Reconcilation with BPD failed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

17 years ago I married for the first time in my 30's to someone in their 30's,  who, when they were in a healthy space was the love of my life, soul mate and best friend.
Unbeknownst to me I had married a borderline.
Her background story gave hints at it but what could I do about a past I was not present for?
Fast forward 14 years of marriage with a textbook BPD outcome. Anger, depression, suicidal behaviors, lying, maniuplation, turning healthcare providers against me, threatening with law enforcement, inappropriate sexual base communication with men, late onset alcholism (neither of us were drinkers), rehab, recovery and then as usual when BPD's get to that point they are overcoming... an affair that led me divorcing her , which in turn led to more threats.
Fast forward 2 years after that. Watching from afar and being in contact with her family I was aware she was working hard on herself in a genuine manner with remorse and goodwill.
So for the past year we lived together.
Shoulda seen it coming.
On her final trip from where she lived to move to my place I caught her drinking. 6 months in the drinking became problematic and now included erosion of trust, gaslighting and accusing me of loving someone else. Not true in any capacity.
The end came and I asked her to leave. Her family had to come in on this because of the cooccuring disorder of her situation.
Now comes the smear campaign to everyone I know. The triangulation. Black white thinking. I have the emails that begin with her genuine remorse of the fact her choice to drink caused this and change on a dime to I am the worst person ever. Literally one email changed entire direction of her thoughts to me.
She is lucky. I am educated in these matters as a partner, her father is a therapist and her family is versed in these matters as well. Even with all that I am writing to strangers here, depressed, sad and lost that love is not enough to cure addiction or mental health. It is a tragedy that this good person has this stealing her life, that childhood trauma resonates over the decades and manifests itself as such. BPD sufferers are just like you and me. They want a happy life, but events and genetics conspire against them and they, like us are accountable for their choices which is doubly hard for them. It is a tragedy. Mental illness and self medication defeated love.
I just want her to get better even as she vilifies me. My moral compass still points to true north. It is not her soul that I hate. It is the disease that has stolen her life.

[BigSkyBPD]

17 years ago I married for the first time in my 30's to someone in their 30's,  who, when they were in a healthy space was the love of my life, soul mate and best friend.
Unbeknownst to me I had married a borderline.
Her background story gave hints at it but what could I do about a past I was not present for?
Fast forward 14 years of marriage with a textbook BPD outcome. Anger, depression, suicidal behaviors, lying, maniuplation, turning healthcare providers against me, threatening with law enforcement, inappropriate sexual base communication with men, late onset alcholism (neither of us were drinkers), rehab, recovery and then as usual when BPD's get to that point they are overcoming... an affair that led me divorcing her , which in turn led to more threats.
Fast forward 2 years after that. Watching from afar and being in contact with her family I was aware she was working hard on herself in a genuine manner with remorse and goodwill.
So for the past year we lived together.
Shoulda seen it coming.
On her final trip from where she lived to move to my place I caught her drinking. 6 months in the drinking became problematic and now included erosion of trust, gaslighting and accusing me of loving someone else. Not true in any capacity.
The end came and I asked her to leave. Her family had to come in on this because of the cooccuring disorder of her situation.
Now comes the smear campaign to everyone I know. The triangulation. Black white thinking. I have the emails that begin with her genuine remorse of the fact her choice to drink caused this and change on a dime to I am the worst person ever. Literally one email changed entire direction of her thoughts to me.
She is lucky. I am educated in these matters as a partner, her father is a therapist and her family is versed in these matters as well. Even with all that I am writing to strangers here, depressed, sad and lost that love is not enough to cure addiction or mental health. It is a tragedy that this good person has this stealing her life, that childhood trauma resonates over the decades and manifests itself as such. BPD sufferers are just like you and me. They want a happy life, but events and genetics conspire against them and they, like us are accountable for their choices which is doubly hard for them. It is a tragedy. Mental illness and self medication defeated love.
I just want her to get better even as she vilifies me. My moral compass still points to true north. It is not her soul that I hate. It is the disease that has stolen her life.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Big Sky,     and welcome to BPD family.

It certainly sounds like you have been through a very tough time. I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You have a lot of empathy, despite the harm that has been caused to you. That speaks a lot to your character.

BPD is a very difficult disorder, as is alcoholism/substance abuse disorder. My stbx (soon to be ex, separated, not yet divorced) husband has addiction issues and fits most of the criteria for BPD, though he is not diagnosed. He refuses all treatment, and I have seen both disorders erode everything good in his life.

Do you have a therapist for yourself? Grieving a relationship, even one that was not healthy, is a process. We will walk through it with you, and you are not alone.

Please post more when you feel up to it, and again, welcome to the family.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[itsmeSnap]

They want a happy life, but events and genetics conspire against them and they, like us are accountable for their choices which is doubly hard for them. It is a tragedy. Mental illness and self medication defeated love.

I want a happy life, but events and genetics (I'm no male model ) have probably conspired against me.

Truth is, any illness needs more than love to overcome. Personality disorders become "disorders" and not just "traits" the moment they cause dysfunction in a person's life (or so I've read).

As to what that means for you, well, I'd ask you to share more of your story, I want to know (and few people seem willing or even able to answer) what happens around the time the "flip" happens.

So many say "we had a perfect thing for years, and then catastrophic failure". I was there myself once, though I just got ghosted. What happened with me? I backed out when she needed me to be close. What happened when your ex went spiraling down?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BigSkyBPD, Sorry to hear, though am unsurprised.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view, for the reasons you describe.  Just the way it is w/BPD.

It is depressing and sad, I know, but change can also lead to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, in my view.

LuckyJim