Oni
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: June 12, 2019, 07:06:24 AM » |
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Instead of giving a complete overview of what has happened, what I have learned, where we are, I have found a way to distill it into a revealing fairy tale. This explanation has made me able to navigate what I am going through and turns out to be a huge help in explaining this to my BPD wife.
I am in a make or break phase right now, so I hope to benefit from this community and the insights of its members.
Cinderella has blisters
The Cinderella Complex is based on the idea of femininity portrayed in that story, where a woman is beautiful, graceful, polite, supportive, hardworking, independent, and maligned by the females of her society, but she is not capable of changing her situations with her own actions and must be helped by an outside force, i.e., the Prince. (from Wikipedia)
These values had been ingrained into my wife from early childhood growing up through war trauma and a dysfunctional household. Cinderella’s bare feet are unique and strong, but the ground is cold, too cold for her to handle.
Now, she finds Prince Charming. The Prince has a need to rescue damsels in distress. From there, Cinderella however landed in a new danger:
The Prince was a Dark Knight. He turned out to be a Narcissist, he made her embrace her identity, don the slipper. But then, as soon as a Narcissist found out she is not perfect, he started to stomp on her feet. The glass slippers break, Cinderella now has to walk with shards cutting through her feet with every step she takes. He will critique the very identity he offered to her and gradually destroy her the way Narcissists do to everyone in their lives. All the while supported by his family, who consider him the heir to the throne.
Once more, Cinderella finds herself in the very position she yearned to escape from in the first place. Only now, her feet are full of blisters and cuts. She is hurting with every step she takes. She keeps wearing the glass slippers, they may have shattered, but they're her identity.
When the pain and the stomping on her feet finally became too much, she started to fight back. And the Drama Triangle begins.
Eventually, after years, she escapes, back to familiar bare feet on cold ground. She picks herself back up, she is strong and independent enough to function alone because that’s also who she is. She has the support of her little mice, though the Dark Knight is constantly trying to take them away from her. He moved on of course, on to the next victim, who he has take care of the little mice for him. Nevertheless, she marches on, fighting for herself and her mice. However, her bare feet are touching the cold ground. While in survival mode, she doesn't feel the pain, but the blisters of course won’t heal.
She still yearns to don the glass slipper, because it is her a sense of self, that feminine identity.
So, she looks for another Prince Charming. It took her years to trust royalty again, but this time she was ready.
And this time, the Prince turned out to be a White Knight. The White Knight, a people-pleaser, thinks he understands what she has gone through. He thinks he can stop the bleeding by offering her a new glass slipper, because, unlike the Dark Knight, he will never break them.
So once more, Cinderella dons the glass slipper, but walking on it hurts too much. The cuts and blisters are still there, they never healed. The White Knight does not understand what he is doing wrong, it’s the same glass slipper, the same kind and size the Dark Knight broke! They fit! So why is she hurting? He can see her feet are hurting, but the glass slipper should make it more bearable, right? Wasn’t this what she wanted? Why is it she won’t get up and waltz with him?
So he does everything in his power to heal her feet. He defeats the Dark Knight. He travels with her far from his kingdom, leaving everyone behind. There are dragons, he defeats them all. He saves her little mice. Yet nothing he does seems to heal her feet! Cinderella cannot stand on the glass slippers, she cannot go to the Royal Ball with him and dance. Yet around him, she won’t take them off either, because it’s the only thing that defines her anymore.
The White Knight tells her she shouldn't wear them if she won't walk on them. She becomes furious, calling him the Dark Knight. To him, these slippers are made for dancing and that's what they should do. To her, these slippers are the only thing she has left, even if she cannot stand on them anymore. And she can only wear them as long as he is around, or they would be meaningless.
Sure, as long as the White Knight promises not to leave her, she can take them off to travel, to go visit her relatives, maybe he himself can even go away for a few days. As long as she feels he will be back, she can be without the glass slippers constantly on her feet. And that's when she starts doing what she does best. She helps everybody, cleans, cooks, even goes for long walks.
When he hears this news, the White Knight is delighted! They for the first time go for a walk together, her proudly wearing the glass slippers that symbolize both their image of Cinderella.
Yet the blisters haven't healed. After the walk, she again can't stand on them.
The White Knight reads all the books in the Kingdom and speaks to wise men. He understands. He still loves her. He still wants Cinderella and he knows she wants her. He still sees hope, if she can heal. But his sword is chipped, his shield is broken and his armor he has sold. A minstrel on the town square sings a song people used to sing of him. Only, his name has been forgotten.
He remembers who he is, in shame and anger. There are no more dragons to vanquish, though Cinderella keeps seeing them.
Right now, he feels like trading his Kingdom for a horse.
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