Blended Family, BPD Husband, Concerned For Kids

[LedfootJ]

I’m new here.  First post.  I am married to a BPD and this is a second marriage for both of us.  I was initially confused by his lack of ability to bond and parent meaningfully to his 3 kids.  Now that I’ve been in a relationship with him for 7 years, my focus damage control and is on my own 2 children.  
They hear us argue and are entering the early teen years.  When the pendulum swings for him, it’s big and wide and all over the map.  
I would like some tips on how to 1- dial down the “bigness” of his emotions and vocalizations during a conflict so they don’t hear so much and 2- ways to help him stop the finger pointing (“you’re threatening me, aren’t you? Why are you looking at me that way?) to something more constructive, like an actual back and forth dialogue where we seek to understand the problem, the issue and potential solutions together.
It’s like living with another teenager and I’m so tired and concerned for my real kids... .I’m not sure where to start.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi LedfootJ and welcome!   I can fully relate to the fear of how BPD behavior can impact children, who are completely innocent.

Do your children (and his) have any knowledge of BPD? Your husband's behavior and volume will be hard for you to control, but perhaps you can can at least gain some control the kids' understanding of the situation and provide them context.

And while we can't control other people's reactions, there are techniques to make communication with someone with BPD smoother. Have you read about SET and JADE? They are communication tools and you can read the skills workshops here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0  

~ROE

[Panda39]

Hi LedfootJ,

  Glad you decided to jump in and post.

I know that you are focusing on your husband's behaviors here (RolandOfOld has directed you to some great tools). I wanted to share with you that we also have a co-parenting board that you might find helpful in terms of situations with the kids.  You will find Parents both married and divorced, step-parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents all trying to be of help and support to the children in our lives.

Link to the Coparenting Board... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Below is a link from the site on raising resilient kids when a parent has BPD/BPD Traits... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I encourage you to keep posting and keep reading there is a wealth of information, tools and support here.  I know the folks on this board can really support you in terms of negotiating the situations you encounter with your husband... .Everyone is there or has been there.

Hang in there,  
Panda39

[Catlady3.14]

I am New here and so I don't have any advice. I'm reading through posts and tools to come to terms with my own issues.
But I just wanted to say hello and let you know you're not alone.
 

[LedfootJ]

Thank you everyone for your reply’s, support and the links to other resources.  I’ve been reading through SET and DEARMAN quite a bit.  I guess after reading through them and several others posts a few things are surfacing for me...
1-I’m a classic non, in that my automatic reaction to problem solve inaccuracies is to explain with facts.  I’m seeing that pw’s can’t see beyond their own feelings ( facts for them ) and therefore this technique is an exercise in futility.
2-I’m feeling sad by this revelation and early acceptance.  I really wanted a grown up person who responds vs. reacts to real life conflict and after 8 years in this second marriage... clearly that isn’t going to happen for me.
3-I also feel silly. Having been through post divorce counseling extensively I thought I’d “have eyes to see” some of this.  I guess I’m wired the way I am too...
4- I feel concerned at realizing that although I can utilize these tools ( esp. SET ) I cannot control his volume, gas lighting, name calling ,accusations and tantrums.  The kids will continue to be exposed to that if he himself doesn’t do the work.
5-off to the parenting board I go... I’m disappointed in myself somehow... can’t really find the words, but am glad to be here with you all.  Thank you.

[Panda39]

Hi Ledfoot,

Don't beat yourself up, sometimes we just don't know what we don't know.  We can even know and still miss it.  After being here for several years due to my Partner's uBPDxw I had a new boss that I started having trouble with.  Even knowing what I know, it took me about a year and a half to recognize the narcissist I was working for.

There are tools that can help as you are discovering, knowing what your dealing with can help, self care can help, and having support can help.

Hang in there, 
Panda39