Diminished Response to Push Pull Intimacy

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been in a relationship with an uBPDw for about 10 months.  I have gone through about 3 significant push / pull cycles.  From the first at 2 months, which was "why don't you move in with me", to "we're just friends now", to "why don't we help each other find new partners".  Then sucking me back in, me capitulating, then two more cycles.  At this point we're just friends again.

I find myself putting up a wall now (just like they do) and not allowing myself to feel as much during either the pushing or pulling.  Plus now I don't know if I could ever trust a pull again.  I  think the relationship may just fade away because I don't trust anymore.

So it is not just that people (like me) leave because we are pushed away, it's that we get desensitized to the push and pull, and nothing is left.  We get pushed away by diminishing trust and interest.  Less willing to endure the pain.

Any comments are appreciated.

[Upandown]

I have been in a relationship with an uBPDw for about 10 months.  I have gone through about 3 significant push / pull cycles.  From the first at 2 months, which was "why don't you move in with me", to "we're just friends now", to "why don't we help each other find new partners".  Then sucking me back in, me capitulating, then two more cycles.  At this point we're just friends again.

I find myself putting up a wall now (just like they do) and not allowing myself to feel as much during either the pushing or pulling.  Plus now I don't know if I could ever trust a pull again.  I  think the relationship may just fade away because I don't trust anymore.

So it is not just that people (like me) leave because we are pushed away, it's that we get desensitized to the push and pull, and nothing is left.  We get pushed away by diminishing trust and interest.  Less willing to endure the pain.

Any comments are appreciated.

[Cat Familiar]

So you're aware of the dynamic that is occurring. You don't think you'd be drawn back in again. Where does that leave you in the meantime?

[formflier]

  Plus now I don't know if I could ever trust a pull again.  

What is it that you trusted in the past or are not sure you can trust in the future?

Perhaps more importantly, can you describe how your trust was betrayed?

Iv'e got quite a bit of experience calming down push/pull in my relationship.  First step is understanding the trust...

Best,

FF

[Upandown]

Some of the time she has great insight and volunteers information.  After the first love bombing /  pull me in, and subsequent distancing; she said "they were just emotions of the moment".  She also has talked about having a wall up to protect herself from intimacy.  I assume to protect herself from the disingenuous love offers of others.  It is ironic that she (and others with BPD traits) have a wall up to protect themselves from the very behavior that they then do to others.   

So my trust was betrayed by discovering her feelings and statements can be very temporary.  Professions of love normally have some element of "promise" in them.   That the love will continue to exist for a significant amount of time.  So if she tells me again in the future that she loves me (more than a friend), I don't know if I can trust that it will be more than very transitory.  It's sort of like the shake hands "joke".  Someone extends their hand to you to clasp, and then when you reach out they take it away.  The pain is not from their withdrawing their extension, it is from your trust to reach and clasp back; giving your heart and yourself.  And then having it not received but rejected.

Cat Familiar - I don't know if I would be drawn back in again.  If I started to permit myself to do so, it would be with much apprehension.  In the meantime, I feel like I am treading water.  Don't know if I am resolving anything and losing energy to stay in the relationship.  Some on the boards have talked about having BPD traits induced in them.  I agree.  But we do it because of their factual behavior and they have their fears and responses due to their imagined view of us based on their history.  So I think she will take her love away because she has done it; and she thinks I may take mine away because that's the way she thinks.

[formflier]

I don't know if I can trust that it will be more than very transitory.  

Have you been able to ask her about this in the past?

If she said this in the future, do you believe you would ask about this then?

FF

[Upandown]

I have asked but direct back and forth communication is difficult on this topic and any topic that makes them uncomfortable or they want to avoid.  Maybe that is why some mild depression and despair set in even before the relationship is over.  One starts to feel that communication is impossible on some topics.  

It seems that it should be so easy to do but it's not.  "I misunderstood, she's a woman, emotions of the moment, she had a little too much to drink and said some things, why am I putting pressure on her, etc".

[formflier]

  makes them uncomfortable or they want to avoid.  


  One starts to feel that communication is impossible on some topics.  

 

So...keep in mind that "making them comfortable" isn't your focus.

If you feel communication is impossible about this, then when communication is made possible, perhaps that is your signal you can "trust" the "pull" signal.

FF