Struggling to find ways to support DS18 on his road to recovery

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi All,

I am new to bpdfamily.  

My 18 year old son was recently diagnosed with depression, ADD and with BPD traits.  He is currently dropped out of college and living at home with very low functionality.  

I join this group in hope to find advises and supports from other members, who are in similar situations.  At the moment,  I am struggling to find ways to help my son on his road to recovery.

Seeking Help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Seekinghelp25!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here but am really glad you found us. Many parents here will be able to relate to what you've shared, you are not alone.

You've found a great place for support and learning more about BPD, I'm glad you've joined us.

You say your son was recently diagnosed - can you tell us more about how that came about? What are the behaviors that led to the diagnosis? For my DD25 (dear daughter, 25 y.o.), the diagnosis came during her most recent hospitalization for self-harm at around age 18. It's hard for me to remember exactly when because I rejected the diagnosis after reading all the doom and gloom about it on the internet.

So you see, you are ahead of the game, desiring to learn how you can support your son in his recovery.

Is your son accepting of his diagnosis? In treatment?

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

Again, Welcome!

~ OH

[Hopeandjoy]

Hello!

It's great you are reaching out for help during this time.

My best advice is to get some proper assertion skills for yourself. (boundary setting).

When it comes to the positive and negative parts of your r/s with your son, it's best to leave psychology out of it. The idea of personality disorders is subjective to manmade standards, understanding your childs diagnosis is meant to be a point of reference that helps you respond differently to them. It's not a way to place all of the negativity on one person, and it's not a way to claim one person is defective. If you decide that your son is defective he will act defective.

I would consider getting counseling yourself. pwBPD are very reactive and respond well to role modeling. Therapy is a good way to learn life skills. It is not a way to convince your son to change or to back yourself up with a professional's opinion. With that in mind, it's a good idea to suggest family counseling but respect each person's right to decline.

It sounds like this is all fresh, I would stay in tune to your drives during this time. separate support from catering, and be patient with yourself as you learn new communication skills.
 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Seeking Help
It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. Your son sounds a lot like mine; dropped out of college, both ADD and BPD, lived at home for a while etc. The good news is there is hope. You can aquire the skills you need to have a better relationship with him. Are you currently reading any books on the subject? If you want a recommendation, I would start with Shari Manning's "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder." It really helped me put the pieces together. Maybe it will help you too. What also helps is posting here in this safe space. I hope you will do it often.

[Seekinghelp25]

Thank you for the advice and reply.

Let me try to step back and give a little more detail of DS’s history.

DS was a happy kid in elementary and middle school.  A typical easy going kids, who might be forgetful and unorganized.

Things start to change at the beginning of puberty.  He became irritable, and had many anger outbursts at home.  We attributed this to teen’s normal behavior.  At school, he was still well behaved.

His condition deteriorated during junior year.  I think it was partially due to overwhelming pressure from school ( he was in a gifted program with demanding curriculum).  He became very defiance and avoidance, burying himself in video games.  When DH and I trying to limit his internet access, we were met with violent outbursts (destruction of property, and sometimes suicide threats).  We tried several time to convince him to go the therapy.  It all ended with him quitting after several visits.  The diagnosis at the time was inconclusive.  As he disguised himself well outside of the family.

DS had his first hospitalization during his senior year, when the pressure of college application became unbearable to him.  During his midterm week, he locked himself in his room for 4 days, came out only for food and use the bathroom.  At the end of the 4th day,  DH and I trying go get into his room.  He resisted by threatening to jump from the window. It ended with me calling 911, and DS admitted to Phosp for three days.  The psychiatrist in ER diagnosed him with MD and BPD, but the psychiatrist in Phosp, think he just has MD.  The positive outcome of the hospitalization was DS realized he needed help, and agreed to see a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis.  The rest of the senior years has been rocky, but he managed to graduate from high school, and got accepted to a college.

The first month of college life had been exciting for DS.  Then reality sets in.  He felt bored and unmotivated again (thinking all of his classed are useless and boring).  Unable to manage his intense boredom, and the same time feeling guilty and anxious about his future, his depression flares up.  He moved back home in April, and again sunken into this sleep, eat and video game life. He isolated him first from his friends, now it seems from us.  The only time he ventured out is when he has an appointment with the therapist.

[Hopeandjoy]

Thanks for sharing this, it sounds like you have always been interested in his life and understanding of his experiences.

Getting him diagnosed is a good start, you can use that to get valuable information and find support.

I think the most important thing is yourself learning healthy communication. All of this information is available for free online, or you can be guided by a therapist. Since your son has some PDs he won't be able to initiate this change. It is more appropriate for the parent to teach the child. pwBPD are reactive, meaning you are always the anchor when dealing with them.

I have never seen a family improve from putting their teen in treatment. I have seen adult children (who their parents thought had BPD) teach their parents communication skills and find out along the way that their diagnosis was wrong. I watched a young man die in this process, and his parents continue to "treat" their other son. I would like to see you and your son not go through that.

[Harri]

Hi Seeking help and welcome to our site.  I want to join the others in saying I am glad you found us.  We can help you cope better and learn skills that can help you help your son and help you cope with the stress that can occur.  Reaching out and building a support system is a part of this so again, I am glad you are here.   


We have had several members who have learned to turn their situation around and have been able to help their child along with therapy and or treatment (both in and out patient with and without medication) so there is hope.  Things can get better for you and for your son.  It takes work and a willingness to learn the tools and how to apply them but it is worth it.

Often the first line of defense is for you to take care of you.  Being here is a part of that.  So once again, I am glad you joined us.

Please do read and post and not just when in crisis.  The parents on this board understand and can help.   

[Seekinghelp25]

I have read several books on BPD, and found them to be extremely helpful.  Will definitely check out “loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder”.

I am in the process of practicing the communication tools described in the book.  However, it will take time to practice and perfect the skills.

Also, there are times II doubt that I might be too lenient, and thus enabling DS’s bad habits.

I think this is the right place asking for advises supports.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Seekinghelp25  

I join others welcoming you.

My daughter is in remission, what I learnt is to step back and give space, learn as you are and come here daily for support and advice to keep on track, join our community of friendship and along with others pass on my learning these last 4 years.

Also, there are times II doubt that I might be too lenient, and thus enabling DS’s bad habits

. In what way? I've felt that too, I went with my gut. You know your child more than anyone. It's an important question you raise.

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder was also my first go to. A compassionate read I related to.

Take it gently, see you soon.  

WDx

[Hopeandjoy]

I am in the process of practicing the communication tools described in the book.  However, it will take time to practice and perfect the skills.

Also, there are times II doubt that I might be too lenient, and thus enabling DS’s bad habits.

Yes, it takes a while to perfect the skills. When you feel your other relationships shift, you will know you're making progress. I encourage you to broaden your research and focus more on assertiveness, communication, and processing your emotions. If you focus on your son's disorder, the family dynamic will stay as it is.

You are right that being too lenient enables bad habits. A hard-nosed (aggressive) approach makes BPD even worse, because it puts them on the defense. Be careful not to swing between two extremes, but be patient with yourself as you learn to find that balanced middle road.

[Outathinair]

You're situation sounds so much like mine. My DS21 had the exact same experience. I am struggling with him now. We are going on month 6 of him locked in his room, video games, dropped out of college. Please feel free to message me. I am learning as I go but it is very overwhelming and I never know if I am doing the right thing. I am glad you are here. xo

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Arusha]

Hi Seekinghelp25,

I am also new to this site.  With my first post just a couple of days ago.  What you are describing is very similar to our 17 year old.  Our son does not have an official diagnosis because he is not 18.  However, after two visits to the ER, the attending psychiatrists have stated he exhibits BPD traits. He was also previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  Our son is still in high school but he skips class all the time and will likely only get one credit for this entire year.  He sees a therapist but only reluctantly and I'm not sure it is actually helping. He tells his therapist all kinds of stuff including being addicted to heroine when he was in junior high school.  So obviously untrue.

I relate with your comments on being too lenient.  I sometimes avoid setting boundaries and feel like I am being held hostage since I don't want another suicide attempt.  I now try to ask him "What can I do to support you?" or "What can I do to help?"  While the response is usually just give me space, I will continue to ask since I might get a different response one day.

I can't offer much in regards to help as I am also new to this.  Though I found reading as much as I can on BPD has been helpful.  Also knowing that there are others experiencing similar situations is ironically comforting.  While I wouldn't want other families to go through these situations, it helps to know that we aren't the only family. 

Take care,
Arusha

[Seekinghelp25]

Outathinair, Arusha,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  It helps tremendously to know that I am not alone.

DH and I are trying to change our ways of communicating with DS.  I could see some positive effects, like less angry outbursts and conflicts within the family.

But I also feel that DH and I need to set more boundaries.  We just don’t know how yet. 

I understand the importance of acceptance, but I am not willing to give up my hope, the hope that one day DS will become an independent individual.  I think deep inside, it is his hope as well.

[Only Human]

I am in the process of practicing the communication tools described in the book.  However, it will take time to practice and perfect the skills.

It sure does! Keep at it, Seekinghelp, we are walking alongside you, holding you up when you are not strong.

DH and I are trying to change our ways of communicating with DS.  I could see some positive effects, like less angry outbursts and conflicts within the family.

It's great you've seen some positive results of your effects to communicate differently with your DS. I've had the same experience in my home, things are improving - just not in a linear fashion. It's two steps forward, one back (and sometimes three back!)

We've lots of tools, articles, and workshops aimed at communicating differently, have you had a chance to look around in the Community Built Knowledge Base section of the boards? Here's a direct link to the section containing the Workshops:

Library: Tools and skills workshops

Have a look around and come back here with any questions, we want to help.

~ OH

[Hopeandjoy]

But I also feel that DH and I need to set more boundaries.  We just don’t know how yet. 

I understand the importance of acceptance, but I am not willing to give up my hope, the hope that one day DS will become an independent individual.  I think deep inside, it is his hope as well.

This is a great goal, and I think it's great to keep that hope alive!

Setting more boundaries will help. Once you have more successes, it gets easier. The best way to communicate boundaries with DS is to zoom in on one issue at a time, after self reflection, with a win-win approach. Don't forget that your son will have boundaries as well.

[Seekinghelp25]

I think you are right Hopeandjoy.  Boundary and respect are mutual.