Looking for ideas to move on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi
This is my first post so I'm not sure where to start. A little background on me.
I dated someone who had BDP for a little over 5 years. It was probably the most difficult thing I have gone through thus far. I was discarded constantly during those 5 years but the final time I was discarded was 2 years ago. My ex has really never reached out to me after that. I'm not sure why, but part of me wants an answer as to why.

Regardless, after the discard, I found BDP Family, read through the forum and found that the similarity of what others were going through was really reassuring. And this site really helped me stay away and try to reclaim some of my life.

Right now, I am still having some issues and would like to pick other peoples brains about it.
1: I still someones go online, plug in his name and see what he is up to. He doesn't do social media so its more following his playlists on YouTube.
2: I still think about how the sex was the best I have had. And I can't figure out how to let it go.

Does anyone have any suggestions that maybe they tried?

Thank you again for reading this.

[Bruce_Wayne]

Hi
This is my first post so I'm not sure where to start. A little background on me.
I dated someone who had BDP for a little over 5 years. It was probably the most difficult thing I have gone through thus far. I was discarded constantly during those 5 years but the final time I was discarded was 2 years ago. My ex has really never reached out to me after that. I'm not sure why, but part of me wants an answer as to why.

Regardless, after the discard, I found BDP Family, read through the forum and found that the similarity of what others were going through was really reassuring. And this site really helped me stay away and try to reclaim some of my life.

Right now, I am still having some issues and would like to pick other peoples brains about it.
1: I still someones go online, plug in his name and see what he is up to. He doesn't do social media so its more following his playlists on YouTube.
2: I still think about how the sex was the best I have had. And I can't figure out how to let it go.

Does anyone have any suggestions that maybe they tried?

Thank you again for reading this.

[Turkish]

Hi BW,

What do you feel is the hook that keeps you wondering for so long?  I don't want to assume, but the sex is a given for a lot of us.  What's underlying that? The adoration at times? Lack of closure?

[Lucky Jim]

the final time I was discarded was 2 years ago. My ex has really never reached out to me after that. I'm not sure why, but part of me wants an answer as to why.

Hey BW, Welcome!  It's doubtful that you will ever receive an answer as to why, at least not from your Ex.  You, on the other hand, have the chance to figure it out yourself.

The reason most of us Nons get involved with a pwBPD usually has its origins in our FOO (family of origin) or other childhood trauma.  Can you identify what that might be?

What is it that "keeps you hangin' on," as the song says?  Following him online seems like rubbing salt in your wounds.  Why are you putting yourself through it?

Concerning sex, I prefer OK sex with a kind person than great sex with a persecutor.  To me, the price is too high for BPD sex.  Plus, I've actually had better sex after parting ways with my BPDxW, so don't rule it out.

Sex with a pwBPD, I suspect, is often intertwined with manipulation.  You could say it's a way to induce F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt).  So I say, let it go and be grateful that it's over.

LuckyJim

[totheflow]

Hi Bruce_Wayne,

Keep your head up! I think in terms of the sex aspect, we tend to remember it as better than it actually was. I remember thinking during the time this is pretty good, not great. And now, that I'm split up with my ex, I find myself craving it and thinking how amazing it was. In reality, it was good, but not that great, and now I'm making it into something it wasn't. Maybe that's just me, but I try to remind myself of that when I get to thinking about the past.

In terms of checking their youtube channels etc, I'm with Lucky Jim. Do you're best to avoid that. It's only hurting you in the long run. When you get the urge to do that sit for a few minutes and focus on your breath and see if the urge will pass. 

[Ecan]

Hi Bruce Wayne.
 Im  over 2 months iin the black hole of no return and I understand what you mean although I wish I could claim that the sex was a hook it wasn't it was the worst.

I have read that every time you allow yourself to connect in any way to them its like getting a Methadone hit from your recovery from Heroin. Unfortunately u have to stay away from as many reminders as possible. I am having such a hard time with resisting the urge to give myself a hit. I fear that being on this site feeds the addiction to her.
With that being said I think Dr Guy Winch has TED talk about "How to fix a broken heart" its about 12mins long its worth a look.

I have also dug into my past and realized my ex has similar negative behaviors as my 3 main caregivers when I was a kid which I think connects me to my ex on a level I don't quiet understand yet. My ex also treated me in positive ways that I longed for my caregivers to do. I can make these connections and feel the pain when they are made I just don't know what to do with them. Do you think this could be possible?
Right now I am trying to see her for who she really is rather than the person I wanted her to be. My denial system is so hard to get past.
I blame myself for everything on top of her blaming me and I have to stop denying her role in all this. I find that I automatically start playing her victim story in my head and that stops me from me seeing what was real.
Do you see your ex's faults?

I think Dr. Winch or some professional said if you can't allow yourself to get angry at them you just can't move on.
Could this be the case with you?

Your not a lone I understand the lingering longing and pain , it took me 30 years to get over my first love and it took someone helping me really see her and forgiving myself for loving her. She was my best friend and straight and she sparked the realization in me that I was a lesbian. She couldn't stay friends with me.
I hope some of this will help.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi BW,

Have you read through the 10 Beliefs That Can Get Your Stuck article?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

I also wholeheartedly agree with previous comments about sex often being a tool used for manipulation.  In my situation, it was the shiny lure that sucked me in... the source of adoration and her praise toward me, but it soon became the weapon she used to punish me for many, many years -through humiliating me and condemning my sexual abilities, through cheating on me and telling me how much better they were, etc.  Literally everything in the relationship revolved around sex, for better (at first) and for worse.

I'm now happily remarried, and sex has its rightful, healthy place in the relationship.  100 times better because its not all about the sex.

[zachira]

I believe we often keep thinking about our ex because we long for love and appreciation, and it can be so hard to find love again when it felt like we had it once with a certain ex. In my experience, unhealthy people have a false front that they use to flatter needy people. I am certainly one of the needy ones, as I was a neglected child, left in the crib to fend for myself for most of the day. I am challenged in obsessing over past relationships that really weren't all that great and being attracted to people that do not have the capacity for loving relationships. I believe that the challenge is to see people for who they really are. Can you practice observing others and share with us what you see? When is someone charming and putting on a false front? How do people that are genuinely caring and loving act? Just some things to ponder that may or may not be helpful. Others have made some good suggestions. Which ideas, if any are helpful of those posted by the members on this site who have responded to your post?