Losing my mind

[greengrass]

Title says it all. Been with my wife for 13 years, married for 6. About 3 years ago while in marriage counseling just as my wife was refusing to go anymore the counselor said she may have BPD. She read off some of the characteristics and I looked into a bit more and a lot of the pieces fit.

Back then her mood swings where she would turn into this vile person, yelling at me, putting me down and blaming me for everything wrong in her life would last a day or two. As the years went on they lasted longer. I’ve been her punching bag for the better half of 6 months now and I can’t take it anymore. Everything little thing I do or don’t do is an issue. I could get into specifics but I think the character limit won’t allow it.

We’ve spoken about divorce. She actually pushed for it a few months ago and after trying to reason with her to work it out I caved. I gave up. When I told her I had an appointment with a attorney in the morning she asked me to cancel and I did. We agreed that we would go back to counseling. But she didn’t want to go together. She said she wanted me to go alone to fix myself and she would go alone and do the same. Then we would attend together. Needless to say I’m seeing someone and she is not.

Today seems like my last straw. My 3 year old has karate and while I thought she was going to take him, I would use the opportunity and take the 1 year old with me to hardware store so while they’re gone I can do stuff around the house while the little one naps. “You’re not going to your sons karate class?”... after failed attempts to explain my reasoning I said I’ll go. Too late though. She doesn’t want me to go. She then lays it on me that she wants to sleep at her parents tonight with the kids and stay there for the better part of tomorrow so I don’t “ruin” her day.

I just can’t take it anymore. I hate her. I take a lot of her crap, bite my lip and hold in a lot of what I’m feeling so I don’t set her off. But after so much of it I can’t hold it in anymore and I’ll have a mini meltdown. I’ll confront her about our relationship or like today, when I went to sit down on the bench to put my sons shoes on, I tossed her shoes off. Then she’ gives a me a look like I’m a psycho.

I’m not going to fight with her anymore today. She can take the kids to her parents and I’ll be absent tomorrow. There’s no use in trying to fix broken relationship by yourself.

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[GoodMan]

Your going though a lot. I’m sorry.

Our issues seem to be on the same plane.  My Gf of 9 years is possibly a pwBPD basically did the same thing.  We did a trial separation and got back together. Said we would go to therapy together and apart and now I’m the only one going.

I don’t have a ton of advice as we are currently going though a breakup crisis and I’m a bit lost myself.

One thing I can say is the therapy has been amazing for me. A lot of people here will tell you to work on yourself. I’m going to tell you the same.

Also. There’s a book called stop walking on eggshells that helps a bit with explanation and communication skills. There are articles here that can help as well.

I also recommend you post here a lot. I really helps you to look at the situation when it’s in black and white. It will also help you to realize your not alone.

Keep breathing.

[greengrass]

Thanks. I’ve actually been  listening to the audio book all week. On some level it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one out there going through this and theres some explanation to the behavior and that it’s not her fault. On the other hand, how much can one person take? It’s been a roller coaster for 12 years and absolutely horrific the last 6 months. How much can you tolerate when your BPD loved one refuses to acknowledge and seek someone out?

If it weren’t for the children I may have been gone already...

[Red5]

Hello,

Eleven years together, eight married here... second marriage for both of us...

I could have written your post!

Yes reading SWOE is a good start and stick with seeing the “T”.

There are other books, some are audio books on YouTube and are also discussed and presented here on this website.

You may want to read one I just finished, Title, - Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship  ...

Another clue, to perhaps gain understanding... what do you know of your wife’s earlier life... childhood... her family of origin (Foo)?

Sometimes BPD is generational... and understanding this can help us to deconstruct... and to better understand our significant others...

Learn all you can about borderline personality disorder... knowledge is very important and it helps us to cope.

I’ll share more books and links later, meanwhile look around this website... it is loaded with help and “tools” to help us get through the day to day... and to better cope.

Hang in there... kind regards... Red5

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.

Reaching out for peer support here is a great way to take care of yourself.  I'm glad you found us.

We have lots of people who will be able to relate to your situation and the emotions you describe.  We all work together to try to improve our situations.  That usually means learning about the disorder, learning about your own reactions to your wife and learning tools that will help you cope better and, in some cases, can turn your situation around.

When you are ready, a great place to start reading is in our Lessons section tacked to the top of the page.  here is a link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

In the meantime, read, post about your story and jump in and post to others.  We understand more than we realize and responding to others helps us organize our thoughts... plus it is always easier to see solutions and strategies for others! 

Again,