How can I keep myself from going back?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Every time the abuse happens, I tell myself this is the last time. The last time he will ever have the chance to physically or emotionally abuse me. Especially In front of our daughter. I tell myself over and over that I have to stop her exposure to this before it's too late (she is 13 months) with irreversible emotional damage. I am sickened by myself as a mother that I keep letting this happen. With one separation, I reached out to a DV counselor asking for help to keep me from going back. She wasn't too helpful. HOW.. HOW can I keep from forgiving him and going back? Why won't it stick? I know what needs to be done. I know this is awful and that me and my daughter shouldn't be exposed to this. I need tips, tools on how to follow through. I struggle with the loneliness, lust, missing the good qualities of him, his promises to change and get help, his sobs and bawling how much he misses our daughter, and how all he wants is to be a good father, the guilt, obligation, fear of what will happen to him. Feels as though I am all he has and I honestly do not know what kind of life he will have without me. I own the house(we are not married), took care of everything for him, I have our child, he cannot manage finances or responsibilities, I attempted to stop caretaking- refused to file his taxes this year so it just never got done, all his bills became past due when I stopped, his health insurance got de-activated when I stopped paying the premiums. Despite I fore-warned him and gave him ALL the info he needed to stay on top on everything. He is completely incapable and cannot handle the stress. He does need a caretaker! Overwhelming guilt that I am stripping him of a home, being with his daughter, and having a companion. There is also guilt that I chose to start a family with him that I should just stick it out and that I knew what I was getting myself into and to just deal with it. That part doesn't seem fair- that I knew who he was and what I was dealing with when I chose him and chose to have his child- and then boom! wait! nope! sorry I changed my mind.. bye! It feels wrong. I just want him to stop the abuse and our daughter to have a happy healthy childhood.

[Empath12]

Every time the abuse happens, I tell myself this is the last time. The last time he will ever have the chance to physically or emotionally abuse me. Especially In front of our daughter. I tell myself over and over that I have to stop her exposure to this before it's too late (she is 13 months) with irreversible emotional damage. I am sickened by myself as a mother that I keep letting this happen. With one separation, I reached out to a DV counselor asking for help to keep me from going back. She wasn't too helpful. HOW.. HOW can I keep from forgiving him and going back? Why won't it stick? I know what needs to be done. I know this is awful and that me and my daughter shouldn't be exposed to this. I need tips, tools on how to follow through. I struggle with the loneliness, lust, missing the good qualities of him, his promises to change and get help, his sobs and bawling how much he misses our daughter, and how all he wants is to be a good father, the guilt, obligation, fear of what will happen to him. Feels as though I am all he has and I honestly do not know what kind of life he will have without me. I own the house(we are not married), took care of everything for him, I have our child, he cannot manage finances or responsibilities, I attempted to stop caretaking- refused to file his taxes this year so it just never got done, all his bills became past due when I stopped, his health insurance got de-activated when I stopped paying the premiums. Despite I fore-warned him and gave him ALL the info he needed to stay on top on everything. He is completely incapable and cannot handle the stress. He does need a caretaker! Overwhelming guilt that I am stripping him of a home, being with his daughter, and having a companion. There is also guilt that I chose to start a family with him that I should just stick it out and that I knew what I was getting myself into and to just deal with it. That part doesn't seem fair- that I knew who he was and what I was dealing with when I chose him and chose to have his child- and then boom! wait! nope! sorry I changed my mind.. bye! It feels wrong. I just want him to stop the abuse and our daughter to have a happy healthy childhood.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Empath12,

i moved your post here. posting on the Bettering board does not mean youre not committed to ending the relationship. we can walk you through that and help with the support youre looking for. Detaching is for members that are out of the relationship for at least a month and far into the stages of grief.

i have read some of your previous posts. am i correct that right now you have a no contact order against him, and he is recently out of jail?

when is the last time that you spoke, and under what circumstances?

[Empath12]

Yes, the no contact order is in place by the courts and has been for nearly 9 months since the incident. He did move out at that time and hasnt been.living here since. But we have not been obeying the order. I say we because I have been just a much of factor as him when it comes to wanting to see eachother. It has always been unclear if the no contact Includes our daughter. It took months for him to get sentencing which included 90 days jail and 2.5 years probation which includes no contact and LOTS of other requirements in his end. Drug testing weekly mens group, etc. I was "done" after this incident happened, nearly filing for extra restraint for our daughter. Somehow we ended up involbed again. The intimidation and anger slowly crept.back.up. he went to jail and i was looking forward to time away. His 90 days turned to 6 weeks for good behavior. Before he got released I.told myself my rule..he needs 6 months of successful probation and treatment and meds before I consider going back. And one slip.up and u are done(ive told.myself this several.times). After the 6 months you will.ask.for.judge to.lift the no contact. Well, hes been out.for not even 5 weeks and has already started the behavior again. I ended it. He apologized. I.came out of work today with gifts from him at my car. He texted me and told him I was done w the fighting and.making up scenario. His response " im.not trying to make up , kust wanted to do something to brighten your day and tell.you hiw great a mother you are". I told him thank you. And that's that. I don't want to live like this. I also cant bear the thought of not being with him. Why is it not enough for me to leave even though he acts out on front.of our daughter. I should be able to completely cut.off contact solely because if that. I am so scared the heartbreak he will suffer. I am scared what will.happen to him and that I'm abandoning him.

[truthbeknown]

several.times).  I am so scared the heartbreak he will suffer. I am scared what will.happen to him and that I'm abandoning him.

I am learning for myself that there is negative projections which usually/typically the pwBPD display. But we non's can too at times.  But there is also positive projections.  Positive projections are when we project our wounded inner childs onto our partners.  For example, for me I realized that I was wounded through trauma in childhood and so I'm a champion of others.  I pride myself on giving others a chance because when you are abused you feel like you never were given a real chance.  I have trauma bonded with my partners in that way- seeing how they were wounded was like seeing my own inner child and by being understanding and loving to them in some projection form it's like getting the love I didn't get from my abusers.   So it's a reversal pattern from the pwBPD and I think that is why it's a match in my opinion.

Since your tag line is empath I think I can relate because I am very empathetic towards others who have been wounded.  However, in relationships the trauma bonding only seems to work in the beginning and then after they hurt us I think they feel so much shame in it that they can't bear it and that's when the blame shifting and bad projections come out and get put on us.  They see the mirror of the hurt they created and can't bear it because now they have become quite possibly like someone who abused them (even perceptually) as a child. 


So I have told people for years that i'm not afraid of abandonment; i'm afraid to abandon.  I think somehow i took the opposite side of what typical BPD's do?   I never want/wanted to be like my abusers so i guess i developed a high tolerance to bad behavior so i don't have to abandon anyone.

something i am still working on but i thought maybe it would help you to know you are not alone?

[I Am Redeemed]

Empath 12

I totally understand. I was in the same position as you, and I was stuck feeling guilty and with the thoughts that I was abandoning my h and worried about what would happen. I just wanted the abuse to stop, and for my kids to have a healthy childhood with both their parents.

The thing is, it takes a considerable amount of intense treatment addressing core issues in order for physically abusive people to change their behavior. Abuse is separate from both mental illness and substance abuse disorders, so if either of those things are also present, they will have to be treated as well. There's no blanket treatment that will cover all of those issues, and treating any or all would be a long process fully dependent upon the person's willingness and capacity to be honest about behaviors and issues, and committed to change.

Sadly, this rarely happens. I encourage you to read the book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me realize the magnitude of the situation and the truth about the prospect for change.

What I had to do was turn the compassion and empathy for him onto myself and my children. That took years, I was really stuck with my determination to help him. I lost custody of my five oldest kids as a result of my inability to let the relationship go. They were taken from me because I failed to protect them from exposure to domestic violence. I have my own thoughts about the validity of that, but I won't get on the soapbox.

The bottom line is that you will have to choose whether or not you will protect yourself and your daughter, or allow your empathy for this man to keep putting you at risk. I say that with compassion for you, because I have been there, and it is not an easy thing to do when you still love and care for someone who hurts you.

I will come back and post some links for you.  

Redeemed