11 year old son showing symptoms like Mom

[Not my son too]

The hell of being married to a BPD ended for me 8 years ago.  My son was just with me the next couple of years.  Then when he started school, he would spend the school year with her in another state, but the summer and all of the breaks with me.  The Mom did a good job of making it seem that she had got help, but has hidden, until recently, years of abuse, physical but also emotional.  He is now 11 1/2 and when it all came out about 2 months ago, I was quickly able to get full physical and legal custody. He really loves to be with Dad, and refuses any contact from Mom (she quit trying after about a week).  Got him into a therapist ASAP.  But, after about 2 weeks of best behavior, he began showing lots of behavior problems.  Some of these I saw a few summers ago, but now worse than ever.  Self-hatred.  Massive mood swings.  Very controlling.  Breaking things.  He is super high IQ and athletic.  Defiant beyond imagination.  Been writing "kill me" on his school work and telling me in a couple mood swings that he wants to kill himself.  Anyway, it is all beginning to look quite familiar.  He clearly has some BPD tendencies, and it is difficult to say how much is genetic, and how much observed. 
Anyway, any help as to the direction I should be taking would be great.  It's already overtaking mine and my wifes life.  Am re-reading walking on eggshells, but not sure what else to do.  Are there youtube videos that coule help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Not My Son Too
I am glad to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. Your story is sadly familiar to me. My DS(now 24)xBPD acted the same way: destructiveness, talk of suicide, roller coaster emotions. The good news is there is help and things can get better. I am on my phone now so posting links is tricky. But if you look at the top of the page you will see a button that says "tools." If you click it it will take you to some helpful articles and videos about BPD. Is there something in particular you want to explore? Welcome!

[wendydarling]

Hi Not my son too

I join Faith welcoming you to the group, you've landed in the right place for support and to learn how to help your young sensitive son. You've been incredibly proactive, is the therapist a BPD specialist?

And at the top of son/daughter board you'll find this pinned thread for parents, there is a lot of great information, tools, skills and lessons. Take your time work at your  own speed.
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

I've learnt we have to meet our children where they are and this involves us changing our behaviour through what we learn here.

Echoing Faith, what's your biggest concern right now you are dealing with, or question perhaps we can start there and parents help you focus?

As you'll read self care is paramount, are you and your wife able to take regular time out, you say it's overtaking your lives, time to pull back, make some changes?

You are not alone, we are walking with you and look forward to getting to know you.  

WDx

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.   

I am sure it is upsetting and heartbreaking to see the same sort of behaviors in your son as you saw in your ex.  The good news is that you are getting him help and you can learn tools here that will help you help you and him.    

Sometimes, getting out of an abusive environment can cause some behaviors like you describe.  While in the abusive home, a lot of kids shut down and bottle things up and when they get in a safe environment, they will relax and all of that emotion and a lot of very poor coping skills can come out.  I am not sure if that is happening with your son but it is possible.  He is clearly asking for help and you are providing that for him. 

One of the most important things you can do for your son is to use validation, or, more importantly, make sure you Don't Invalidate.  Sometimes we think we are validating but the person who is highly sensitive or has poor coping skills can find what we say and do invalidating which in turn can cause more dysregulation.  See what you think of the article.  Many of us were surprised to see that what we thought were validating responses were actually invalidating.  None of this is intuitive.  people who have BPD or are highly sensitive process things differently but we can learn skills that can help us and them.

We do have a lot more articles and videos in our Library.  One that you might want to start with is: VIDEO | Adolescence or BPD: How to Tell the Difference ~ Alec L. Miller, PsyD

Please keep posting.  Establishing a support system with people in similar situations will help you as you navigate your way through this.  We get it and we can help.

Again,

[SkellyII]

The hell of being married to a BPD ended for me 8 years ago.  My son was just with me the next couple of years.  Then when he started school, he would spend the school year with her in another state, but the summer and all of the breaks with me.  The Mom did a good job of making it seem that she had got help, but has hidden, until recently, years of abuse, physical but also emotional.  He is now 11 1/2 and when it all came out about 2 months ago, I was quickly able to get full physical and legal custody. He really loves to be with Dad, and refuses any contact from Mom (she quit trying after about a week).  Got him into a therapist ASAP.  But, after about 2 weeks of best behavior, he began showing lots of behavior problems.  Some of these I saw a few summers ago, but now worse than ever.  Self-hatred.  Massive mood swings.  Very controlling.  Breaking things.  He is super high IQ and athletic.  Defiant beyond imagination.  Been writing "kill me" on his school work and telling me in a couple mood swings that he wants to kill himself.  Anyway, it is all beginning to look quite familiar.  He clearly has some BPD tendencies, and it is difficult to say how much is genetic, and how much observed. 

Hi, and welcome to the site!

There are so many parallels in your story and mine. I got sole legal and residential custody of my daughter a few years ago after her udBPD mother went on a multiple-day drinking binge and attempted suicide. She had put up a good front for years, but after she crashed, the real story came out. As with your son, when my daughter first came to live with me, she was an angel, but after a few months, that changed. Her original diagnosis was severe depression and severe anxiety, which under the circumstances, was expected. She was starting to exhibit similar behaviours as your son, so her therapist referred us to a center that specialized in BPD treatment.

She's been in BPD specific treatment for the last couple of years, i.e. weekly therapy, family DBT skills group, adolescent DBT skills group, etc, and it has made a difference. However, it has not been without occasional setbacks. It can be a particularly rough roller coaster ride.

There are a lot of good videos and articles on this site. Also, check out the suggested reading list.

Take care.