The inner critic

[Zabava]

I've been reading and thinking alot about the inner critic.  It makes me realize how the inner critic dominates my thinking.  For instance, if I wake up with a headache I search my memory for the things I did wrong to cause it...did I stay up too late?too much coffee,? Not enough exercise?  supressing or stressing? The idea that maybe it's just a headache is kind of revolutionary.

Something I've been realizing that as a child I was taught to ignore pain or discomfort bith physical and emotional.  As an adult I often conflate them.  One of the biggest changes for the better since starting to heal has been connecting my physical state to my emotions. 

When my current unravelling started I had intense physical sensations before I had concious flashbacks to childhood.  Just wondering if anyone else had this experience?

[JNChell]

Hi, Zabava. I struggle with my inner critic too. A habit that I’m getting into is talking  back to it. Thoughts?

[Zabava]

JNChell,

I had a strange feeling when I woke up this morning. For a few minutes  after I opened my eyes the inner critic was silent.☺  I can't remember the last time I didn't feel dread and anxiety upon waking.

It didn't last long but I feel like it's progress.

[JNChell]

  It is progress. That “inner critic” isn’t our voice. Although it didn’t last long, I’m sure it felt good to feel some relief. What broke the silence?

[Zabava]

Hi JNChell,

My husband broke the silence.  I feel diminished and shamed by his criticism and sarcasm.

[JNChell]

Okay. I’m asking this with watery eyes because I know how it feels to be in a relationship that was destined because of a PLEASE READty childhood.

This is a new aspect.

[JNChell]

You need a break from that.

[mutemonkey8]

One of the biggest changes for the better since starting to heal has been connecting my physical state to my emotions.  

Yes! I had a therapist almost 20 years ago who taught me how to translate physical sensations into the words for emotional states. It's still difficult sometimes because I have taught myself so well to ignore/deny those feelings (both physical and emotional). But it was a very important first step in my recovery.

When my current unravelling started I had intense physical sensations before I had concious flashbacks to childhood.  Just wondering if anyone else had this experience?

Just the other night, my wife said something (not with the intent of hurting me) that intensely triggered my family trauma. It manifested as sudden nausea and chest pain. It took some time before I was able to label it as "I felt rejected." My therapist has recommended a book called The Body Keeps Score several times to me...I'm told it's about the physical effects & manifestations of trauma. I haven't read it yet, though!

[JNChell]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139748

[Zabava]

8 out of 10 JNChell

[Zabava]

Mutemonkey8,

Thank you so much! I am glad I'm not the only one.  I have another book for you..."When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate.

[JNChell]

Your inner critic is likely dominating you. I don’t see a problem with that because your inner critic isn’t your voice. It’s someone else’s voice. Most likely one or both of your parents. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know. Since we’re in the deep of the matter, who’s voice do you think that inner critic really is?

[Zabava]

My mother was so angry and sad.  She is the voice of the inner critic.  My daughter is 18 and has been asking me why my mother and sister are so mean to me. 

[JNChell]

Ok. Let’s nail this down. Your mom is your inner critic.

I’m sorry that you’re having to feel this pain later on down the road. Just have faith that it can get better.

Zabava, what do you need right now?

That’s a lot. I’m sorry.

[JNChell]

Sorry for double posting, but my mom was my critic. My dad was a lazy and spoiled narcissist. My mom was relentless. Her insults, rages and beatings had horsepower. Gladly, that’s behind me now. Unfortunately, it had long term effects.

I have a 4 year old Son as a single dad, and I worry about the questions to come. I don’t know how to answer them right now, but maybe I will when he becomes curious. On our side of the situation, honesty is the most important thing. I think that wording things in particular ways plays a part in explaining our feelings.

Your mother and sister are mean to you. You love them and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that. This looks like a focal point. A center to be able to look all around you with 360 degrees of vision. In your life, what hurts, what helps and what is comfortable and set in place. You’re allowed to make these choices and observations for yourself.

Your mom and sister are mean to you because they’re projecting their I’ll feelings on to you. It’s been said here many times. The scapegoat is the strong one. It’s true.

Come up with a simple and truthful answer for your daughter. She’ll catch on.

[Zabava]

Thanks JNChell,

You're right my daughter is a smart cookie and she sees how dysfunctional the  dynamic is with my mum and sister.  I worry about her worrying about me  if that makes any sense.

As for my husband...I think I have allowed myself to be disrespected and bullied because I never learned to stand up for myself and never had a model of a healthy relationship

[Zabava]

Double posting too.  Your son is young and he will be fine because you are a strong and loving parent.  As the mum of kids 18, 16 and 13 my regret is that I often chose to please my BPD family members over my kids' needs.  I remember one awful Christmas after my Dad died.  I frantically cleaned my Mum's house for Christmas dinner while my mum ranted at me with my daughter on my chest in a snuggli.

[JNChell]

It’s perfectly normal for you to have concern over your child. We’re being parents, yeah. Being a parent has taught me what true love is. I love my boy.

Standing up for yourself and your values are vital.

[JNChell]

There was a lot of anxiety while your mum was is your in ear. Baby in tow, nonetheless. You’re a busy mum yourself with 3. I can only do what I do and hope that S4 turns out ok. Constantly worrying. I’m sure you understand.

I know that it may be hard, but can you describe that Christmas?

[Turkish]

My mother was so angry and sad.  She is the voice of the inner critic.  My daughter is 18 and has been asking me why my mother and sister are so mean to me. 

What do you want to tell her?  What do you think are the risks of being honest (to some degree)?

[Zabava]

Turkish,

I try to be as open as I can without burdening her.  In some ways she was the symptom bearer for problems in my family of origin (my husband's too).  She was experiencing intense anxiety about seeing them and she is aware of my sister's BPD traits.  Frankly all my kids know there's something wrong with her behaviour.

I'm in a dilemma right now because after 3 months nc my sister has called (no message,but she knows I can see her number).  My husband doesn't get it.  He says I should just call back because she's my sister.  He sees that her behaviour is irrational but doesn't understand how much it affects me.

So right now I'm feeling very panicky but feeling bad because it's mother's day weekend and I have to see my inlaws and be cheery for my kids...all I want to do  is curl up and hide to prepare for talking to my sister.  I think maybe mother's day is feeaking me out too since I've been remembering so much.

[Zabava]

JNChell,

That Christmas was surreal.  My father died two weeks before and the circumstances of his death were awful. He died of alcohol poisoning after many years of struggling with addiction.  I have yet to fully process any of it.  I arrived home with my mum (she had visiting me in my town 200 miles away) and my 6 month old for a happy Christmas.  It was my daughter and my nephew's first Christmas.  My dad loved his grandchildren.  We  walked into the house and found him already gone.

The hours following with paramedics, police and finally the coroner are a blur.  In the aftermath my sister was unable to cope and my mother was beyond distraught.  I only cried once when I called my husband and told him.  After that I had to buck up and deal (as everyone has to I know).  Why we did Christmas I don't know, but we did and I just remember trying to keep a lid on everything so my mum and sister wouldn't lose it.

[JNChell]

You really stepped up. The thing is, is that you need to feel and process the emotions that you described. You painted a perfect picture in your response. When and how can you process your feelings. You need to.

[Turkish]

Can you take control of this and tell your sis you'll call at x time after you've seen your in-laws?