How much detaching do we have to do?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

With my ex, we've been through different levels of detachment after our split a year ago, from NC to LC to chatting on the phone to going on outings and sleeping together (okay, so that wasn't that detached   ) to LC to NC to LC ... you see what I mean.

How much is healthy? I guess it's individual. A couple of weeks ago I asked for space and NC, which he has honoured. Then I bumped into him by accident yesterday, the place we live is not that big. We talked some, I snuggled with our dog who stays with him, and he told me a funny story about about an activity he had done that weekend.

I feel sad that we aren't in each others lives I guess. Or I miss the highs of the crazy connection even though I don't want to go back. I don't have any urges to call or message him, so maybe this is just part of grieving what is lost. I know I'm a little off emotionally because I've bought and eaten half a loaf cake in one go (*ashamed. I'm the type to sooth with food, and have made great strides lately of cooking and eating healthily

[Scarlet Phoenix]

With my ex, we've been through different levels of detachment after our split a year ago, from NC to LC to chatting on the phone to going on outings and sleeping together (okay, so that wasn't that detached   ) to LC to NC to LC ... you see what I mean.

How much is healthy? I guess it's individual. A couple of weeks ago I asked for space and NC, which he has honoured. Then I bumped into him by accident yesterday, the place we live is not that big. We talked some, I snuggled with our dog who stays with him, and he told me a funny story about about an activity he had done that weekend.

I feel sad that we aren't in each others lives I guess. Or I miss the highs of the crazy connection even though I don't want to go back. I don't have any urges to call or message him, so maybe this is just part of grieving what is lost. I know I'm a little off emotionally because I've bought and eaten half a loaf cake in one go (*ashamed. I'm the type to sooth with food, and have made great strides lately of cooking and eating healthily

[Longterm]

When me and my ex split she constantly tried to use me (entitled) and would become angry if I did not do or say what she wanted, coupled with the fact that the smear campaign was brutal I went NC for 14mths.
I felt like it was the only way to defend myself. She tried many many times to get a reaction but I realised that what she thought had very little to do with me. I built a brick wall and in many ways it made me feel like I was in control of what I put up with.

In your case it does not seem like there is much animosity? Is it healthy to still be in touch with him, I dunno but if your having a reaction from contact (eating) then maybe it is not so healthy having that much contact.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Auch, you break-up was rough

No, there isn't much animosity. He was angry about three months back because he "couldn't bare the idea of seeing me with someone else", so he distanced himself. Which is fair enough. He hasn't expressed this in the communications we've had after, and seemed friendly although a bit cautious yesterday.
So this was a long way to say, no there isn't any animosity.

What you're saying makes me realise that the lack of animosity makes it harder for me to detach. So maybe that should be my guide.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Scarlet,

I do think that it is individual. Everyone moves through the stages of grief at their own pace, cycling or even skipping around from one stage to another. I think that possibly the changes back and forth between NC and LC are part of the bargaining stage, and it may take longer for some than others to get to a place of acceptance.

Even after leaving my very abusive ex, I broke NC after three months. We stayed in contact for the next seven months, and I think this was my bargaining stage. Once I went NC for good eight months ago, I find myself in acceptance, but still going through some anger and depression. It's not as intense. I think that continued work with my T will help.

Will we ever be completely detached? Is there a finality to it?

If we experience the death of a loved one, do we ever stop grieving completely, or do we just move forward with the grief, adjusting to it gradually?

I lost both my parents in the last five years. The pain of that is not as intense as it once was, but I still feel sad about it, especially on days like their birthdays or anniversary or holidays. But I have moved forward with the grief, and I feel like the end of my relationship is similar.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I hadn't thought of it that way, IAR. I've seen it something to achieve, something with an end point. When in actuality for me, it resembles the grief of loss of a loved one.

In a way maybe I had the question wrong. It's not so much "How much detaching to I have to do" but more "How do I move forward with the loss".

How I move forward with the loss should help me see how much detaching I need to do. And as I just said above, if the lack of animosity makes it hard for me to detach, it follows that it also makes it hard for me to grieve the loss and move forward.

This is rambling and somewhat philosophical. I guess I'm trying to drill down to why I feel a bit stuck. It seems to be a theme for me at the moment.

[Longterm]

Rambling is good. Your just trying to understand why you feel the way you do and that's fine, it's more than fine.

[totheflow]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix,

I'm sure you will come to the conclusion that is right for you. Everyone is probably unique to this.

My take on this is that I would not be able to detach while keeping in touch with my ex. She broke up with me over text while I was on a solo vacation. She had all of her things moved out of my apartment by the time I got home. She blamed the break up on me of course.

Sounds like your situation was a little different than mine. My thoughts are, I want to look forward and move on to a fresh start. Yes, I really do miss her and would love to talk with her. However, I know it will be bad for me, and I have to remind myself of the troubling relationship we had. We could not communicate then, so no use thinking we would be able to communicate now.

My T had requested that I don't do things we used to do together, or go places we used to go together. My T feels it would be "disastrous" if I ran into her now. I agree as I still feel there is a connection there for me.

Sharing my perspective. I'm sure deep down you know the answer to this question and what is best for you. Good luck with your decision  

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you all for your thoughts and perspective. It does help!