Trying so hard not to break NC

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Thanks to this site I went NC with my ex w/BPD a month or so ago. After a while I was really starting to feel better, and even ready to get out on a couple of dates etc. Modern dating is brutal, and my self-esteem took a few knocks but in general I was doing okay with it. Getting better as time went on, anyway. 

Last week I met a woman I'd been chatting to online for about a week. The night before we met we spoke on the phone and talked for about two hours. We had a great time on the date too, we were at ease with each other and had a lot of fun. She's only a few years older than my ex but so much more mature and self-aware. She's pretty, smart, talented and fun. I don't think either of us do this normally (certainly I don't) but things felt right so we had sex that night. Again, this was really nice, relaxed and comfortable, as if we'd known each other for some time.

During sex I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. Not that it was better with her, that's really not the case. But I was comparing, and longing for her. Since then she's been back in my thoughts all the time and I'm trying my hardest not to contact her again. I don't have her number, but she's pretty successful in her field so her phone number is not hard to find online. I haven't contacted her yet but I am afraid I will, and the old wound will reopen and I'll be back where I was 3-4 months ago.

What's wrong with me? This woman is everything my ex was not; subjectively better in every single way. But I know the ex (or my mind's depiction of her) will destroy this. I'm thinking about her smile again, missing her body, missing the boundless love she seemed to give at the start of our relationship and when things were going well. I'm longing for her again. I'm worried that I'll never be able to simply 'be' with someone again.

[Astray]

Thanks to this site I went NC with my ex w/BPD a month or so ago. After a while I was really starting to feel better, and even ready to get out on a couple of dates etc. Modern dating is brutal, and my self-esteem took a few knocks but in general I was doing okay with it. Getting better as time went on, anyway. 

Last week I met a woman I'd been chatting to online for about a week. The night before we met we spoke on the phone and talked for about two hours. We had a great time on the date too, we were at ease with each other and had a lot of fun. She's only a few years older than my ex but so much more mature and self-aware. She's pretty, smart, talented and fun. I don't think either of us do this normally (certainly I don't) but things felt right so we had sex that night. Again, this was really nice, relaxed and comfortable, as if we'd known each other for some time.

During sex I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. Not that it was better with her, that's really not the case. But I was comparing, and longing for her. Since then she's been back in my thoughts all the time and I'm trying my hardest not to contact her again. I don't have her number, but she's pretty successful in her field so her phone number is not hard to find online. I haven't contacted her yet but I am afraid I will, and the old wound will reopen and I'll be back where I was 3-4 months ago.

What's wrong with me? This woman is everything my ex was not; subjectively better in every single way. But I know the ex (or my mind's depiction of her) will destroy this. I'm thinking about her smile again, missing her body, missing the boundless love she seemed to give at the start of our relationship and when things were going well. I'm longing for her again. I'm worried that I'll never be able to simply 'be' with someone again.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Astray,

I am short on time, I'm sorry. But I wanted to tell you that I hear you. NC is hard, even if it is the best choice for us.

It sounds like you may not be ready for a new relationship, no matter how good the new one might seem. Grieving is a process, and I know we say that a lot here, but it is true. You may cycle through the stages for a while before reaching the acceptance stage where you are at peace with the end of the old relationship.

It is hard to start a new relationship before properly grieving the old one. It's natural that this new relationship has triggered your unresolved feelings for what you hoped to have with your ex.

We're here, we've got you. It's hard to end a relationship and go NC, and we understand.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[babyducks]

Hi Astray,

I don't think anything is wrong with you.    Ending a relationship is painful.    Ending a relationship when a serious mental illness is involved is more so.    Like Redeemed said, grief is a process.    It takes time.

No Contact can be a great tool to put distance between two emotionally raw people.    It buys some time for feelings to cool.      It does not create or generate healing.     The healing comes from the active steps we take to resolve our tangled feelings.

What would you hope to have happen if you broke NC right now?

'ducks   

[Astray]

Thank you Redeemed and babyducks.

I guess you're right, I'm not ready yet. In a way I have been feeling like I needed to meet someone else, someone good, in order to blow her out of my heart and mind, to replace her with something better. Does that make sense? Like if I start a relationship with someone nice and decent and honest I'll wonder what I ever saw in her. I wasn't expecting this reaction though.

After having a few days to process this I think I'm going to continue seeing her, at a very gentle pace. She's aware of what I've been through and is not that long out of a 10-year relationship herself, so I don't think she is in any hurry. It would be a shame to waste something so good and in a way I don't want my ex to continue to ruin my life. As long as we are straight with each other hopefully things will be okay.

I'm doing great in every other way. I've moved to a new city, with a lot more opportunities and things to do, and for the first time in several years I feel like I have a future. I'm going to get better but I've always been impatient!

Ducks, you asked the right question and one that has prevented me from contacting the ex so far. In truth I know that nothing good will come of me contacting her. I don't actually want her. She's not good enough for me. She never was. I know that the love I felt from her when things were 'good' was not real, and what I'm yearning for was an illusion. It never existed. My heart would like her to be the person I thought she was when we met, and hopes we could magically return to that. It's not real and I have to tell myself that all day every day at the moment.

[clvrnn]

Hello,

Don't feel that you need to start dating because everyone else is, or because she is, or because that's what you've been told will help or is what you should be doing. If it is causing these feelings within you, it's likely that you are not ready. That is OK. How about some time off from dating? It looks like it's a bit of a trigger for you, which is understandable.

[Astray]

Hi, thanks for your comment. I don't think that really applies to me. I'm dating because although I'm clearly not over the pain yet, I have been single for quite a while now and I won't know if I don't try. I really don't pay any attention to what other people are doing. I'm 46 years old. So I guess there's the thought that if I don't meet someone I'll be alone for the rest of my life in the back of my mind.

[clvrnn]

Hi, thanks for your comment. I don't think that really applies to me. I'm dating because although I'm clearly not over the pain yet, I have been single for quite a while now and I won't know if I don't try. I really don't pay any attention to what other people are doing. I'm 46 years old. So I guess there's the thought that if I don't meet someone I'll be alone for the rest of my life in the back of my mind.

Hello again,

That's OK, thanks for being honest about my comment. I can totally understand your fears around being alone, etc. I feel that way too, sometimes. I find that as I get older each break up adds to the feeling of time running out, etc. What happened to the woman you were seeing, you said you were going to continue seeing her? How is it going?

Clvrnn x

[Astray]

And thank you too for taking the time to read and comment! This community has helped me so much.

As regards the woman I'm seeing, it's still very early days. We've had one date which went very well indeed and ended up being a lot more intimate than either of us had intended or expected! However we seem to communicate very well so there doesn't appear to be any discomfort with what happened. And as I have said, she's pretty raw too, as it's only a few months since her husband left her and she subsequently found out he was having an affair.

She is really nice but since these feelings for my ex resurfaced I've had this sense of dread, that I'm never going to be free of her and she's going to haunt every new relationship I attempt.

[clvrnn]

Is this your first relationship/dating experience since your ex pwBPD? Sorry if you may have mentioned that somewhere! It's nice to hear that this new woman has open communication skills, that's so important - especially after the relationship you had before. Perhaps these feelings of dread and thoughts of your ex will die down in time, do you think that's likely?

[babyducks]

In truth I know that nothing good will come of me contacting her. ../../.. My heart would like her to be the person I thought she was when we met, and hopes we could magically return to that. It's not real and I have to tell myself that all day every day at the moment.

Hi Astray,

I think the urge to contact is normal, natural.    I think what is important is that you develop the skills to identify what is happening, why it's happening and pull apart what it means and what will likely happen.   To think it through.

My Ex and I had some very good times together.    Times I enjoyed very much.    Every so often I think,  'huh I wonder what Ex would say about some current world event or local news'.    and I think that would be a pleasant conversation to have.    I don't act on that feeling because I know that while we might start with a pleasant 15 minutes, that eventually it would degrade into how horrible I was.    How she suffered because of my 'meanness'.    that's sad.   and I allow myself to be sad.    it's okay to be sad.     I know what a conversation would be like with her in terms of consistent respect, support, politeness.

I think it takes time to recover from these relationships.    Usually more time than we think.     What seems to be true for most of us, is these failed relationships open our core wounds.     Life breaks us all and we all have core wounds.    If our BPD relationship touches that core wound it takes longer to heal.    

my two cents.
'ducks

[Astray]

Yes, it is, I have been on quite a lot of dates in the last few months but this is the first one that's really shown any promise.

If my ex had been honest with me I might be further down the road to recovery than I am right now. It was a long distance relationship (I'm not sure how familiar you are with the UK but she's in London and I'm in Wales) and the last time we saw each other was August last year. Things were rocky for a few months but we both still said we loved each other and were committed to working it out. However in mid-November I found out she'd moved back in with her ex before me. Even then she was still flirting with me, being affectionate and telling me she'd made a mistake and would come and see me as soon as work allowed. It wasn't really until January that I really had to accept that it was over.

So it's been about four months but feels like longer, if you see what I mean. I'm hoping these feelings will subside, and I thought they would when I met the new woman as she seemed to be everything that the ex was not.

[clvrnn]

OK, I see what you mean now. Even though it was over a while ago, you were still having quite emotionally-charged contact with each other. That makes sense to the way you're feeling. And as babyducks says above, these relationships are just so complex and hard to recover from. So try not to worry about how you are feeling, these might just be residual feelings, some sort of release. Maybe as things progress (if you wanted them to) with this woman, the feelings might die down.

I'm very familiar with the UK, I'm in London and funnily enough spent a lot of time in Wales, too!

[babyducks]

I'm hoping these feelings will subside, and I thought they would when I met the new woman as she seemed to be everything that the ex was not.

I understand why you would be hoping the old feelings for your Ex would subside.    Makes sense, what you are describing.     Still I would suggest that your feelings are yours,   your responsibility,  your job to work through.     As somebody farther down the road than you,  my experience is that having some one else help me with my feeling is a slippery slope.    I got into my relationship with my BPD because I thought my EX would help me feel better.     I want to be aware of maintaining personal boundaries and how they work in a healthy relationship.

I'm not saying don't date.    I am saying to be aware that healthy relationships require certain skills, tools,  efforts.     Understanding the motivation for the relationship is important.

[Astray]

Babyducks:

I go through exactly the same process! The bad memories far outweigh the good but now and then it's a little thing, I think of her smile, something funny she said, or maybe my daughter will mention her (they became very close). So it's my emotions vs my rational mind battling it out. I know that nothing good will come of reopening contact and that she could never be what I want and need. I guess it just takes some reinforcement.

clvnn, yes you are also right, and I think I need to practise a bit of mindfulness in that sense. Let those feelings exist, acknowledge them but don't let them take over. I think being intimate with someone new brought a lot of stuff to the surface, which is to be expected really.

How interesting that you've spent a lot of time in Wales, where was that? Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about that.

[clvrnn]

That's a good way of looking at it. Sometimes I try not to fight my feelings and just say well, this is how I feel today, so let me just get on with it, it's all part of the process of detaching. Often when I do that I find I'm able to relax a bit and not feel as anxious, tense or stressed. Maybe the same approach could be useful for you and your feelings

Yes, I would go there very often - my family have no connection to Wales but we love it there and would go all the time. Llangollen, Cardiff, Anglesey, Aberystwyth, Capel Curig (I think!) - and many others - Beautiful country. I will definitely message you about it!

[clvrnn]

"Still I would suggest that your feelings are yours,   your responsibility,  your job to work through."

babyducks, this is a really good comment. often I have felt as if I should be elsewhere in my healing, I should have moved on, I should be with someone else. But really, this is my journey, my feelings. If it takes me three years or three weeks to heal, that's me, and really no one should dictate how you should feel and there's no shame in feeling a certain way after a period of time.

Sorry to hijack the thread, that line really just stood out at me. Thank you.

[babyducks]

I think being intimate with someone new brought a lot of stuff to the surface, which is to be expected really.

I think you are 100% correct, a lot of stuff came to the surface, and that's expected.    The old cliché about don't take the baggage of your old relationship into your new relationship is a cliché for a reason.   Both of you are coming out of relationships that created loss, grief and hurt.   I think that makes both of you vulnerable.   When does the old baggage become too much?   and interfere with creating something new?    that's hard to say.    but to play devil's advocate for a minute,  do you think it's possible to be present for her, aware of her, and in the moment with her, while you work on the old baggage?

[ often I have felt as if I should be elsewhere in my healing, I should have moved on, I should be with someone else. But really, this is my journey, my feelings. If it takes me three years or three weeks to heal, that's me, and really no one should dictate how you should feel and there's no shame in feeling a certain way after a period of time.

hey clvrnn,    I had big plans to be over my EX in 6 months.     I thought that was a reasonable amount of time.    I was on a mission.        yeah.   oh it didn't turn out that way at all.    I should have all over myself.   so not only did I have bad feelings about how the relationship turned out,  I shamed myself for not getting over it.   quickly.     no one should dictate how you feel.     feeling just are.     it's what we do with our feelings that matter.

'ducks

[Astray]

I think you are 100% correct, a lot of stuff came to the surface, and that's expected.    The old cliché about don't take the baggage of your old relationship into your new relationship is a cliché for a reason.   Both of you are coming out of relationships that created loss, grief and hurt.   I think that makes both of you vulnerable.   When does the old baggage become too much?   and interfere with creating something new?    that's hard to say.    but to play devil's advocate for a minute,  do you think it's possible to be present for her, aware of her, and in the moment with her, while you work on the old baggage?

This makes perfect sense. Hopefully, as she's actually someone who can communicate her feelings articulately and doesn't immediately shoot mine down when I express them, we can both support each other and not push each other too hard. That's what I'm going to try to do, anyway. As you said before, these are my feelings and I've got to deal with them.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think you are doing a great job, Astray.

Yes, being mindful of the feelings is what helps us process them. Stuffing them down or trying all manner of things to avoid feeling them keeps us stuck and prevents healing.

I understand about feeling like time is running out to find someone. I am 41 myself, and this last relationship with my stbx uBPDh was my second failed marriage. I am OK with just being me for now, but I experienced a lot of abuse, so a new relationship kind of really scares me. At the same time, I notice a lot of married couples (especially older ones) and wonder if I can ever hope to find someone else again, when I am ready.

I am glad you are able to communicate with this new woman. It sounds like she has had a rough time as well. Perhaps if you both are up front with feelings and take it slowly, it will work out for you.

Redeemed

[Astray]

Thank you, Redeemed.

As I've said, these are very early days - we've met once. And we've both been upfront about what we've been through, it's quite possible that she decides that this is too much for her to take on and that would be absolutely fair enough. Where she lives is actually about an hour's journey from me so we're not going to be seeing each other all the time anyway, so I think going slow is right for both of us right now. I think I need to sit back and see what it brings, just enjoy it for now. I'm terrible for overthinking things!

[Astray]

Something I forgot to add: in a moment of weakness I went to my ex's website yesterday and got her phone number off it. However I've managed to stop myself from texting her and have now deleted it again.

I'm quite proud of that!

[Astray]

I am really struggling with this today. All the pain has come back, it feels like the wound has reopened. I know contacting her won't do me any good. She's not what I need and she's no good for me. All I will get is the same passive-aggressive stuff and her pretending that everything is great in her life now. I'm really distressed

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you are struggling today, Astray.    I went through a series of fluctuating emotions when my relationship first ended for good, including anger, determination, sadness, guilt, hopefulness, and sometimes just feeling numb. In my case, he contacted me (and still does) intermittently and it was a challenge at first not to answer. The first time I got a text from him, from a new number that wasn't blocked yet, I had a ptsd-like reaction to it. Very unsettling.

You recognize that contacting her won't net you anything except more of the same behavior you saw from her in the past. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. At the same time, you are feeling the pain of the relationship ending and when that happens, it can be easy to imagine that maybe something would be different if you resume contact. You are realizing that most likely, nothing has changed, and so you are left with the pain of the relationship's end and the damage that was caused to you. This is where mindfulness and radical acceptance come in.

You will not feel like this forever. You are recognizing your feelings and talking about them, and that is good. It is a step towards healing. I still have days where I feel very sad about my ex's condition and that our relationship just could not work, on any level. But, it is what it is. I acknowledge it and move forward, which has gotten easier the more I practice it.

Is there anything you can do to take care of yourself today? Something to nurture yourself?

Redeemed

[Astray]

She doesn't contact me, any contact we'e had in the last 6-7 months has been initiated by me. She's happy if she never hears from me again, she wants to pretend we never happened. She's so cold. I realise this is a trait of BPD and that makes it a bit easier to rationalise, but it hurts like hell.

Part of me wants to say to her, it's okay, I understand what's wrong with you now and I can help you get better. I want her to put herself in my hands again, to let me heal her. Of course I know I can't!

I will pick up my daughter from school soon, she keeps me busy and my mind off things, to some extent.

Many years ago I was a drug addict. I came off the drugs over 20 years ago. It was hell. This feels at least as bad as that.

[Astray]

I can't stand that she's back with the guy that I 'saved' her from over two years ago. The guy who at the time was the worst person in the world. Now they are together in their emotionless, passionless but safe little world and they both pretend that her year and a half with me never happened. He's insecure and desperate and will never challenge her.

[I Am Redeemed]

That is hard, Astray. You believed you were helping her, and she has now gone right back to the same situation. I understand what you mean about wanting to be able to tell her you know what is wrong, and that you can heal her, even as you know that isn't true. First, you wanted to rescue her from a bad situation, and now you feel as though you want to rescue her from herself.

I am a former addict as well. You are right, these relationships are akin to an addiction, and the withdrawal is just as excruciating.

Have you had a chance to look at the Lessons at the top of the Detaching Board? I know that you may not have felt it, but I think you will relate to the material. Especially helpful to me was reading the 10 Beliefs That Get You Stuck. I still refer to that list, and the article on How a Borderline Relationship Evolves.

I'm glad you will see your daughter today. My s3 certainly keeps me occupied.

[Astray]

She went back to him 6 months ago now; that was when my world came crashing down. So it's extra frustrating that I'm still not over her.

Yes, I've read those lessons and article several times today alone! I know all this, it makes sense to me but I can't tell my heart what to do, to quote an old song.