Does your BPD spouse/ex imagine things? Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194298.30

Hello Formflier,

 I do have a better understanding of JADE.  I spent most of my 6 years in marriage not knowing I was doing it and mostly coming up empty.  My banana was "people pleasing".  I have found out how co-dependent I really was, and so I have had to look in the mirror a lot and less focus on my (in the closet) BPD wife.  JADE will help a lot when the rubber meets the road in the thick of conflict.  

I think we are a highly dysregulated couple (separated), more than a high conflict couple.  I think what has been the most difficult is her method of inner pain management with an "overdrive endless" distortion campaign meant to keep me in my place (the separation dungeon now) and under control and her the victim.   We would argue for 3-5 hours at a time.  I was soo in the dark about mental & emotional disorders.  If I had only known about BPD, S.E.T, JADE, D.E.A.R.M.A.N., Splitting, Gas Lighting, CPTSD, Co-dependence or anything like that.  Wow, that would have made a major difference in my life & marriage.  I have read so many books now, and have joined a local support group, and I am happy to be here reading & writing posts to continue my education and get emotional support.

Thanks for listening.

[Levi Love]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194298.30

Hello Formflier,

 I do have a better understanding of JADE.  I spent most of my 6 years in marriage not knowing I was doing it and mostly coming up empty.  My banana was "people pleasing".  I have found out how co-dependent I really was, and so I have had to look in the mirror a lot and less focus on my (in the closet) BPD wife.  JADE will help a lot when the rubber meets the road in the thick of conflict.  

I think we are a highly dysregulated couple (separated), more than a high conflict couple.  I think what has been the most difficult is her method of inner pain management with an "overdrive endless" distortion campaign meant to keep me in my place (the separation dungeon now) and under control and her the victim.   We would argue for 3-5 hours at a time.  I was soo in the dark about mental & emotional disorders.  If I had only known about BPD, S.E.T, JADE, D.E.A.R.M.A.N., Splitting, Gas Lighting, CPTSD, Co-dependence or anything like that.  Wow, that would have made a major difference in my life & marriage.  I have read so many books now, and have joined a local support group, and I am happy to be here reading & writing posts to continue my education and get emotional support.

Thanks for listening.

[Red5]

*I do have a better understanding of JADE.  I spent most of my 6 years in marriage not knowing I was doing it and mostly coming up empty. 

*We would argue for 3-5 hours at a time.  I was soo in the dark about mental & emotional disorders. 

*If I had only known about BPD, S.E.T, JADE, D.E.A.R.M.A.N., Splitting, Gas Lighting, CPTSD, Co-dependence or anything like that.  Wow, that would have made a major difference in my life & marriage.

Me2!… oh' yes, Me2!

… if nothing else, this whole ordeal of a relationship & second marriage, has been an education… perhaps worth many thousands of dollars in college tuition in some degree program (smh)… I've had two therapist tell me in the last year, "you could teach a class, you're teaching me just by my listening to you"… wow ; (

… yeah, that hit me like a Mack dump truck when I heard that...

Red5

[formflier]

I think we are a highly dysregulated couple (separated), more than a high conflict couple.

What is the difference in these two couples? 

How does that matter to you?

FF

[Perdita]

Paranoia used to be central to my relationship.  Usually my wife would find a "kernel" of truth and then run with it.

Mine does this as well.  It is something they seem to use in particular when it comes to smear campaigns against us.  Just that tiny bit of truth that gets twisted into something else and it's shocking how many people end up believing them.

[Perdita]

Some of what I have been reading in the replies actually sounds like flat out gaslighting to me. 

Atcrossroads, mine also tells me that I am mentally unstable.  He made me so angry a few weeks ago that I reminded him that despite my own hardships in life I have never gone around trying to make people around me (known and strangers) feel like crap when I am down which is something he does constantly.   I asked him "who goes around everyday complaining about how terrible life is, who has been medication hopping for years refusing therapy and who indulges in all sorts of illegal drugs, who is the one constantly lying to everyone about even the stupidest things?"  Not me.  These things started long before I ever came onto the scene.  I won't be made out to be insane anymore.  I'm fed up.

Atcrossroad and Cal644, my SO also has that butcher knife fear!  I swear I have lost count of the amount of times I have picked up a knife while in the kitchen only for him to act as if I am going to stab him.  Those are the times that I know he has been spreading bs lies about me again.  He believes and then acts out on that nonsense.  I can't even wear black gloves without him accusing me of planning to kill him.  Insane.  Just insane.

[I Am Redeemed]

Even in NC, I still find out that stbx uBPDh has wild imaginings.

The latest: I got a call from my MIL today (we still communicate, and have a great relationship) and she said that stbx has told her that he found out that I have recently had another child, which I have managed to keep a secret from almost everyone.

He has decided that this secret pregnancy was the reason I went NC seven months ago, and confirms his suspicions that I was seeing someone else (I wasn't, and still am not, involved with anyone.)

I don't know where he got this idea. I don't have social media, and I do not have contact with anyone who has contact with him, with the exception of MIL. I don't see any way that anyone could have passed on misinformation to him, even. My ex-roommate just had a baby, but no one that knows her has contact with him, so I don't think it's even possible that he heard about her baby and thought it was somehow really mine. I have no idea.

In unrelated paranoia news, he also is planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to "set (name of our area in this state) straight"; meaning he believes that he can somehow expose the "corruption" of our area to officials in the capital. That should be interesting, should he actually attempt it 

Redeemed

[formflier]

Welcome to the secret child club!

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Welcome to the secret child club!

FF

A seventh child at the age of 41...I think I would have to go to inpatient treatment myself over that one...

[chillamom]

Secret child club member as well!  Apparently I had his baby at the age of 55 and gave it to a former student (who was a recovering addict) to raise.  Quite interesting how he never "noticed" the pregnancy, and also at 55….um, a little unlikely.  He also thought I had hired a "hit man" and was trying to have him killed.  Oh, and of course every time I was 5 minutes late because I had dared to stop for gas on the way home I was having a quick sexual liaison with whomever might be present.  Glad to be done with that madness.

[Levi Love]

What is the difference in these two couples?  

How does that matter to you?

FF

I think the difference maker between these two couples can be the identification of a root problem (like Emotional Dysregulation) and at least one of the pair use JADE or S.E.T. to start the process de-escalation with validation.  

It matters because high conflict couples build layers of bitterness over time which is what happened to me.