Confused and Distraught

[Hiscaru]

Hello everyone.

I am really struggling. My ex and I broke up over a month ago, and I don't know how to detach myself. I miss her, I miss being with her and calling her mine, and I miss the good times we had. She cheated on me twice, and decided not to come back to me after I offered to forgive her. Since then I have started a no contact period, blocking her on all social media and only keeping her number in my phone. No contact was going great, it was two weeks of what you would expect. I focused on myself, went through some therapy, and went through all the emotional pot holes of recovering. I grieved, I became angry at myself for letting this happen and what she did to me, and I become depressed. I learned through this that there was more to life then this.

Week three is when things took a turn. She reached out to me. Let me preface this by saying that she previously told me she did not even want to be friends. She told me to basically leave and never come back. She called me and I answered it, foolishly. She warned me not to smoke pot, apparently It was being laced at the time and she was calling me back had a seizure and hit her chin on the floor, cracking it open and having to get eleven stitches. I thanked her for calling me and told her to feel better. We were on the phone for only a few minutes, but I missed talking to her and this brought back so much pain and anguish.

Another week went by and she texted me again. She told me she was having an anxiety attack and that I was the only one who could help her. I texted her and let her know that I couldn't be that person anymore, and I couldn't be the person she went to for help. This is when it really hurt. Knowing she could still come back to me as if she did no wrong and expect me to help her. I was hesitant but I did in the end offer to help. She read my text, but did not say anything at all.

Here we are again, three days later. I really don't know what to think anymore. She trashed me, left me broken and having to pick up all the pieces. I miss her, a lot, but I know that I can't get back with her. She doesn't want that and I respect it. She did what she did for a reason. I guess I'm just confused. She is sending me mixed signals. Is she looking out for me and reaching out to me because she misses me? Is this her way of trying to tell me she made a huge mistake?

[Hiscaru]

Edit: The main question I have is this: Am I handling this and look at this the wrong way?

[WindofChange]

Hi Hiscaru,
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I know it's awful. I don't think anyone can tell you definitively if you're looking at things the wrong way. You need to concentrate on taking care of you. It is heartrending to go through the pain of detaching, and when they contact us, it starts the process all over. No contact AT ALL is the only way to get through the process of detaching and healing. I am struggling to do this again myself. I went through it last summer and then got back together with my ex. It has not worked out and I cannot do it anymore. I am emotionally unable to handle it because it's so unhealthy.
Maybe it will help you to deal with some of what you're feeling if you read through the LESSONS portion a bit from this board. You can go back to the main page or just click on the below link. Please know that you're not alone. As you've probably read on here, many others have gone through this, and there is hope on the other side.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

[WindofChange]

This is another link to an article that I had been trying to find for a while on here now (couldn't remember the name of it). It has a lot of good information and really gave me insight into why I was feeling so devastated. A very good explanation of the complex emotions involved on both sides in a relationship between a pwBPD and a non. I hope it helps you as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality