Noob introduction & Qs

[relievedinCO]

I've been with my wife for almost 6 yrs total, married almost 4 and have 1 son coming up on 3 y.o.  I was recently pointed to "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it's been like reading a transcript of our relationship; her behavior and language, my reactions. 

It's unbelievable how accurate so much of it is.  And, while it's slightly troubling - esp when I see how hard/slow progress can be in dealing with the disorder - it's much moreso a relief to know that it's not a) all in my head and b) me just needing to be better w/ boundaries or whatever.  (though that's absolutely true).

Anyway, 2 questions that I've not seen addressed in what I've read yet.

1) while some of the behaviors were present prior to pregnancy and, esp. childbirth, the number of the BPD traits and the severity have increased dramatically since childbirth.   Have others seen this type of shift?   Has there been any correlation in being able to reverse or mitigate some of the behavior patterns when there is a catalytic event, vs. a more long-time/gradual situation?

2) I'm not present in all her dealings with others but based on what I can tell, the behaviors are waaaaay more frequent and severe with me than with all others.  I would definitely put her in the high-functioning category described in SWOE.  Is this common?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

In many cases, research has shown that BPD gets better over the years.  One thought is that "real life" doesn't tolerate many BPD behaviors, so pwBPD learn to change their behaviors in the school of hard knocks.  I have wondered (though I haven't checked) whether that research focused on low-functioning pwBPD.  My wife is extremely high functioning, and things actually got worse over the years, with noticeable jumps in severity with every major life event (birth of children, job changes for me, severe illness, difficult remodel, etc.).  I also had a situation similar to you in that her behaviors were 95% focused on me.  We are the safest person for them to act out against.  A primary romantic relationship can be a very specific challenge that can be difficult for a high functioning BPD even when they are able to manage outside friendships, work, and children.

What are some of your wife's behaviors that are the most difficult for you?

RC

[relievedinCO]

Tjhank you, the reflection that BPD behaviors can be exacerbated by/after significant life events helps.  One of my big qwuestions was "(how much) was I willfully blind to this?"
hmmm, hard to pick.  Most BPD behaviors are polar opposites of several core values I hold: be honest & straightforward (vs lying and manipulative), take responsibility for your self actions and consequences (deny, deflect and tag), be kind and considerate (blaming and shaming and being intentional hurtful).   I also had a very critical father and felt like I could never win so the volatility, reversals and no-wins have been tough.  I have my own patterns of conflict aversion and withdrawing to avoid it, which of course inflames the BPD core issue of abandonment.
There's a lot of ways in which i have been negligent at setting/enforcing boundaries - in hopes of not making things worse - which of course didn't work and, as noted in SWOE, provided reinforcement for her behavior.  I also look for and second-guess myself a lot thinking there's something I can/should have done different better that would have avoided it.  Which in this case is half-true, i absolutely could have been better with boundaries which wouldn't necessarily have fully avoided the behaviors but would change the dynamics and especially what I let in
It's going to be an interesting road...
R

[once removed]

hi relievedinCO, i want to join Radcliff and say

1) while some of the behaviors were present prior to pregnancy and, esp. childbirth, the number of the BPD traits and the severity have increased dramatically since childbirth.   Have others seen this type of shift?   

which traits?

2) I'm not present in all her dealings with others but based on what I can tell, the behaviors are waaaaay more frequent and severe with me than with all others.  I would definitely put her in the high-functioning category described in SWOE.  Is this common?

i think this can often be chocked up to a few things. intimate relationships can bring out the worst and the best of us. people with BPD traits live in extremes, so that worst and best can be a lot more extreme. there are also BPDish elements, like the fear of abandonment and engulfment, the inherent distrust, and those things can easily be greater when a relationship is more intimate, when a lot more is riding on it.

[Radcliff]

You could just as well have been describing me instead of you in your last post.  Good on you for recognizing what's going on.  Now's the time to start building your skills and changing some of the patterns.  Take a look at this page on setting boundaries and let us know what you think.

RC