Setting boundaries...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, but I am glad to have found this community. 

I just wanted to open up and share my experiences with setting boundaries with my older sister with BPD.

It's hard. I've never felt like I had a big sister (even though we're 6 years apart). I sometimes feel like I don't know her — like she won't let me in. She's lied to me and about me, stolen from me, said horrible and hurtful things to me (all of these actions also extend to family and friends). It's a very difficult thing to process.

In 2018, we lost our dad and the weight of responsibility I've felt in taking care of her has been a lot. The grief has been what grief is — personal, devastating, unrelenting, and ever-present...but each day I put one foot in front of the other and live with purpose b/c that's one of the many lessons we take away from moments wherein we're reminded of how precious life is...

Yet, there are moments I wish I had a big sister to help guide me – not tear me down, to help support the family, not steal from it. I know she's sick, but I wish she was motivated to be well.

She sees a therapist for her depression and has been diagnosed 2 times with BPD, yet she's denied those diagnoses and chooses to switch doctors once they hint at it. She's in her late 30's now...so, there are times when I feel helpless and incapable of pointing her in the right direction.

When it comes to setting boundaries, I know I'm doing what I can and should to take care of myself, encourage responsibility on part of my sister, and set an example for my mother who is incredibly strong but has long since felt accountable for my sister's behaviors and taken her hurtful words as a reflection of her parenting.

It is so complex and overwhelming, at times.

I have to accept what is, adjust my expectations, and continue to trust that my intentions are good and my best is enough.

Thanks for listening/reading. I'd love to hear anyone else's experience with boundaries, grief, siblings, you name it — I'm all ears.

[simön0951]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, but I am glad to have found this community. 

I just wanted to open up and share my experiences with setting boundaries with my older sister with BPD.

It's hard. I've never felt like I had a big sister (even though we're 6 years apart). I sometimes feel like I don't know her — like she won't let me in. She's lied to me and about me, stolen from me, said horrible and hurtful things to me (all of these actions also extend to family and friends). It's a very difficult thing to process.

In 2018, we lost our dad and the weight of responsibility I've felt in taking care of her has been a lot. The grief has been what grief is — personal, devastating, unrelenting, and ever-present...but each day I put one foot in front of the other and live with purpose b/c that's one of the many lessons we take away from moments wherein we're reminded of how precious life is...

Yet, there are moments I wish I had a big sister to help guide me – not tear me down, to help support the family, not steal from it. I know she's sick, but I wish she was motivated to be well.

She sees a therapist for her depression and has been diagnosed 2 times with BPD, yet she's denied those diagnoses and chooses to switch doctors once they hint at it. She's in her late 30's now...so, there are times when I feel helpless and incapable of pointing her in the right direction.

When it comes to setting boundaries, I know I'm doing what I can and should to take care of myself, encourage responsibility on part of my sister, and set an example for my mother who is incredibly strong but has long since felt accountable for my sister's behaviors and taken her hurtful words as a reflection of her parenting.

It is so complex and overwhelming, at times.

I have to accept what is, adjust my expectations, and continue to trust that my intentions are good and my best is enough.

Thanks for listening/reading. I'd love to hear anyone else's experience with boundaries, grief, siblings, you name it — I'm all ears.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome simon0951! 

I am so glad that you have joined our online family! You will find a lot of others here who are truly able to grasp so much of what you are going through. Often it is difficult for those who do not have someone with BPD in their lives to understand what you are going through and have gone through. Here, we are a big family who does understand.

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulty you have with your sister! It also sounds as if it is a very weighty thing for you to bear, a heavy load that you are struggling to carry. It has not been so long since your dad died, and perhaps you have had little time to grieve that very real loss in your heart because of the needs of your sibling. Do you think that is something that is affecting your ability to grieve properly?

As you mentioned, the loss of not quite ever having the 'big sister' you had hoped for is common among those of us who have someone with BPD in our lives. My own loss was in never quite having a mom, because my mom was uBPD. The pain and sadness is quite tangible, and I think we always long for that unfulfilled need to be met in our life. I am currently learning about focusing on meeting my own needs, but to get to meeting them I first need to identify them. I would say that I have a need to be seen as an individual to my mom (now deceased), not the same as her.

Are you able to identify one need that you have?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

When it comes to setting boundaries, I know I'm doing what I can and should to take care of myself, encourage responsibility on part of my sister, and set an example for my mother who is incredibly strong but has long since felt accountable for my sister's behaviors and taken her hurtful words as a reflection of her parenting.

You love both of them, but it isn't your job to encourage your older sister to manage her life (she is an adult and an independent entity),  nor to demonstrate to your mother how to parent her other child. You're your mother's child too. You also have needs, not to mention your own life to live. 

I'm just throwing this out.  What do you think?