The flying monkeys, my sister and aunts

[Depression = 72% of members]

I still have not sent out my wedding invitations. My fiance's family support any decision I make, but they don't have my kind of family and don't really understand. To them, if a family member disagrees with another one, you sit down and talk about it and it gets resolved. In my family, that is impossible.

My sister is contacting my relatives  saying that  she is so hurt that she may not be invited to my wedding. She is pretty much saying I am such a problem and that I always have been. How can I just hurt her so much?

My auntie called me to tell me about sister's contact and to yell at me and agree with my sister. I can not even explain how mean my sister is to me. What she has done to hurt me. Nobody here would believe it. But I am the bad guy. I hate my family appointed role. I have another aunt, Mom's sister, who is spreading rumors about me on FB. Why wont they just leave me alone if I am so bad? I tried talking to my Dad and he said that there is nothing he can do and that he would understand if I didn't invite my family to my wedding. He is browbeaten. Thanks, Dad, but I get why he is afraid to stick up for me. He is very meek. He hates confrontation. So do I.

I cry so much over them. I feel so guilty about possibly not inviting them to the wedding yet I know if I do it will be a disaster. Still, I dont want to hurt anybody and part of me thinks that not inviting them will hurt them.

I would get married at a Justice of the Peace, but fiance obviously wants his family to be there. I would never deny him that.

I dont know what I want from you all. I guess I just wanted to let off steam.

Thanks for being here to listen.

[WakeMeUp123]

I still have not sent out my wedding invitations. My fiance's family support any decision I make, but they don't have my kind of family and don't really understand. To them, if a family member disagrees with another one, you sit down and talk about it and it gets resolved. In my family, that is impossible.

My sister is contacting my relatives  saying that  she is so hurt that she may not be invited to my wedding. She is pretty much saying I am such a problem and that I always have been. How can I just hurt her so much?

My auntie called me to tell me about sister's contact and to yell at me and agree with my sister. I can not even explain how mean my sister is to me. What she has done to hurt me. Nobody here would believe it. But I am the bad guy. I hate my family appointed role. I have another aunt, Mom's sister, who is spreading rumors about me on FB. Why wont they just leave me alone if I am so bad? I tried talking to my Dad and he said that there is nothing he can do and that he would understand if I didn't invite my family to my wedding. He is browbeaten. Thanks, Dad, but I get why he is afraid to stick up for me. He is very meek. He hates confrontation. So do I.

I cry so much over them. I feel so guilty about possibly not inviting them to the wedding yet I know if I do it will be a disaster. Still, I dont want to hurt anybody and part of me thinks that not inviting them will hurt them.

I would get married at a Justice of the Peace, but fiance obviously wants his family to be there. I would never deny him that.

I dont know what I want from you all. I guess I just wanted to let off steam.

Thanks for being here to listen.

[Turkish]

Weddings are a tough call.  It sounds like you anticipate drama. If so, what do you think?

[Zabava]

Your wedding day is important.  I don't know the details of your situation, but I can tell you that I regret trying to please everyone when I got married 20 years ago.  My family was also not predictable and my gut told me that I should either have two separate events or just a civil ceremony.  I still regret that my wedding day was not a happy one because I was on tenterhooks the whole time worrying about a blow up.

Remember that this is about you and your husband to be, no one else. 

[WakeMeUp123]

Thank you. I know my wedding is about us but in a weird way I know that not inviting them, even though they dont like me, will totally be a dealbreaker for them and I will be cut off probably forever. I am not sure why I even care about that. I am pretty much already ignored.

My fiance has been urging me to find a counselor. I think I will. This is making me a mess at a time when I should be so happy.

[Zabava]

Weddings bring up so much emotional baggage for everyone.  I think counselling could help you make a decision that is right for you.  It sounds like you are really in a stressful situation and you need support. 

[once removed]

what do you anticipate happening if you invited your sister?

[zachira]

I hear your hurt about how badly you are being treated by your family and your sorrow about your assigned role in the family. It hurts beyond belief to know that there is no peaceful healing way to work out all the problems that you are blamed for yet in no way contributed to. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I am the longtime scapegoat of my immediate family where in both of my father's and mother's families certain siblings were the scapegoats even though these aunts and uncles treated me with kindness and respect, unlike my parents and some of my siblings. Several members of the younger generations are scapegoats as well. We are here to support you and respect whatever choices you make. When dealing with family members that seek to hurt us and cause us turmoil because they are unhappy people themselves, there are no easy decisions, and there will always be great sorrow about being treated so badly by the family members that were supposed to love and care for us. Do read the posts of others on this site who are/have  been in similar situations as yours. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.   

[WakeMeUp123]

Thank you. Just k owing I am not the only person that an entire dysfunctional family decides is the bad apple is helpful.

It is sad to me to know that at some time I will probably have to go no contact with all of them. My fiance has mentioned moving to the other coast. In his profession, he can always get a job and I can too.

[GreenGlit]

Talk this over with a therapist. Make a plan of action after deciding what role you want them to play in your wedding, if any. It is your day, regardless of what anybody else says. Weddings are so tough and there's probably no good answer that will rid you of your feelings of guilt and obligation...

I decided to invite my family, however they had very limited roles in the wedding and I structured my day to spend as little time with them as humanly possible. My mom still managed to say hurtful things and contributed the only bad memories of my wedding day which I resent. But I had a plan and stuck to it and asked my bridesmaids and friends who understood my situation to be my body guards. Ask for help...this is the time to lean on your support. If your in-law family doesn't understand, sit with them and share stories about your abuse and how they make you feel...hopefully they will understand and also be supportive.

[Benaiah]

That's a tough one. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. He invited his sister, but did not allow her to be in the wedding party. Still drama to this day 5 years later over that issue. I'm divided if it was the right advice or not because of all of the aftermath. It gave her ammunition to be a pain for all these years. But, honestly she probably would have found something else anyways. The wedding day is a day to celebrate your commitment to be together for life. If they can be supportive of that, maybe its best to invite them. Give them a simple task like setting up chairs, putting table cloths out, or putting decorations out. I wouldn't ever ask a borderline to do something significant because they are so unreliable, but if its putting out the decorations that are already there and pre-made. Help carry the gifts to the car after. But I don't know your situation. For the wedding party choose who you want as your bridesmaids and who he wants as his groomsmen. These people are supposed to be there to support you during your marriage, not just on the wedding day. My wife's borderline family forced me to have her brothers as my groomsmen. They were not supportive of me during the wedding, they caused a lot of problems with being irresponsible, and they want my wife to divorce me now. SO, bad choice for me to have given in to that. They still found excuses and made up their own fake ammunition against me anyways, so bowing to their demands really didn't get me anywhere. Either way. For me, my wedding day sucked, but my marriage has been great. And it became even greater when we went no contact with her family and we could live life outside of the fog. So my advice. give a simple task that if it gets messed up by borderline chaos it won't even matter. but not wedding party. Focus on having a good marriage. weddings are stressful.Just get through the day and leave it in the dust and focus on your marriage. Using your wedding party as bodyguards is a good idea too. That is really what they are there for, to protect you and the groom and to support you on your wedding day.

[Benaiah]

P.S. If you choose to go no contact. No contact also includes not thinking of them. Borderlines don't become borderlines out of thin air. Other people in their lives that normalize their behavior are part of the problem too. The "Barrel of Monkeys" are experts at fabricating rumors and smear campaigns. Going no contact has been wonderful for us. I'm a Christian so we struggled with it, but the Bible is pretty clear that we don't have to put up with abuse. I'm not sure what your religion is but that helped us. Either way, you don't have to subject yourself to anyone's abuse. Beat them by choosing your life instead of their life.

[Eureka1]

 I am sorry that you have a BPD sister and flying monkeys when you should be happy.  I know that my uBPD sister would manage to ruin everything that was an important day for me.  Graduation from college, birthdays, Christmas. 

If you decide to invite sister and enabling relative, I would do what a prior person suggested: have your bridesmaids be your protectors. 

I understand the stress of waiting for BPD sister to do or say something and being on edge or walking on eggshells.

You deserve to be happy on your wedding day.