The Sadness of Mother's Day For Those Who Are Abuse Victims

[zachira]

Mother's Day is coming up and I feel tremendous sadness in my heart. My mother is elderly and this may be her last Mother's Day on Earth. My mother still tries to be a loving mother and she doesn't know how. She has done many generous things for her children yet she can't see us, talk to us as separate people from her, either by sharing her life or being interested in ours.  For those who were raised by a kind caring mother that helped her children to be the best people they can be and accepted their children for who they are, I imagine there is tremendous pleasure in recognizing mom on this special day. For those of us who had a mother who abused us, yet sometimes did generous things for us or never did, Mother's Day is painful. Can you share with us your feelings about the upcoming Mother's Day?

[Hopeandjoy]

I feel sad that I don't have a wonderful mother to celebrate on mother's day. I feel unacknowledged, like no one understands how difficult it has been to be a mother to myself. At the same time I see the strong person I've become b/c of it. I feel 100% at peace knowing that this experience prepared me for my life purpose. I'm excited to see what the future holds. I have no regrets. I am grateful for never having the wonderful mother because that's what made me the special kind of beautiful I am now   

[Turkish]

I don't have my kids this coming weekend.  Last I heard, my mom was in the hospital for a broken hip. She didn't know who I and the kids were when we saw her in January. I'm not going to drive 2.5 hours to see her Sunday, as I don't see the point. Doubtless, many adult kids will visit the home Sunday.  I also feel like a POS for feeling so and not doing so.

[todayistheday]

Mother's day is always very difficult for me.  I almost never miss church, but I do not go on Mother's day.  All the big deal about mothers, children, etc.

I never had children.  I did not know about BPD until I was almost 50.  All that I knew was that I had a miserable childhood and I was afraid that I would also be a bad mother.  I also did not want to put a child into a relationship with either my Mom, or any of my in-laws (my in-laws have a different issue.)

So I experience both the sadness of my Mother not being a loving Mother and the sadness of not being a mother myself.  So I stay away.  Then on Monday, I take a vacation day and take my Mom out to lunch.  She does not want to go on Mother's Day because she does not like to go out when it's "crowded and the restaurants are filled with screaming children."  The only reason that I do it is to keep peace for my Dad.  If I don't, he becomes the object of her rage.  I have learned to make her be nice to me.  I still have all of the bad memories and the knowledge that she is not nice to anyone else.  So I'm sitting in front of someone being fake and who no matter how hard I try, I can't keep myself from resenting.

All of the TV commercials make it even worse.  I am truly happy for loving families.  But when I see them, fake on TV or real in person, my heart aches for what I never had, either in childhood or adulthood.

[LonelyButTrying]

My sister, dutiful as she is, has been looking for Mother's Day cards. I've been with her and read a few and wondered, "Where can I find those mothers?"

Late yesterday afternoon, we were in Ralphs supermarket doing the food shopping, and she stopped at the Mother's Day cards to look at those, since we had only been to Dollar Tree so far.

I looked at three of the cards, finding the same sentiments as the ones at Dollar Tree and thought for a minute, then said to my sister, "I think I've come up with the perfect Mother's Day card.":

"Thanks for all the terror, the worry, the stress, and the fright.
Despite everything, I think I'm turning out all right."

The personal jury's still out on that one, but that made me laugh when I told my sister, not only because it's true, but it has become my protective mechanism as Mother's Day approaches.