Ex has contacted me, wants to be friends. Long distance. 5 months no contact.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys.

So, while I had been with my ex, I became friends with her mother. My ex had been in 2 mental health hospitals for the majority of our relationship, but broke up with me 5 months ago. I went no contact immediately, in order to heal.

So, very recently, her mother texted me that my ex wanted to be friends and asked her specifically to ask me.

Her mother said that we’ll still be friends no matter what I decide to do and that the ball is in my court now.

Her mother has told me that my ex wants to be my friend because she’s lonely, because she knows I won’t take advantage of her, because she trusts me, because I have boundaries and because we already know each other and she doesn’t have to start fresh.

My ex has also said that she doesn’t blame me if I don’t want to talk to her, and that I always understood and got her.

So on one hand, I still have feelings for her. The breakup sent me through a trajectory where I was motivated to learn things about myself and others, delve into the tools and carefully observe myself. To act, rather than to react. So, in a way, it seems to me that talking to her again (not necessarily being friends with her) would halt that progress and positive trajectory.

On the other hand, she’s asking nicely, and seems to be willing to respect any boundaries of mine. Also I miss her and, though this will not necessarily lead to reconciliation, it is a possibility I’m thinking about and which part of me wants.

So at this point I’m trying to figure out what I want, so that I act accordingly. I think I’m slighty leaning towards being very nice and compassionate to her, but ultimately telling her “Not now, but definitely looking forward to talking to you and possibly being friends with you at some point in the future”.

At the same time, I have some goals before talking to her again, like going to therapy, etc

What do you guys think? Any advice?

[Beneck]

Hey guys.

So, while I had been with my ex, I became friends with her mother. My ex had been in 2 mental health hospitals for the majority of our relationship, but broke up with me 5 months ago. I went no contact immediately, in order to heal.

So, very recently, her mother texted me that my ex wanted to be friends and asked her specifically to ask me.

Her mother said that we’ll still be friends no matter what I decide to do and that the ball is in my court now.

Her mother has told me that my ex wants to be my friend because she’s lonely, because she knows I won’t take advantage of her, because she trusts me, because I have boundaries and because we already know each other and she doesn’t have to start fresh.

My ex has also said that she doesn’t blame me if I don’t want to talk to her, and that I always understood and got her.

So on one hand, I still have feelings for her. The breakup sent me through a trajectory where I was motivated to learn things about myself and others, delve into the tools and carefully observe myself. To act, rather than to react. So, in a way, it seems to me that talking to her again (not necessarily being friends with her) would halt that progress and positive trajectory.

On the other hand, she’s asking nicely, and seems to be willing to respect any boundaries of mine. Also I miss her and, though this will not necessarily lead to reconciliation, it is a possibility I’m thinking about and which part of me wants.

So at this point I’m trying to figure out what I want, so that I act accordingly. I think I’m slighty leaning towards being very nice and compassionate to her, but ultimately telling her “Not now, but definitely looking forward to talking to you and possibly being friends with you at some point in the future”.

At the same time, I have some goals before talking to her again, like going to therapy, etc

What do you guys think? Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Beneck,

Asking yourself the tough questions you are considering is the start...

Have you been to counseling, if not, is it to prepare to have some sort of rs with her.

Under good circumstances, can you see yourself "together"?

You are clear that you don't want to be rocked again, don't get rocked again by really knowing what you want, what you can do and what may happen, good or bad.

I'm having a s**t day and I'm still trying to give my heart out.

[Beneck]

Hey Sandb2015

Have you been to counseling, if not, is it to prepare to have some sort of rs with her.

You mean couples counseling? If yes, then no. In fact, I personally haven't done any sort of counseling/therapy at all. I'd be willing to as a means to fortify the foundations of a possible relationship.

Under good circumstances, can you see yourself "together"?

Yes, with reservations. The dynamic needs to change though. She needs to change, and so do I.

You are clear that you don't want to be rocked again, don't get rocked again by really knowing what you want, what you can do and what may happen, good or bad.

You're absolutely right here.

I'm having a s**t day and I'm still trying to give my heart out

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

[Step3]

Beneck,

My heart goes out to you. I admire that you took care of yourself and you respected yourself.

I only speak from my experience and ultimately it's your choice. My ex left me several times then she decided she wanted to be friends. She was sweet, loving, grateful and wonderful and I respected her boundaries. I still had feelings for her. At first, she seemed to be respectful of me but as she got stronger from a vulnerability she was suffering from, she became hurtful. Reminded me that we were only friends but always wanted to know where I was going and who I was talking to. Would make comments that eventually she would start dating which meant I would soon be out of her life. I started to feel used and heartbroken. She eventually left again, blocked me and made it my fault. Then of course came back on and off until now. Do you want this for yourself? Can you go through it? I didn't hear from her for 4 months in that time, I grew strong and found happiness and hope for my life, then she came back and she left and she came back and she left... you get the point. I wish I never let her in. So think about it. Can you handle erasing all you've done for yourself?

[Sandb2015]

Beneck,

Thank you.

1) You may need to do some T with someone who knows what a "non" is going through, I am and she knows "something", not enough.  A warning, interview the T before and tell them what your exact situation is, no need to waste time or money.

2) Unfortunately, the change in dynamic will probably start with you and she may "change", get better and that won't happen on it's own.  She needs help in a different way than you.  She may be able to get better and I hope she does, you need to get better and better prepared.

Being open to a rs is good news it seems, embrace it and write out a to do list or just write it out.

I wish you a world of wonderful opportunities to have what you want, do what you need for you.

Step3, You sound pissed and you have every right to be, be angry, you sound like an awesome, understanding, patient and compassionate person and your pwBPD was treated with heart by you.  We are here for you.

[Beneck]

Hey Step3!

I wish I never let her in. So think about it. Can you handle erasing all you've done for yourself?

First of all, it really sounds like you've been through the wringer. Are you with that person currently?

Nevertheless, I infer from your post that I have to be extremely mindful of her behaviour later on, and to mantain strong boundaries.


You're welcome, Sandb2015

1) You may need to do some T with someone who knows what a "non" is going through, I am and she knows "something", not enough.  A warning, interview the T before and tell them what your exact situation is, no need to waste time or money.

2) Unfortunately, the change in dynamic will probably start with you and she may "change", get better and that won't happen on it's own.  She needs help in a different way than you.  She may be able to get better and I hope she does, you need to get better and better prepared.

Being open to a rs is good news it seems, embrace it and write out a to do list or just write it out.

I wish you a world of wonderful opportunities to have what you want, do what you need for you.

I have read the "what to expect in a BPD relationship" article here on this site... I am aware that it takes its toll and I may to have the face the fact that it is something that I cannot do. Or, if I can do it, is it worth the mental strain?

Are you saying that if I go to therapy, I better choose someone well-versed in BPD?

Well, at the beginning anyway, I plan to go to therapy solely for me and not for her or in order to prepare for her or anything. But on the other hand, the breakup has been instrumental in kickstarting this "journey" of self-knowledge, so maybe getting a therapist who knows about BPD and can understand what took place is a good idea.

Thank you for your kind words Sandb2015, wish you all the best.

[once removed]

i think its important to keep in mind that usually, a friendship that occurs after a romantic relationship looks very different, even if you were friends beforehand. i have a few friends that are exes, and its more of a chatty, how ya doin kinda thing every other month or so. the nature of it is very safe and very low maintenance.

be very clear on what you would want and not want out of a friendship. often times, a person in her situation might want the connection, to know she can reach out, and that things are good, but after some initial catching up, wont really make any effort. if you would be expecting her to regularly reach out, or to be close friends, i might hold off. on the other hand, its also possible she might want more than you want out of it.

[Step3]

Beck,

Yes, I have been through the wringer. I hope I wasn't to angry but truth is, I am and I don't want anyone, not even a stranger to experience anything like it. If you still have feelings and she's sure it's just friendship, I guarantee you it will be painful for you. That's in any relationship,  doesn't have to be one with BPD. It's unfair for anyone to expect one who loves them to just be friends. You have to be over it.
It's  good that you'll be mindful of her behavior and maintain your boundaries even if it's difficult. I get it though, I'd do anything to be in my Loves life but it meant me getting hurt and probably because I didn't establish boundaries with her. 


And no, her and I recently broke up again so I'm freshly pissed.

Sandb2015, I appreciate your understanding and validation. It felt good.

[Beneck]

Hey Once Removed!

i think its important to keep in mind that usually, a friendship that occurs after a romantic relationship looks very different, even if you were friends beforehand. i have a few friends that are exes, and its more of a chatty, how ya doin kinda thing every other month or so. the nature of it is very safe and very low maintenance.

Good point, I never had considered that, to be honest! This being my ONLY ex doesn't help things either :p

be very clear on what you would want and not want out of a friendship. often times, a person in her situation might want the connection, to know she can reach out, and that things are good, but after some initial catching up, wont really make any effort. if you would be expecting her to regularly reach out, or to be close friends, i might hold off. on the other hand, its also possible she might want more than you want out of it.

I've realized that the biggest problem in this whole thing is probably me - it is extremely difficult for me to be clear about what I would want and what I wouldn't want because... I don't know what I want! Do I hold it off until I figure it out? Or start talking to her and figure it out by observing my emotional reactions? Also should I be very clear to both me AND her? If so, do I explicity communicate what I expect out of a friendship with her? Or do I ask her what she'd want and act accordingly (go through it, dealy or impose boundaries)?

Also, I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying "might want the connection, to know she can reach out, and that things are good". I think a confidant is what she's primarily looking for right now. Of course, I could be wrong.

...

Hey Step3

Yes, I have been through the wringer. I hope I wasn't to angry but truth is, I am and I don't want anyone, not even a stranger to experience anything like it [...] And no, her and I recently broke up again so I'm freshly pissed.

It's ok to be angry - anyone would be angry in your position, Step3. All of this sounds very difficult and very painful.

If you still have feelings and she's sure it's just friendship, I guarantee you it will be painful for you. That's in any relationship,  doesn't have to be one with BPD. It's unfair for anyone to expect one who loves them to just be friends. You have to be over it.

I don't (yet) know what exactly she means by saying "friends". I intrepret it as: we start having light contact and see where it goes. Good point on having to be over it, it will definitely be painful if we aren't on the same page here, and we more than likely aren't.

[once removed]

i would ask myself "whats the worst that can happen". i dont mean willy nilly, i mean, what are the risks here?

I think a confidant is what she's primarily looking for right now. Of course, I could be wrong.

if so, are you prepared to be that, and what would it look like?

[Beneck]

i would ask myself "whats the worst that can happen". i dont mean willy nilly, i mean, what are the risks here?

Couple of things:

1) I'm scared that putting my ex back into my life, in a any way, shape or form will negatively affect my recent determination and motivation to assume responsibility for myself and identify maladaptive and unserving behaviors and habits within me

2) I still have feelings for her, so her finding someone else (which is a given, eventually) is going to hurt me, less or more. In that case, I may have to cut her out of my life, hurting us (again) both.

if so, are you prepared to be that, and what would it look like?

I don't think I'm prepared for that right now, but I think I definitely will be in the future.

I think it'd look like her telling me what's bothering her, and me practising SET and empathy to validate her emotions (while also taking care not to be invalidating). At the same time, I intent to be an honest listener and put boundaries into place; so validate feelings, not facts, and ensure this does not affect negatively.

Right now, she's blocked. I'm debating unblocking her, having a very quick chat where I am very supportive and gentle, but ultimately telling her that I cannot be her friend right now but I'd love to be in the future. I'd also like to tell her I that I want to work on myself and that I hope both of us are more mature, grown and well-developed in the future, when we talk again. Then, I intent to block her again.

Thoughts?

[Beneck]

Hey guys

So I've been thinking about this matter constantly in my free time and at work. I think that sending an e-mail is a far better way to go about it. Here's what I've come up with so far:

“Dear X

Thank you for reaching out to me. What’s new with you in general? How’s the placement going?

I’m trying to do a lot to stay busy! I’m mostly working as a telemarketer at the moment (I hate it! One sale in 2 weeks! Ugh!) and I’m also handing out flyers to homes and apartments blocks on the side. Thankfully, the guy directly in charge is really cool and we get along really well.

I’m glad to hear you felt understood by me, and that I get you. I’ve always been trying to understand you as well as I possibly could, and it looks like it paid off!

X, your offer for friendship is extremely flattering, but I cannot accept it. I’m in a phase where I’m extremely preoccupied with changing a lot of things about myself. To focus on matters of personal and professional nature. I want to change and to assume responsibility for myself. To act rather than to react. To deal with things better and in a more constructive manner. To stop running away from myself. Right now, I cannot truly be the friend you want and deserve.

I’m sure there will be a time when you and I can be good friends, as we once were.  Perhaps after enough time has passed, when both of us have grown and developed and matured, and we can meet each other anew and make a fresh start. Until that time comes, I’ll do my best to get busy and accomplish as much as possible, so that we much to talk about!

Yours truly
Beneck”

Thoughts? Is it too serious? Should it be more light-hearted?

[once removed]

id scratch the line about understanding her.

id scratch the line about her offer of friendship being flattering but something you cant accept right now.

id scratch the line about "both" of you needing to grow and mature.

if youre not looking to hear back, i wouldnt ask any questions.

personally, if i were in your position, i would keep it to something like "hey. thanks for reaching out, and i hope youre doing well. i think there will a time when we can be good friends as once were, soon. right now, i need some more time."

[Beneck]

personally, if i were in your position, i would keep it to something like "hey. thanks for reaching out, and i hope youre doing well. i think there will a time when we can be good friends as once were, soon. right now, i need some more time."

Wow, that's... actually so much better :p

thanks!

[once removed]

howd it go?

[Beneck]

howd it go?

Hey!

I'm really sorry, I just checked this thread again (after so much time) and saw you had replied here!

Ok, so...

It went well!

Here's how the conversation went (I'm writing from memory since I deleted it shortly afterwards; I had second thoughts in terms of writing, which nothing good would come out of it)

Me:
-Hey X
-Thank you for reaching out!
-I hope you’re doing well!
-I’m sure there will be a time when you and I can be friends again, like we once were, but right now, I need more time.
Her:
-I understand
-I’m not doing too great at the moment, but it could be a lot worse
-I hope you’re alright
Me:
-Thank you
-I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things get better soon.
-I’m alright!
Her:
-Good  I’m glad
-I’m going to say goodbye for now  Feel free to message me when you’re ready. Take care
Me:
-Thank you  You take care too!

So as you can see, she has been very respectful of my desires and wishes. I think that I trust her to respect my boundary/limit and not contact me for some time.

Felt extremely ambivalent about all of it. I still miss her and love her very much, and us talking again didn't help things. I think it's safe to say I haven't fully relinquished hope yet. I'm not sure if that's bad or not, but it's definitely human.

Thanks for the help btw.

How did I do? :p

[once removed]

sorry man, i could have sworn i responded.

i think you did quite well. and it sounds like it went as well as it could have. friendly. good terms.

how you feel about it today?