Newly diagnosed D18 blames me for ruining her life; I'm feeling hopeless & lost

[chevymom]

My 18-year daughter has been diagnosed BPD as well as bipolar and PTSD.  It's like she isn't the same person anymore.  I miss my daughter so much.  I'm actually grieving the loss. She spent 3 months in a residential center and is home with us now.  Little things set her off and she acts like a toddler.  I'm to blame for ruining her life. If I hadn't sent her away her life would be good.  She takes no responsibility in any of her actions.  She is very depressed and talks about wishing she was dead.  My younger child is afraid of her.  She plans to go to college in the fall but I don't see how she will make it.  She was heavily using Marijuana to numb herself before and is not allowed to do that in our home but I know will if she goes away to school.  She is on meds and in therapy but I still feel just hopeless and lost.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome to the boards, chevymom!

You've come to the right place for support as you navigate your relationship with your newly diagnosed daughter. Many of us have felt hopeless, lost, these relationships are so intense.

Here, you will find a very supportive, non-judgmental group of parents who are traveling similar paths, you are not alone.

Grief is definitely part of the process, something I only recently realized, with the help of my T (therapist) and family here.

Is your daughter accepting of her diagnosis? Receiving any post-treatment services? How about you? Are you seeing a T? Many of us have found working with a T that specializes in BPD to be invaluable.

Reaching out here is a great way to build your support network. Continue posting here, reading and posting in other's threads - it will help you to feel connected to the community.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you. In the meantime, I encourage you to read and learn all you can about BPD. A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It has some of our best articles and lessons - take it at your own pace and come back here with any questions/comments. We are here for you and we want to help.

Again,

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Chevy Mom
Here is a gentle hug. Welcome to the group. I am glad you are with us and sorry for what brings you here. My 24 yr old son has BPD and cannabis addiction too. I also grieve for the loss of the person I thought he was as I learn to embrace who he really is. It is a painful process but I promise things CAN get better so don't give up. You definitely did the right thing by coming here. This is a very supportive and helpful and loving and nonjudgmental group of people who really get what it is like to have a BPD child in your life. First things first. Are you taking good care of yourself?

[Mirsa]

Welcome,

It seems that blaming others and actively pursuing victimhood is part and parcel for BPDs.   Try not to take it personally.  My 18yo BPD DD blamed her father for all of her problems for two years, then moved in with him when I started to push her to stop doing that and take responsibility for herself, and so she flipped, and now blames ME!   I went from being the world's best mother to the world's worst mother in about two weeks.  Last year she and I celebrated mother's and father's day...today I didn't hear from her at all.   Sadly, her father fully supports her victimhood; at least for now.  In another year or so, he will catch on to her game and then I wonder who she will blame for all of her problems.  She's a young adult, and at some point, it has to become her life, her choices, and her responsibility.

As an aside, my 16yo DD grew up in the same family, has had many challenges in the past few years, and accepts responsibility for herself, her choices, her screw-ups, and relationships.  

I don't expect my BPD DD to ever change.  It's never been her fault when a relationship/friendship failed and it never will be.  Poor, poor victim.  

On some level (not every level obviously), I do feel sorry for herself.  It must suck to always be the victim, to never feel like you have control over yourself and your life, and to feel as though life is something that happens TO you, not that you can design and control your own life.  It's a ready excuse, but also traps her into a role of perpetual unhappiness.  That must suck.