Help Ithink I messed things up

[Carguy]

So a week ago my now ex BPD told me she was going to start seeing another man in another city. She told me she still loved and cared about me and cried a little and all that. I told her I would still care about her and be her friend and someone to talk to if she ever needed to.

 My counselor said that if I back off and just messaged her once in a while to check on her and make sure she's doing okay that she would likely come back into my life.

Tonight I messaged her just to see if she is doing okay and we started talking a little and then I was confused about one statement as was she so I asked if I could call her. I shouldn't have done that because then we started talking and talking about feelings and I told her that I still loved and cared about her and would be there for her if she needed and all of that.

She started to tell me that it was bringing up feelings for me to her and that it was wrong because she was trying to see somebody else. I kept telling her that I don't see it being wrong to still have feelings and care about somebody that you spent three and a half years with in a very close relationship. We almost got married.

She disagreed and we kept talking and I told her that I wasn't trying to lure her back or anything but was just trying to reassure her that I did care about her. I told her that even if it didn't work out between her and this guy or me and somebody else and we were both available I don't think I could jump into a relationship with her right now because my heart was still really broke like it had been ran through a blender.

She seemed to get a little more upset and said we need to quit talking about that so I said okay and start talking about other things. She just said that this is just like our relationship that we don't either one have boundaries and that I crossed hers and she doesn't know if she crossed mine.

 It just went bad from there. Towards the end she decided it was best that we just not be friends and not talk anymore and I ask her about the kittens she asked me to save. I asked if I should just get rid of them if we're not going to even be in contact anymore. It makes sense and she agreed but was crying and I told her if she wants me to keep the kittens I can and then she told me she was moving to the city this guy lives in to buy a house. I know she can't afford a house so I would assume that she would be moving in with him which surprised me being they just barely started this relationship. I asked her if she had a time frame for the kitten has she said no. I told her I wish her the best of luck then and we got off the phone.

Help! What should I do at this point? Do I just back her off and not communicate with her anymore and if she comes back she comes back and if not I screwed up for good?

Do you think that there's any chance she might come back?

 I feel I screwed up big and regret letting it go this far but maybe she's right, maybe we need to set boundaries and maybe I need better boundaries and not let it go to this length. I really don't know what to do right now.

My head is spinning with all this new information and what happened!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Carguy, these conversations with our exes can be so devastating, I'm sorry. I see that you're hurting. How are you doing today, with a little bit more distance?

Help! What should I do at this point? Do I just back her off and not communicate with her anymore and if she comes back she comes back and if not I screwed up for good?
Do you think that there's any chance she might come back?

I do not think you 'messed it up for good'. People with BPD (pwBPD)are all individuals, and there is no sure way of knowing if she'll try to initiate something again or not. What we do know is the often relationships with pwBPD often goes through several cycles of getting back together and breaking up again. It might happen, it might not. I don't think calling her tonight will have any long term effects. It made her want to stop contact for now, though. From her point of view, I can see why, but it is sad for you, I get it. 

[Carguy]

I'm struggling. It was a rough night of sleep and I got very little. My heart aches my mind is confused and my stomach is tied in knots.

 I feel like by telling her that I don't think I could get back into a relationship with her cuz my heart was broke that I shamed her and completely pushed her out.

 One of the things she said was about being put on the back burner. At first I think she was talkin about her putting me on the back burner but then she reversed it or something and said that it felt like I was putting her on the back burner and keeping her there in case it didn't work out with this guy that she would come back to me. I kept telling her I wasn't trying to lure her back.

Part of her was likely right because in my mind I was just trying to Express my feelings for her and reassure her I'm still here but my heart to be honest hopes that she does come back.

 I do see the reason why she wants to stop all contact. It really is hard. It's hard on both of us and I don't want it to be hard on both of us but I don't want to lose her completely out of my life in the same turn.

 I don't know if I should just have no contact anymore and hope that someday she comes back into my life. I don't want to lose complete contact because I told her for a long time now I wouldn't walk away and abandoned her even if it didn't work out between us I would still be there. Part of me I guess is afraid that if I go completely no contact that she will continue to mask those feelings until she basically forgets completely about me and is gone forever even as a friend. The other part of me is afraid to have contact and make things worse. Then another part of me is worried about going no contact for a while and then conversating with her will go bad too. She always would get more upset the longer we wouldn't talk about something but in this situation talking about anything right now I think would be disastrous.

I'm just really confused and hurting and not sure which direction to go.

[Carguy]

Also with the recycling of the relationship it has been recycled several times over the last year and a half.

I have read things that said borderlines recycle relationships and the cycles continue until it comes to the point that they permanently devalue. Is that what is happening here? Is that why she's trying to stuff her feelings for me down? To me I think she feels shame for having any feelings for me because she is trying to start a relationship with this other guy.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I have read things that said borderlines recycle relationships and the cycles continue until it comes to the point that they permanently devalue. Is that what is happening here? Is that why she's trying to stuff her feelings for me down? To me I think she feels shame for having any feelings for me because she is trying to start a relationship with this other guy.

I'm sorry Carguy, I wish I could give you a clear answer, but I can't. No one can, really. Break-ups are messy and feelings are flying high. When the dust is settles, things may look different. For now, all you can do really is sit with your grief and be kind to yourself. I'll sit with you.

[Carguy]

Thank you Scarlett.

I told her yesterday that this is the hardest relationship  break up I've ever been through and it really has been! I told her it was kind of hard to move on because my heart still wanted her. I told her I will always be thankful that she came into my life and it didn't go at all the way I wanted. I told her I really wish the past was different and things were different between us and she agreed and wished that too. I told her she was a big part of my life and I'll always cherish all the good memories and I am so glad that I got to get to know her again on a deeper level (we dated back in 2005 for a few months then had off and on contact until 3 1/2 years ago).

All these things I was saying I know we're stirring her feelings for me so I know she still has feelings there which touches my heart. I just really wish things were different with us. She is still hurt by our past.

When we were together for the first while we really thought we were meant to be and that there were signs. She told me again last night like she has echoed the last while that she isn't sure that we were meant to be. I told her I really didn't know myself and that maybe the signs were just that we were supposed to be in each other's lives for a moment and learn. Maybe it meant we just weren't supposed to be right now but maybe in the future. Or maybe the signs were completely wrong. I don't know.

From what I can see she still loves me and cares about me and has feelings for me but she is full of Doubt About Us ever working. She kept telling me that last night that it just would never work between us.

I am still hopeful that even with last night and her doubts for us that maybe with time and healing those doubts will subside and she'll come back into my life.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I hear you 

[Carguy]

I text her this morning and this is what I said:

I want to reach out this morning and apologize for last night. I also wanted to tell you that if you guys want to come see your kittens that is fine. I will not talk about the past or feeling and if you want I will leave you completely alone while you guys see your kittens. If you ever decide you want to be friends with me please let me know. I also want to let you know I am still here as a friend if you need anything.




I think I just have to leave it at that and not bother her anymore.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think I just have to leave it at that and not bother her anymore.

I agree, that sounds like a good and healthy choice.
What can you do to take care of yourself right now?

[Carguy]

Things that help me is to try to stop putting her and the relationship on a pedestal and realize the problems that truly were there. I keep looking back at all the good times and it makes me miss her so much but I have to also realize the bad times and how I was made to feel.

She will always hold a special place in my heart and if she comes back into my life I'll have to play that by ear depending on the time in a situation.

Other things that are helping are working in my yard and on my car restoration project as soon as I can get my shop cleared out and get it in there. Right now my new project is to put some edging along the back of my lawn and at the back Edge I'm going to build a chin-up bar and a small work out area and get back on my P90x and exercise. That help me feel better in the past too.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yeah, that's the trick. Remember that the good times came with some bad times as well. I know how hard it can be.

I figured you like to work on cars from you name! If you can get to doing some activities, that's great. And keep reading and writing here. Even though this relationship has ended, there are valuable skills thought on the board here that are really for all kinds of relationships.

[Carguy]

Yeah total gear head. I do auto body and paint for a living and I love working on cars.

It's very hard but I don't see anything else I could do at this moment. Thinking over our conversation last night and knowing that there are still feelings inside of her like that (enough that she feels guilty of feeling that when she's trying to start a relationship with another guy) lead me to believe that if it doesn't work out with this guy that I might hear from her again.

I have read a lot of things saying BPD people can shut off their feelings during a breakup and just have no feelings at all but I don't believe that to be the case with her. It seems that she does have deep feelings for me still so who knows?

If she ever does come back into my life though I think the things will definitely have to be different. There will have to be better boundaries and maybe talk to my counselor about if this happens where to go from there.

Other than that, all is I can do right now is continue on with my life and do things that help fight the overwhelming feeling of depression and loss. It sucks and it's hard and the reason why I don't get into many relationships but it's where it's at and it's what I have to do.

Thanks Scarlett! I will continue reading on this site and learning and posting. If things change or there's more updates about her and I then I will post them and maybe learn better techniques.