Hello, In 6 months I have lost 2 siblings to suicide

[josly]

Hello. I am reaching out from New Zealand. I have had 40 years with a BPD mother and have only discovered the term in the last few weeks. In 6 months I have lost 2 siblings to suicide, my younger brother at the end of 2018 and my older sister just 3 weeks ago. My sister's death has caused a rather large rift between my mother and myself, and my brother's death had the same effect with my still-living sister and my mother, so not only has she lost 2 children physically, she has alienated herself from 2 still here. I am not very good at reaching out to others, but I would like to hear how others cope with parents with BPD, and do you just know, or is there a diagnosis? I know my mother has had psychiatric care in the past, but she has been very private with that and has not shared if there was a diagnosis or not, or what it may be. My sister and I are aware that there is some issue at play, and episodes have been more frequent in recent years, making it hard to relate to her. We both have anxiety attacks if we know we have to see her!

[Harri]

Hi Josly and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry to hear about your brother and sister.  Suicide is devastating.  How are you coping?  How can we help you? 

My sister's death has caused a rather large rift between my mother and myself, and my brother's death had the same effect with my still-living sister and my mother, so not only has she lost 2 children physically, she has alienated herself from 2 still here.

Is it more than grief that caused the rift between you and your mom? What is the history there?

I am not very good at reaching out to others, but I would like to hear how others cope with parents with BPD, and do you just know, or is there a diagnosis?

I think a lot of us have difficult reaching out for help.  I know I do.  Coping with a parent with BPD is a challenge for sure and we all do things a bit differently.  It really depends on the issues we are dealing with, where we are in the healing process, our personal values, etc.  We do work together and allow each other space to explore what is right for their own situation.

Some of the family members talked about here are diagnosed with BPD but a lot there is not diagnosis.  Just a guess or sometimes a suggestion made by our own therapist (T). 

My sister and I are aware that there is some issue at play, and episodes have been more frequent in recent years, making it hard to relate to her. We both have anxiety attacks if we know we have to see her!

    We have a lot of articles and tools here that can help in just about all relationships, not just with pwBPD (people with BPD) so in that sense the label does not matter.  Also, a lot of the behaviors seen in BPD are seen in other disorders or even exist in a person but at subclinical levels.

All that to say I think you are in the right place and I hope you settle in, read, and join us as we support each other.

[HappyChappy]

I am not very good at reaching out to others...We both have anxiety attacks if we know we have to see her!

Hi Josly,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It must be very difficult for you right now. Not reaching out and anxiety, are A typical of children brought up by a BPD parent. I know my BPD and NPD had very odd behaviour which folk on here seemed to recognise instantly. My friends would say its weird, on here they would say "me too" and explain the science behind the behaviour. In other words feel free to say whatever you need too on here. Folk here tend to be very supportive and none judgemental.

You tend to get more feedback if you talk about specifics, like the reasons behind why you and your sister have fallen out. But a BPD parent will always look to set her children against each other, divide and conquer. They are exceptionally good at doing that, and its done on purpose. One method of doing this is triangulation. Were one child is all good, the other all bad and the third maybe ignored.

On a lighter note, Flight of the Concord, a comedy band form New Zealand, have helped me deal with all this (laughter is the best medicine), they are without doubt the best in the world at what they do. Welcome to the forum. I'll look out for your replies. 

[zachira]

My heart hurts when I hear how you are hurting having two siblings who committed suicide in the past six months and a mother with BPD. You say you would like to hear from others with a mother with BPD. I have a mother and my only two living siblings with BPD and NPD. I would say that the secrecy around the mental illness and being in a family where feelings are mismanaged are the most destructive forces. I am still learning about how to stay present in the moment managing my feelings while accepting that I cannot control the behaviors of my family members with mental illness. Can you tell us more about what you are doing for self care and what kind of relationship you anticipate having with your mother and sister going forward? Do let us know how we can be the most helpful. We are here to support you and listen. Keep us posted on how  you are doing. You can post as often as you like, and there is no limit on the length of posts.

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your siblings,  josly, that's a huge and painful loss to deal with and I'm sure there was a painful history there,  too.

My sister's death has caused a rather large rift between my mother and myself

What went on which resulted in this rift in your time of grief?