Decades-long BPD mother woes (I just didn't know it)

[LonelyButTrying]

I'm not sure where to begin. I've been writing my stories to others so many times in the past few months, owing to present circumstances, seeking support, that I'm not sure I want to go through all of that again right away. Bit by bit, I guess.

I should begin with my mother's history. Her mother ended up in an asylum, her father, a machinist was god knows where, and so three days after she was born, she was adopted by her grandparents, my great-grandparents. When she was 19, her father was at their house for whatever reason, watching TV with them. During Carson, he asked if anyone needed the TV up louder and that was it. He died right there, in that chair, and my mother was witness to it. He hadn't been present in her life, popping in and out, but it was still a great shock to her.

Fast-forward a few years and she had met my father, whose family I learned through later lore came from the same village in Kiev in the Ukraine as my mother's family. But my father's family was abusive toward him, his father and his brothers would be throwing knives at each other, and his brothers sometimes hung him out of the second-floor window.

My mother thought she could take care of him, get him away from that life. In fact, they had been introduced to each other and my mother dutifully went along. But this led to years of emotional abuse between them, which I sadly found out about when I was three years old. In essence, I've spent 32 years in an emotional war zone and only just found out that my mother likely has BPD. No diagnosis, but she matches so much, and she won't seek help for herself, not even counseling, arguing that it's my father who needs counseling, not her.

There are a few examples besides the screaming matches that scared the hell out of my five-years-younger sister and I. When I was 15, something I had done had set her off, maybe one of those times I was standing up for myself about something, and she threw me out of the house, and set about destroying my room, throwing things around, ripping books apart. When hell finally settled enough for the night, I was let back in and the next day, she was so profoundly apologetic, telling me that she hadn't fully realized what she was doing, as if she was in a fog, a veil over her eyes. She took me to Barnes & Noble in the following days to replace some of my books.

And there were many instances, younger than that (from about 9) when something about me set her off and she tried to suffocate me with a pillow, screaming, "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

My father's not blameless in any of this, as he fought bitterly with her as much as she has with him (which still goes on), and he also ran up frightening credit card debts (his family having addictive behaviors as well), and was always financially irresponsible. So that's a worry over the next few months, if we'll be able to stay in the same apartment complex for the second year in a row or have to move somewhere else again.

Fast-forward for now to the past few months. Two and a half years ago, my father was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. Last December, he ended up in the emergency room and then the hospital yet again, and it was determined, after the second hospital stay (after they screwed up by discharging him too early), that the cancer had become terminal and hospice was the next step. A time for family to rally round and support each other, right? Not mine.

My mother's still immensely bitter about my father not at all taking care of her, about what he did to her, and why should she be taking care of him now? Back in late March, for a few weeks, she tried to adopt my mindset that being 60 now, with who knows how many years left, should she really hold onto all this bitterness, even with what he did? The ultimate sentence has been passed down onto him, with a prognosis of six months.

So my sister and I are in the middle of this, she 30, me 35. I stayed after high school to be a caregiver to my mother, dutiful son that I was, because I didn't think I could trust my workaholic father to take care of her. I was right. One thing to add to that is that she was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in 1982, which can paralyze, but fortunately it never reached that far, although it did attack her nerves, to the point where her body can't regulate temperature properly.

It's gotten lonelier and lonelier over the past few weeks, as my father sleeps more and more (he's not in such a weakened state, but is depressed by having had to retire from his teaching career and not being able to drive like he used to), and my mother went on and on to my sister about how I have my books, I have what I love, but she doesn't have her zoos, which she loves. She has nothing. She feels empty. And on and on. I feel like she had no right to push that on my sister and I given all that she (and to some extent my father, but not as much) put us through all these years.

I've been witness to my mother's fear of abandonment, which has become even more prevalent in light of my father's condition, her emotional swings, unstable relationships (her and my father, the prime example), and so on. Everything fits except self-harm.

Suspicious thoughts? You bet. Everyone is suspicious in our apartment complex. Everyone has ulterior motives. She grew up in a multi-floor special needs home in White Plains, New York and talks to this day about how much she misses that kind of community and that she wishes she could have it again. She says over and over that wants to live where there are nice people, yet she won't give anyone a chance. We've moved so many times because of my father's work (first the phone company in South Florida and then teaching jobs being eliminated from state budgets), and that's been hard enough, but it's even harder every time they've fought as we've moved. And every day from her is a constant stream of negativity. I don't know what's going to be with my father in the coming months (hopefully longer), and I'm not happy with what he's done to tear apart this family either, but a situation like his deserves better. But there's no chance. Not from her. Not from that ongoing bitterness, which is understandable in parts, but there comes a time, you know?

My sister works part-time at L.A. Fitness in their Kids Club area, and is taking her prerequisite courses for nursing at Ventura College (we live in Ventura, California, after five years in Las Vegas, nine years in Santa Clarita (30 minutes north of Los Angeles), and all the years before that in various parts of Florida). I've been looking for work here in Ventura for the past year and a half because it's mainly networking, which took me quite a while to learn, especially with it being a smaller town. Every day is stressful to me because I want to land something so I can begin to offset this financial worry that my father's caused us, and also save more on my end so my sister and I can one day escape all this and find our own footing. What somewhat helps right now is that our father put his on his car insurance, and the lease for the Kia Soul doesn't expire until next year, so it would be a waste to let it sit, given that my mother hates to drive, and especially did when we had to go back and forth between the hospital at times the last two times my father was there, the times when we didn't take the bus. (On the plus side, my mother handed over her car keys to my sister, so we'll have more opportunity to practice, since there wasn't much chance in Vegas, especially during the summer. So at least we'll be able to bolster those skills.)

But I got angry today when she was going on and on about feeling empty, about if I was without my books, that's how it feels for her without zoos (which she loves), as it is for her right now. All that she put us through, all the screaming matches, all the arguing between them both, all that she did to me. Last year, my sister told me that when she was in school, she used to dread the weekends because they would be together, and looked forward to Mondays so she could get back to school and away from it. I agree. It was partly because my father didn't know what to do with himself without work (still doesn't), but also because how my mother would lay into him for this and that. The littlest thing could set her off and often did. And with all of this, it's been feeling even more lonely the past few weeks. I'm trying to find my place here in Ventura, in work. I've got so much to worry about as it is, including fighting for one of my father's pensions, which NVPERS refuses to give because my father was short a month in the Clark County School District, even though we left Nevada to seek far better medical attention for him here in Southern California. And his credit card debt, and everything else. So it's a divide between the two, but my mother's constant negativity is what has taken a great toll on me lately.

That's all I have for now. I'm working on my own strength to go on, but know even more nowadays how much it's good to know others, to have others in your life. When I was growing up, and when I was in high school, I never sought friends. I always thought to myself, "Why would I want to bring anyone else into this?" That's how bad it usually was. Now I realize how important it is, which is why I'm here.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  You are in a place where we get it and understand a lot of what you have experienced as we have gone or are going through similar. 

You mentioned you have written your story a lot recently.  I am glad you decided to try again!  What you describe sounds very difficult and lonely.  It also sounds like you are living with your parents?  Is that accurate?  I ask because I lived with my parents until my mid to late 30's and it was definitely a challenge to take care of myself while living in such a stressful and chaotic environment.

We have several tools here that can help you protect and strengthen yourself and can help to improve things when interacting with your mom.  I am not sure what to recommend right now though and do not want to overwhelm you with too many links.

But I got angry today when she was going on and on about feeling empty, about if I was without my books, that's how it feels for her without zoos (which she loves), as it is for her right now.

I would find this off putting as well.  It would feel like she could not even see me as separate.

How can we best support you here?

[LonelyButTrying]

Thank you, Harri.

When I was writing about my situation before, it was in the context of my father's cancer diagnosis, and so I was posting to cancer support group message boards and writing to cancer support organizations that pair you up with someone who has gone through something similar. This is the first time I've addressed my mother's apparent BPD, though, letting time pass after all that writing before I delved into it. I have been lurking, and that helped me get through some of the hard nights recently. So I knew it was time.

On top of all that, back in January, we had to have our aged (15 and 13), ailing dogs put down, and it was done on the night my father got home from the hospital the second time (he had been hospitalized once the year before, and there was one more time to come after this one because the hospital screwed up in discharging him too early). He was nowhere near our orbit, so someone had to stay with him, and I did, while my mother and my sister took them to the all-night vet. The final time I saw them was from outside the car window, and I had to turn around, stand tall again, and go back inside to take care of my father. No time to grieve. It's still painful.

I am still living with my parents, dutiful son from back then, and it's part of what my year-and-a-half job search has been about, seeking my own footing and being able to find the life that suits me, besides needing work like anyone does. When I was growing up, and well throughout my 20s, I kept to myself because I thought, "Why would I want to bring anyone else into this?" Within the last year, I've been gradually opening myself up, seeing the value in knowing others.

Recommend as much as you'd like, Harri. Not only am I open to it all, but it would be a welcome distraction from the concentrated sorrow and worry that hangs heavily on this household.

Yeah, it was off-putting to me because she doesn't see (and probably never will) that I'm not responsible for her unhappiness. I'm me. I'm here. I'm trying to fashion my own life finally. She made me so fearful when I was growing up. So many times my sister and I had to emotionally fend for ourselves during those fights and after, too. No comfort. No assurance not to worry.

I believe the support begins best by you and others being here like this. Like I said, I've been lurking before this and the sheer strength in here gives me hope.

But one thing does come right to mind, Harri: Living with your parents until your mid- to late-30s, how did you weather those constant storms? What did you do on a day-to-day basis, say?

[Harri]

   I am sorry you lost your fur family.  That is so painful.

It is great you are finally putting you on the list of priorities!  I am even more glad you came out of lurker mode!  Reading is good... participating by posting your own stuff and jumping into other threads is better!  It helps me get out of my head, my own troubles and I find when I am composing a response it helps me organize what I know and see how I can apply certain things to my own situation.

Within the last year, I've been gradually opening myself up, seeing the value in knowing others.

Good!  This is something I still struggle with.  What changed for you that you realized isolating yourself was not good?

She made me so fearful when I was growing up. So many times my sister and I had to emotionally fend for ourselves during those fights and after, too. No comfort. No assurance not to worry.

Yes.  My mom instilled fears in me that I am still trying to untangle (I'm 53).  It was always about her and her worry and upset almost never seeing me or my brother or when she did, it was so over the top it was equally crippling.

Are you able to go to therapy?  Just curious.  We have so many articles from which to choose!   How about Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle ?  Another one I really like is Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind as it can help you with some coping strategies.  And of course, the topic pinned at the top of the board Survivor to Thriver Program (along with the link to the manual)

See what you think and we can talk more about them.   

[LonelyButTrying]

Thanks. As it turns out, sadly, they might have been the only things holding our family together, because the fights got much worse afterward.

That's what I've been feeling after my first post, and I thank you for that, as well as so many here whose threads I've read that have given me some measure of hope, increased now by fully being here.

It's twofold: With how many times my family and I have moved (16 for me, more for my mother and father, 14 I think for my sister), we've basically been nomads, and so I haven't really known anyone at length, my ugly home life notwithstanding. I don't know what home should feel like, or what it's like to connect to a place, but after the past two and a half years, which have possibly been the worst of my life, I found that I wanted to try. Also, I'm a writer (former film critic, current book reviewer, once-published author looking for twice and more), and so to open myself up to people, to get to know them more means more stories for me. Not to write, mind you. I have an extensive Word file full of ideas, including a short story collection about aliens living in Las Vegas, and those take up enough of my time with my paralysis over what to write next. I live for stories, different perspectives, lives lived parallel to mine. For example, I had a nervous and emotional breakdown in May 2010 that lasted throughout that entire summer (partly due to my mother complaining every single day about how much she hated living in Santa Clarita, every day for those nine years, from 2003-2012, but exacerbated also by a constant diet of Extreme Moose Tracks chocolate ice cream from Ralphs supermarket and Dr. Pepper, the latter of which meant little sleep. I was immensely fat that year), and given the opportunity, I wonder what others were doing in May 2010, days perhaps better than mine were. One of my favorite categories on Jeopardy! is "Contemporaries," which is basically lives described on parallel tracks on the same day in the same year, sometimes in different countries.

Besides all that, given what I've been living through, I've found greater comfort in the outside world. It should be home first, but that never happened to me. Plus, by isolating myself, the stress is even greater and taxing on my system. In my mid-20s, my hair started going gray (at 35, it's grayer now). On my father's side, the men are known to go gray early, but not this early! It's all the stress! I'm cautious, of course. I'm not going to dive headlong into the lives of the first people I see. I want to know them gradually. But I don't want to stand to the side anymore.

Exactly! She never asked how my sister and I were doing, if we were ok, still doesn't, and it doesn't surprise me or disappoint me. There was one night in 2012, the night after we moved to Las Vegas that she threw my father out of the house. We were completely new to the area, we knew no one, and she did this. I was frightened. If he didn't come back, or if she didn't allow him to come back, how the hell were we going to pay rent? And just like now, we only had one car between the four of us, and he had it! How were we supposed to get anywhere? (However, today, my mother handed over her set of keys to my sister, since she hates driving, so at least we have that outlet now, too.) He was back the next day, a cool truce, but I remember sitting on the bed in their room that night, emotionally scooped out and numb.

I can't go to therapy right now. I want to, and I think the Gold Coast Health Plan, which I have, covers it, but landing a job is still my first priority. (I've gone to so many tests for jobs that I even have favorite ones, and so many interviews that I've at least gotten better at them, and have pinpointed what I want to say that I believe wholeheartedly in for my working life.)

Thank you for the links. They all sound promising, and I'll start reading them later.

[LonelyButTrying]

Hi Harri. I've been reading the articles, and Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind has become the most prevalent in my life lately, even before reading the article.

Yesterday was a first. My mother was going on last night, obviously worried that my cancer-stricken father hasn't been eating much lately (he's never been one to eat a whole lot anyway in all these years), and that the hospice nurses who tell him to just eat what he can are just putting ideas in his head, never mind the pain that he has experienced the past two weeks.

A few months ago, I would have exploded, argued with her. But that came on the same day that I set about eating better, taking better care of myself in order to try to weather all this, despite the low-level panic I feel every day. So after she said that to my sister, I got up and walked out of the room, as if I was done using the computer, which is in the master bedroom, where we were. I didn't say anything to her. I let it go.

I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes to calm down and make tea for myself. It's going to be a process for sure, but that first step was so important.

[Harri]

Hi!  Sorry I did not get back to you earlier. 

Wanting to reach  out to others and get more involved is great.  I know i said that before but I think it bears repeating.  ;)

So, with your living arrangement you basically have very limited privacy?  But with a view!  haha, that part made me smile.  I love books too.  Okay, so that can change after you find a job.  In the meantime, with the weather getting better, will you be able to get out of the house and maybe go to a coffee house or park just to be around people?

Mindfulness is great and I am glad you were already using it.  I have found it to be very helpful over the years in terms of helping me deal with strong emotions and my anxiety.

I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes to calm down and make tea for myself. It's going to be a process for sure, but that first step was so important.

Excellent first step!  One of the things I found that helped me to depersonalize and regulate my own emotions was to learn about the behaviors that pwBPD engage in especially when stressed. 

BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation.  Stress will bring out some of their worst coping skills.  For example, your mom yelling is probably her way of handling her fear around your fathers illness and not about how much he is eating or what the nurses say.   If you can, you might want to try to see the emotion underlying the behavior as a way to depersonalize.  You could even try to validate that for her.  I know that is asking a lot right now but keep it in mind.  As you work more on you and learn more, there are tools you can use to improve your situation.  I think in your situation, living with your mom and being around her most of the day with limited respite, the tools are going to be very important for making things better for you. 

A lot of times people think the tools are about helping the pwBPD and they can be, but for us here on PSI, it is about making our situations better.

When you are ready, check out the Library section of the site.  You will find even more reading material.

Keep reading and posting! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi LonelybutTrying,

I am so very glad and excited that you are sharing with us!  When you have a parent with BPD, oh my! How hard life is! My mom was also an uBPD. You are starting the healing process at 35 much earlier than I did, so you have youth in your favor to help you, at least that's my humble opinion.   I was in my late 40's when the nightmares and depression started getting so bad that I couldn't pull myself out of it, no matter how busy I kept myself.

I know that Harri shared the link to our library. Hooray!   I love books, and they have been so helpful to me. I'd like to share 2 of my favorites with you: Surviving a Borderline Parent (this was the first book I read about BPD) and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (my current book to read).  Both are very good and very enlightening.

Please keep sharing, no matter what you wish to tell us. We are good listeners here, and we certainly do get it. You will find a lot of caring hearts here. 

Wools

[LonelyButTrying]

The day before Mother's Day. My sister and I just got back from Walmart for a few things, and also looked at Mother's Day cards again, where I learned that there's no such thing as mild sentiment in Mother's Day cards, as I had hoped to find. Reading all the love in those cards, I wondered where I could find those mothers. My sister bought one for my father to sign, and she'll make ours.

In Walmart, my sister and I were also discussing my mother's latest emotional breakdown today over my father's condition, her inability to handle it. I told her that in hindsight, when a fight between them had ended, I wished I had known enough to prepare for the next one, to know completely that there was going to be a next one. I always had a sense of the tension in my household, but after one fight ended, when I was much younger, I was just so excited that it was over and I could live for a while. Really live. My sister said it was late in middle school, on the way to high school, that she adopted the mindset that after a fight was over, she wondered when the next one would be. That kind of thinking gives one time to add more to the emotional armor, to polish it and strengthen it so that one is ready for the next living hell to come.

Then I got something today completely unexpected. Now, I know that my mother will not see us emotionally. Sadly, it's never happened and it never will happen. But before, there was never warning.

After we got home, to explain her latest crying jag (I've been through hundreds of those and many times years ago I've felt guilty, but no more. I've always had to emotionally fend for myself, and it's what I do to this day, with exceptions, such as this board), my mother said that the hospice chaplain who visits us at least one a month said to her on Thursday that she has to be a rock. She then said to me that she doesn't want to be a rock. Someone else was always her rock, be it being raised by her grandparents (even though she admits that her fear of abandonment may stem from never really knowing her parents) or being married to my father. I told her that she could try being a rock for herself. If not herself, then who?

She doesn't want to. As she put it, she doesn't want to be someone she's not. To me, it was an underlying warning that she probably didn't even know she was giving: She's going to fall apart. It's going to happen. And unlike when we fall apart at times, she's not going to pick up the pieces. Nor will I attempt to do it. I've been through so much hell in my life that I have to look after myself. I have to find my life. I have to find myself.

I said to my father, who's formally retiring at the end of the current school year, that he should look for online teaching work again, a way to get himself out of the line of fire as well, to occupy himself with something meaningful to him, for as long as he lasts. She's only going to get worse. Even worse than all these years? Possibly.

I've been working on myself, too. I've gotten tired of feeling as badly as I have been, so I spent the day yesterday re-writing my entire resume, making it stand out more with my skills, my strength, my hope for my work. And I feel good about it. I hope it will help me gain more traction, but I know that when I do apply for more jobs, I won't feel that deep-down shame about my resume that I discovered I probably did this past year and a half. I'm also eating better, too, which helps. Cut out breads, usual sugary desserts, put in more vegetables, better proteins and foods with more dietary fiber and I have more energy, more with which to cope more with all of this. Because I guess, at least until I can financially start on my own path, I'll be facing more of her falling-apart mindset every day. I've got to protect myself.

[LonelyButTrying]

Something to add: She was also going on about other things I have that I can focus on, such as trying to land a job, my books, my writing. As she put it, she has nothing. She's miserable. I've been despondent over the past year and a half when either I applied for a job and never heard back, or I interviewed for a job I really wanted and didn't get it. I looked inward, decided I was tired of feeling like that all the time, and I began making changes, first with my diet and then my resume. I feel more confident now. I even changed my outlook.

Like yesterday. I interviewed for an Office Assistant IV position in the Ventura County government, for their career center in Oxnard. I can't take it if offered, not right now, because I don't drive as readily yet, though I am practicing (not much reason to in Las Vegas, particularly during the summer, so I'm getting back up to speed. Plus there's only one car between us right now).

During the interview, they were asking me about how I give presentations, how I would manage people below me, as that's part of what this position involves. I've never given presentations. I've never managed people below me, not in person anyway, but when I was an interim editor at The Signal newspaper in Santa Clarita, I talked with freelance columnists over the phone about their columns for my section. When I heard their questions, and was valiantly trying to answer them in a way that would please them, in my head, I was thinking, "Why me? I've never done any of that before! I don't think I can!"

But then I thought about it later in the day. The County government, though it still has not hired me, has enough confidence in me to not only invite me to this interview, but in my experience enough to ask me these questions. Perhaps they think I could learn it if I was hired.

Well, having lived in this war-torn household all this time, there's little room for self-confidence over daily survival. So I realized that that's been ingrained in me. And it's time for me to begin to pull it out, seeing that my work has been valuable to my experience and that someone will notice. My gut dropped a little when I heard those questions, but now I know why. And I'll work on it.

My mother being miserable, well, I think that's what has given me some clarity. I can still work to save myself. I can be my own rock.

[Harri]

I am so glad you are taking steps to improve your health and that you are working on your resume!  That is excellent and I am sure will pay off in the long run.

I think what your mom said about her not wanting to be a rock is very interesting and probably very true.  pwBPD have a strong fear of abandonment and being faced with your dad's terminal illness has to be triggering a lot of her fear and insecurity.   Those fears are very real for her.  Chances are, she does not have the emotional intelligence to be a rock for anyone, not even herself.  I am not saying this to get you to take care of her or feel bad for her but to give you some perspective.  Having appropriate expectations of your mom will go a long way in helping you cope and deal with the frustration and sorrow I am almost sure you are experiencing. 

She can't function like we do.

I can still work to save myself. I can be my own rock.

Absolutely!  We'll be cheering you on! 

[LonelyButTrying]

Today was the first day, post-resume rewrite, that I didn't dread having to look for jobs. I'm proud of what my resume has become, and in thinking more deeply about my experience, I'm amazed at how much I did that I had forgotten! For example, I sorted mail, too, when I was a newspaper intern in high school, which means I can tie that into my desire for office work.

At first, I was floored not only by the ahead-of-time warning she gave, but also that frank admission. Now, I'm using it as a guide in my life, to build myself up further, also for my sister's sake.