Don't expect empathy from me

[joshbjoshb]

So I learned how to somehow validate, def. learned how to deescalate, I am starting to work with a coach and overall things are looking up.

We just had (another) one of those long conversation, centering around how bad of a husband I am, and how her situation is so bad - she is a stay at home mom, but can't stand it, but there are also no jobs for her, so maybe she should stay at home and "rot her life" (her words).

And I am sorry, I can't show empathy.

It's one thing when a person is going through a rough time. It's another when their entire life is just feeling a victim, hopeless, and honestly doing very little to change it.

So I told her she should find herself a coach, and it's too bad to see her wasting her life and feeling bad, etc. etc.

I think she more expected for me to agree that her life is just one long episode of misery. But I am not going to confirm that because it's simply not true.

What do you guys think?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MidLifCrysis1]

Well, I can totally understand this: "And I am sorry, I can't show empathy."

Actually, learning about the BPD has made this worse, in some sense, for me. I don't feel so awful myself, but I also struggle to have empathy for - or value even - the things she says, even when she is wailing them out like a banshee.

I find a piece of myself just going, "Yeah...yeah...yeah...I know this script...can you just jump to the end?"
But I find this to be repulsive in myself when I recall how real it all is for her.

The trick I am using is to pay little real attention to the senseless things she goes on and on about except to extract the general topic/source of the outburst. What I DO focus on is that, despite how irrational it all seems, the experience that she is having is as real as any that we can have - to her. The fear and pain are there.

So, what I focus on is that the person I love is suffering (yes...again...) from immense fear, doubt, and pain. And from that vantage point, I can find empathy.

Conveying that empathy to her - so she can internalize it - is an entirely separate challenge...

Hope that helps. Remember to try deep breathing to recharge your calmness and patience.