I finally went to a solicitor today feeling so ambivalent.

[Oxo]

Today I finally went to a solicitor and agreed divorce is the only way forward. After being together 38 years. I feel so sad , alone and frightened yet a sense that I have finally made a decision. I really did not want this but I have had stop pretending that I can change the way my wife views me now as an absolute monster.

[Beneck]

Hey there, welcome! 

All of that sounds hurtful and difficult to deal with. You've been with this person for 38 years, so divorce constitutes a difficult decision regardless of the bad stuff.

my wife views me now as an absolute monster.

Can you elaborate a bit on what exactly you mean by that?

[Oxo]

My wife always hated my mother with a venom it was always absolute. 3 years ago she died  just as I retired and the uncontrolled rages started in me often over small things they settled down to an uneasy peace and I just complied out of guilt . 2 years ago my wife got a diagnosis of cancer which is now in remission but the accusations of neglect , abandoning became a daily occurance. No matter what I did it would just shift onto something else. The rages would last sometimes all day and for 3 years walked on eggshells. She accused me of being bizarre, mentally ill and needing treatment
Yes I became depressed but appropriate to the situation. If on the occasional times I lost my temper after hours that is what gets focused on not the hours of rage , accusations and abuse I took.she has called the police on me and threatens to do that all the time. I lost sense of who I was. We live separately now although it kills me as all I want was to live our life's together support her and be there for her but the more I tried the worse the accusations got. When we did something that was nice it usually was followed by another meltdown which took us back to her accusing  me of being uncaring  , abusive monster. She is threatening to "protect our family and friends from me" .the worse part is she is so believable , and charming with others. I really have tried and so wanted my wife to be in my life and for me to be in hers regardless of what happened .

[Lucky Jim]

She is threatening to "protect our family and friends from me" .the worse part is she is so believable , and charming with others. I really have tried and so wanted my wife to be in my life and for me to be in hers regardless of what happened .

Hey Oxo, Right, those w/BPD can be quite charming and extremely convincing.  Yet an old friend once pointed out to me that " people are not dumb" when my BPDxW was disparaging me to anyone who would listen to her in our small town.  What I'm trying to say is, not everyone will buy into her ranting and raving, so I wouldn't take her threats too seriously.  Suggest you rise above the fray and decline to engage in the drama.

I took my marriage vows seriously, too, yet everyone has his/her limit.  I reached mine after 15 years and it sounds like you reached yours.

LuckyJim

[Enabler]

Oxo, super sorry to hear of your sadness... I'm neutral on the divorce front. Not to add more confusion to the mix, but I hope this is a conclusion you came to on your own and not one that the lawyer helped you come to... that's a bit like asking your local drug dealer if you should start doing Heroine. 

Another question I might ask myself is... Am I doing this because I want this, or am I doing this because she want this?... what I'm saying is, are you rescuing your wife from a choice that she has made?

Being proactive in a divorce is an excellent thing to do, especially doing YOUR homework behind the scenes documenting things and preparing ideas for potential routes and outcomes. Planning what you want and managing your expectations are certainly wise things to do. However, and I might be speaking about my own situation, there is one thing planning and there is another pre-packaging a divorce for your wife, bending over backwards and handing it to her expecting her to thank you for it. If being proactive is optimal for you then good, protect assets and protect YOUR outcomes... YOU MATTER.

Regarding the friends, Lucky Jim is right, people do see, and they are far far far far more likely to 'see' if you minimise your participation in the drama. It's none of their business really. Trying to explain BPD to people is going to be challenging and most people aren't in a place where they can fully understand the mindset and frankly it's like believing in unicorns.

Enabler

[Oxo]

I initially went to a solicitor in December when she changed the locks to the house. I guess I held off because I just couldn't do it and just denied it and to be honest believed the brainwashing that Whatever happened was my fault. Today the level of hatred and her accusations are far more fixed. I know Ive been gaslighted and struggle to not take it on .The distortion campaign is hurting and the threats to "protect family and friends" from me . As you know Enabler she phoned the police on me in the night and threatens me now with the same. I don't want to do it but realistically can't see any other way and strongly suspect she is going down the legal route probably to get a restraining order as her texts are becoming increasingly about her saftey .

[Enabler]

Have you contacted the police to head off these accusations and preempt a move on her part to make further false accusations? Odd example but what if you were tagged and she claimed you’d attacked her in the middle of the night? The tag would show you in your own home and therefore prove without any doubt you were at home all night. Just a thought. I’m sure the police have ways to see through these kinds of false accusations.

Body camera when entering her home?

I don’t know

[Oxo]

Hi yes I went to the police , supprisingly they did not dismiss me which I expected.
Basically they said not to worry about the police turning up - had they assessed that I had done something wrong I would have known and if it's malicious then they could charge but would need proof. Getting proof is the hard bit because it would be her word against mine and who will they side with ? After all she is a vulnerable women with health problems . But does not really change the situation. I hate it , but by keeping me at bay she is able to say to others that I have abandoned her whilst she is ill. I'm useful to be kept away because it generates more sympathy from others to become involved with her . No one seems to really want to hear a more complicated version of what's happening. Talking to both the solicitor and my GP they both suggested I gain help from domestic abuse charities. That really shocked me - but yes it is abuse I have suffered and that is something I need to accept if I'm to stop it ,

[Enabler]

Did they advise you of how to mitigate further false allegations? e.g. could she call the police and say "Oxo came to my house and threatened to stab me again", all the while you're sitting at home watching Game of Thrones? Is that what you were suggesting about further false allegations?

Do you want this divorce or are you just resided to it happening?

Has your wife actively pursued a divorce?

It's wise to think about the likely emotional and practical outcomes of each of your moves. I'm sorry, but this is a game of chess now.

What do you think her reaction (narrative) might be to you petitioning for divorce?

Enabler
 

[Oxo]

False aqusations -the other day she came to the house just as the postman delivered the post she grabbed it (expecting some important mail)  and when I tried to get it back she opened the front door screaming down the street I was attacking her.
I think she is so far polarised that we are past any forgive as much as I want to . Realistically I just don't think I would feel safe - do I want divorce absolutely not love her to bits but I have to realise I loved the old wife even though the signs were there I guess I accommodated them . It is high stakes but I need to set a boundary of limits because I don't guess any day I'm going to receive an ingunction - no doubt about that.with all the fabrication , and distortions.

[Oxo]

Enabler , I think her reaction will be to further play the victim , further embroil friends and family and initaly  be very distressed and very quickly find someone else to be her partner. 

[Oxo]

I am heartbroken . The hardest thing is to stop myself loving her - stop trying to "try". I guess I have realised just how codependant I am and how my natural reaction is to put up with everything, agree with all the vilification and hate and adapt to whatever she changed in our lives  , just not to loose her and all we have built up together.

[Enabler]

Oxo,

I'm going to attempt to summarise where I think we are at the moment:

- You love your wife
- You don't think it's healthy to love someone who has treated you so badly and see yourself as heavily codependent.
- She is painting herself as the victim at every opportunity, crying wolf and making false accusations whenever she feels like she is not getting her own way.
- She is recruiting friends and family in her scheming to buy into her delusion that you are a bad man who is treating her badly. She is trying to triangulate people to rescue her from you, the perpetrator. You feel victimised.
- As a consequence you feel that the only option you have is to proactively seek a divorce.
- Your preference is for reconciliation but have no idea where or how that would happen given what she has done
- She has made no proactive steps to petition for divorce
- She has forced you out of you primary residence after a large fight where the police were called but no charges were pressed.
- You're attending a CODA meeting
- You've recently gone back to work having previously retired in an attempt to increase income.

My question, if you don't want a divorce, why are you pursuing one at this juncture?

from what I know about pwBPD they will naturally adopt the victim position. Despite your W having threatened repeatedly that she wanted a D if you were to initiate one she would adopt the victim position and blame you for the disintegration of the marriage. This would likely play out in a number of ways such as an aggressive high conflict stance during the divorce process. Ultimately you will be punished for doing something you don't sound like you want to do anyway. If she truly wants a D she will inevitably get one and move past procrastination, threats and slander... until that point, all this blather is just that... noise. If you want a D then continue on your current path... if you don't, why would you do that?

I understand that you see no way out of this current situation, and maybe there isn't a way of reconnecting with your W, maybe D is the right path... BUT... maybe there is. There's a lot of heat in the situation at the moment. Heat and emotion is not good for reconnecting and it's also not good for a divorce process unless you like paying lawyers fees. What are your main points of conflict with her at the moment? Do you communicate daily for example? We need to find ways that you can starve the fire that burns in her... and you for that matter... get everyone to a state of total zen.

Enabler

[Oxo]

Yes you have summarised it well .the decision to get a job was not monetary related but about getting some place where I was in a healthy environment and have some boundaries around that.
But yes I will read and reread this summary today.
Guess the fantasy I have is that she will see that I have limits and will move back to a centre ground and want to work together    I realise that's probably a fantasy.and nieve wishful thinking. But we are 3 years down the line and  my situation is getting more precarious .In the meantime I am effectively camping in a house that is not helping my mental health. I just can't see any other solution - I've had pages of texts today about how mentally ill and out if control I am and how I need treatment.

[Enabler]

Have you responded to any of those texts... and what are your thoughts about what she says?

Could you share some of them with us. It could be insightful.

I don't think it's a fantasy OXO, I think up till recently you have been walking in the dark unclear how you might be inadvertently making things worse and adding fuel to the fire. I'm not promising  bpdfamily is the answer, but it's a start and will take time to build up your armour (to protect your heart)... empathy, psychological helmet (to protect your sanity)... education, shield & sword to defend yourself... communication tools and protocol.

I said to another member today, you're at your low point, all avenues look better and exciting from here.

Enabler

[Oxo]

These are from today - I get so many some asking for practical help I say yes then in an instant it is rejected .



Please answer the urgent matter about the knife attack and how I am ever going to feel safe again and calm and comfortable being alone with you whilst I am ill  or in need of a loving person to support now I have needs
Continuing to ignore this
Continuing to try and control others whilst your out of control chaotic is not the answer
I am free between 5 and 6 to read your texts and let you practically what help you can give or not your decision but I will not be in a car you driving me anywhere where you can then hurt me with your " trying to control and demands "
Read my messages good luck with getting well and please stop hurting me
And family and friends my GP  stop manipulating them ,sabotaging  things so I don't receive the live and support I need whilst battling Iill  health
I won't go back to debating dialogue with you whilst it is so hurtful and damaging to my health and wellbeing
Again I again I say our marriage isn't breaking down our relationship is suffering greatly but I do not divorce somebody because of ill health so let's talk about friendship and rebuilding that care and love around it

David
I am still concerned about my health and safety
Could you please answer my questions and  reassure me that you are not just, like in the past
trying to ,or have ,because of illness forgot
as you did after our return from Australia when I had to write everything down that had happened ,
have you still got that letter to read and remind you ?
Could you let me know what professional support you are getting just the type or name to reassure me that you are making positive steps to control your issues ,so I can feel safe in retrying to build our friendship relationship ?
What test are you  planning to check and help with your memory and control anxiety and depression
As you know I have whilst you were there reassured you by asking for support when I have needed it seen and had the test to rule out things ie Macmillan Psychologist support groups brain scans bloods etc...these have all been positive steps to ensure health and wellness and adopt a healthy lifestyle to try an ensure a healthy recovery from cancer etc.
What are you doing ? Going back to work after retirement without doing anything else is and appears to others just a head in the sand ignoring your problems and focusi g on others, keeping distracted  to take your mind of the real problems
All you are doing is exhausting and worrying and looks like you don't see me..my safety and health as all that important to you and you just want to forget and ho back to when I cared for you whilst you had surgery and survalliance 5 years ago ?


 

[Enabler]

Hey oxo, thanks for sharing that, this is super interesting reading. I would like to caveat what I’m saying by mentioning that I have only heard your side of the story, I don’t know the full history and I’m making a heck of a lot of assumptions. Please only take validation from this if you can hand on heart see not reason why what she says is truth in entirety.

Reading her message is would seem that divorce is not at all what she wants. However, what she really really really wants is for you to be the problem not her. This mentality strikes me as super common. My W does this very regularly when she attempts to lay it on thick that I have done XYZ and this is the cause for our marital breakdown. Almost like she wants to jump up and down and say “hallelujah I’ve found out it’s all me and you were cool all along and you needn’t worry because I’m fixing me”. I don’t think you agree do you.

She asks for reassurance that you will not hurt her again. I think she means hitting her feelings. I don’t think this is something you can reassure her about since you never intentionally went out to hurt her in the first place, plus, she’s likely to be hurt from even the smallest interaction or slight... it would be impossible for ANYONE to not hurt her.

Did you respond to any of her messages?

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I like images. I imagine 6m ago you were like 2 people on a rollercoaster. You were going up and down round and round and doing loop the loops. You were tracking her emotional ups and downs. Thos was your normal... and emotional chaos is measured as a relative to others, so, because you were going up and down with her, she felt normal, she felt okay. For whatever reason you decided to get off the rollercoaster. You stand still... she keeps going up and down and up and down. Now, her
Relative normal looks a lot different. She no longer has you fluctuating up and down with her to make her feel okay, she is looping up and down all by herself and she can see you being waaaag more in control. She maybe seeing her own crazy for the first time in a long time because you have stopped being crazy with her. Can you see what I mean? For her the up and downs felt normal not disordered, for you they felt disordered and now you are still you feel normal or stable at least.

Enabler

[Oxo]

Thanks for this Enabler does make sense. The longer I'm off the rollercoaster and the longer I'm not being influenced and responding to the projections placed on me .It does feel ( nothing new , she was like this with my mother and most of her work managers  ) that there is investment in maintaining hatered , anger and the perceived monster. . Yet (again something I have always seen) maintance of a fantasy of her parents as idilic who obviously to me significantly abandoned / neglected her . I've always felt there is a big empty space where her childhood/ teenage should sit. I guess (my stuff) - I thought I could fill that empty space and "save her". I realise now I can't. Today I only responded to when she suggested to go together to a health group so I responded positively - later it was taken away again and accusing me of manipulating her sister who has serious mental health problems - my wife had organised I could use her washing machine and I took her sister shopping whilst the washing was on  . I did challenge her accusation by pointing out it was her who arranged it in the first place earlier this week . Afraid accusing me of manipulating a vulnerable person with serious mental health problems is an attack on the very core of my moral compass.I also believe her sister functions much better than my wife would give her credit for and keeps her Ill and childlike today her sister was helping me  . yes I know people with BPD are very good at pushing buttons but just before I an returning to work makes me feel very vulnerable to this type of attack - she.has repeatedly said she is going to protect "others" from me . Going back to work is now frequently coming up  and I would be very surprised if she does not try to sabotage it . I've taken steps to reduce any effects of a disinformation campaign . I am exhausted with circumguessing her next move to prevent further damage.