The house is sold, now what do I do? part 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336823.0

Thank you all warmly for reading my posts and supporting me. Baglady, you are spot on regarding dialing back in terms of rental. It’s my exact thought process. If it doesn’t have my name on it, it isn’t mine. Ff, thank you for asking me the right questions, I’m looking deeper into myself instead of trying to shield away from the fear. Wendy, I do need both, lawyer and the T, I also need to take a minute to think of how to structure those without uBPDh knowing.

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336823.0

Thank you all warmly for reading my posts and supporting me. Baglady, you are spot on regarding dialing back in terms of rental. It’s my exact thought process. If it doesn’t have my name on it, it isn’t mine. Ff, thank you for asking me the right questions, I’m looking deeper into myself instead of trying to shield away from the fear. Wendy, I do need both, lawyer and the T, I also need to take a minute to think of how to structure those without uBPDh knowing.

[formflier]

  She hasn’t touched me, but as you know recently starting having emotional outbursts

So...how did you and your Mom reconcile the past?  How does her treatment of her grandchildren compare to how she treated you?

FF

[formflier]

I need to challenge the notion that  rental isn't "yours".

If you have a lease and abide by the terms of that lease...it's "yours" for the period of the lease.

Many people erroneously think that if they have a house...even a paid for house...it's "theirs" and they can do as they please...it can never be "taken" from them.

Many (most) places have real estate taxes.  Especially for larger and nicer homes that you are talking about, those taxes can often be more than local average rental rates. 

If you don't pay your taxes...your home can be taken and sold.  There is "imminent domain" and many places have codes that have to be followed for property upkeep (which costs money) and if you don't do that...yep..you guessed it.  Legal action and you home may be taken.

My point here is NOT to bash home ownership.  Or to promote rental.  My purpose is to give a clear view of the "safety" involved for each.

The real safety comes from being able to pay the ongoing expenses of whatever type of home you are living in. 

Snowglobe

You have a chance to make a choice to remove you husbands and your mothers control over your life (and anyone else that would like to control you)

You DO NOT have a choice to "make" those people happy...or to "make" those people like you...or anything else.

They have choices..just like you have choices. 

What questions do you have about what I just posted?  Does it ring true?

FF

[snowglobe]

So...how did you and your Mom reconcile the past?  How does her treatment of her grandchildren compare to how she treated you?

FF

After my uBPDh took me in so to say, she made some attempts at trespassing on me verbally, early on. It was stopped in a very direct manner by my uBPDh. She is afraid of him and is somewhat dependent on being in his good graces. Thus, she doesn’t cross him, especially when it came to my kids. They are two pieces of the same puzzle. When he gets out of hand with the kids she interjects and vice versa. With children she bears no responsibility, only provides care, which she was being paid for. It’s completely opposite of the treatment of me. She never hurt them physically.

[snowglobe]

I need to challenge the notion that  rental isn't "yours".

If you have a lease and abide by the terms of that lease...it's "yours" for the period of the lease.

Many people erroneously think that if they have a house...even a paid for house...it's "theirs" and they can do as they please...it can never be "taken" from them.

Many (most) places have real estate taxes.  Especially for larger and nicer homes that you are talking about, those taxes can often be more than local average rental rates. 

If you don't pay your taxes...your home can be taken and sold.  There is "imminent domain" and many places have codes that have to be followed for property upkeep (which costs money) and if you don't do that...yep..you guessed it.  Legal action and you home may be taken.

My point here is NOT to bash home ownership.  Or to promote rental.  My purpose is to give a clear view of the "safety" involved for each.

The real safety comes from being able to pay the ongoing expenses of whatever type of home you are living in. 

Snowglobe

You have a chance to make a choice to remove you husbands and your mothers control over your life (and anyone else that would like to control you)

You DO NOT have a choice to "make" those people happy...or to "make" those people like you...or anything else.

They have choices..just like you have choices. 

What questions do you have about what I just posted?  Does it ring true?

FF

Ff, thank you for the post. Indeed, the property taxes for the houses uBPDh is looking at are astonishing... I need to think on the rental conditions some more.
How do I remove their hold from my life is a broader and deeper question I mull over. He won’t let go of the Teddy, and neither will she. Should I walk, they will both loose. UBPDh would love his punching bag and mommy dearest will loose the hen with the golden eggs. When I couldn’t sleep, I realized that they have done this before- teaming up to make my life as uncomfortable as possible to make me conform in their interests. I’m fairly certain that my mother won’t be acting in my interest and neither will uBPDh...

[Notwendy]

I hope you can try to not buy into the distorted thinking. The hen with the golden eggs also lays turds ( pardon the language) and your raison d'etre isn't to be a punching bag.

Mommy dearest is an adult, and can manage on her own. You aren't responsible for her.

I know this is hard, and I hope you can get some legal assistance with your options.

[formflier]

Sometimes..."what if" questions are appropriate.  It allows you to dream some...

What if you..and you alone had control over whether or not you and children got the care YOU believe they need?  This can be doctors..therapists...counselors...
..

What if your life was such that you didn't have to worry about threats from your hubby or from your mom?  Oh sure..they could threaten...but they couldn't carry them out.  They couldn't leave you "penniless" or unable to (fill in the blank)

What if you were able to raise children in a home where they were not threatened..belittled etc etc at the dinner table?

What if you were able to live in a home where YOU decided who was a healthy influence and YOU decided who would stay for dinner...who you had to fix dinner for...etc etc

What would life be like if you didn't have to worry about these things?

How does that life sound?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Sometimes..."what if" questions are appropriate.  It allows you to dream some...

What if you..and you alone had control over whether or not you and children got the care YOU believe they need?  This can be doctors..therapists...counselors...
..

What if your life was such that you didn't have to worry about threats from your hubby or from your mom?  Oh sure..they could threaten...but they couldn't carry them out.  They couldn't leave you "penniless" or unable to (fill in the blank)

What if you were able to raise children in a home where they were not threatened..belittled etc etc at the dinner table?

What if you were able to live in a home where YOU decided who was a healthy influence and YOU decided who would stay for dinner...who you had to fix dinner for...etc etc

What would life be like if you didn't have to worry about these things?

How does that life sound?

Best,

FF

It would sound like a dream come true...

[formflier]

It would sound like a dream come true...

Do you have the power to make that dream come true...right now?

If not right now..when? 

FF

[snowglobe]

Do you have the power to make that dream come true...right now?

If not right now..when? 

FF

Ff, on a world where someone has to be home when my s11 with special needs comes home I don’t know if I can leave. How will I support them financially and still be home with them. UBPDh isn’t agreeable as it is, I anticipate full blown out animosity should I announce my departure. I need to carefully think of a plan where I get the support I need to make it work with my son. D15 finishes school at the same time, so she can’t be there at his dismissal. An after school program, perhaps?. But who would pay for it? So many questions for now. Feels like a busy beehive

[formflier]

 But who would pay for it?  

Paying for it is where your hubby has exercised control.

Do you have a chance soon to have money to make your own financial choices?

Do the laws in your country require parents to support their children or do the laws allow a parent to "withhold support" unless they are "agreeable"?

FF

[formflier]

What does your special needs child do during the day?

FF