flaws but for in laws they could be a lot lot worse but she feels what she feels.

I find I’m  asking myself so often why do I want to be with someone who is so hurtful to other people I care a lot about as well. In my head it doesn’t make sense but heart stays with her always.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Harrisps! You ask if anyone else has been in the same boat. Yes. I've been there and in some ways am still there. My H got it set in his head that my family doesn't like him because he's divorced and not a doctor or lawyer (though he makes a good living). They don't care about any of those things, but he was convinced.

Anyway, my large family stresses him out (he's an only child) so gatherings were automatically going to stress him out. Throw on his insecurities, their natural reserve and it's been difficult, to say the least.

My situation is even worse now because my family knows that he was verbally abusive for a time. He's feeling more open to giving a relationship a try but some of them are pretty much "Nope." Don't even want to be in the same building with him now.

It's a tricky situation, to be sure, and it's caused me a lot of confusion and heartache. My family's been very important to me my whole life, yet I'm building a life with someone who makes those relationships difficult. Like you said, in some ways it doesn't make sense.

[Sandb2015]

Harrisps,

I find similarities in my case.

It appears to me that pwBPD like a "controlled" environment.  I think I know enough to make these presumptions, they prefer to have an environment where they aren't exposed unless it's on their terms.

I have found that when it's not their family, and their family already gives them the space they need to be who and how they want.  As in my case, her family fears her and dares not confront her.

At my family gatherings, her insecurities were out of control but not on scene, it came as a rage later with all types of paranoid ideas that nobody likes her, they think I'm "this or that".

I was kicked out many times and finally it seems on 12/19 usually going to my Aunt's home each time and my Aunt does speak to me realistically, she would welcome my pwBPD over and hug her anytime, these are the people we are and these are the types of people that pwBPD feel so insecure about.

Open and accepting environments where love and attention fly openly, is a place where a pwBPD loses there comfort zone.

It's a tough call because as you love your pwBPD, you end up isolating family to find a comfort zone within your rs.  There may be a happy medium, it's going to be work...