First timer:When things are good, they are really good- but...

[nicole32]

Hello everyone,

So thankful there's a site for support-living with a partner, who, I feel, has BPD. Not one person has diagnosed him, which I'm amazed. His former wife thought he was bi-polar.  Those who are not close, don't experience what close relationships experience, it's now clear why.

 I had no clue what was going on in the very beginning and began asking my then roommate- if he was on any medication? Adderall- 20 yrs.  Very high doses for a long while-- most professionals were in shock a psychiatrist would prescribe huge doses like this. I knew nothing about this drug or the behavior and as a medical researcher, I wanted to know more. I thought this drug was the main issue. I believe, it added sparks to his melt downs but didn't solve much. Adderall was studied 3 weeks only and placed on the market. What does it do to people's brains on it long term? Did Adderall cause his BPD? Espy, at high doses? It's been stated BPD is childhood related. Not so sure in this case. I went through his childhood- asking my partner and his mother.  Any feedback observing this drug past or present?


My partner went into an eating disorder program for 2 months. It helped tremendously and he stated he was finally home-- but insurance cut him off in Jan, which he's been without support 5.5 months. They offer a Thurs support night, but he's not gone for a while. We are now back to the different behaviors and it's soo difficult to continue on this path. I keep asking him to please find a new therapist so he can be diagnosed and get the support needed- but funds have been allotted in other directions.

 Last night he was in the space of criticizing this and that, on and on (gets on a roll, at times, like his brain is in a loop) which is part of what he does when he's not happy with whatever the subject.  Notes here and there posted and emails.  I've talked to his former wife of 29 yrs. I truly felt what she went through but he doesn't see it. Blames her for leaving. Is this part of the splitting? Doesn't see his role?

 When listening to Dr's who treat this disorder, they confirm it's truly crazy making for the one's up close. Boy oh boy!

Looking back, I see traits like wanting to get into a relationship quickly.  I refused for months and months as I wasn't looking and not interested. But he was wonderful, charming, kind, helpful, into service. Is a wonderful grandfather. We have lots in common. This is the personality I love and adore.   I really feel for him dealing with something he really thinks is not a big deal. Never a sorry for the things he says and does. It's like it's left him. Can someone chime in to understand more?

Talking to his family, they all are confused why he has done the things he does.  

 When things are good, they are really good- but then splits and certain things set him off. I can zip my lip for so long. I'm a very patient person but this is beyond anyone's patients, at times.

Sorry...I can go on and on. but will stop for now. Thank you for your time!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  Glad you found us and are reaching out for support.

Was your partner diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?  Trying to figure out why Adderall was prescribed.  I can't really comment on what can happen with long term use of large doses unfortunately.  Does he still see the prescribing physician?

It's been stated BPD is childhood related.

The most recent research has stated that it is about 40% related to childhood/trauma and 60% to genetics.  Childhood issues do not necessarily mean there was overt abuse.  It can be caused by a mis-match in the parenting style of the parent and the needs of the child which can result in an invalidating environment.  A person with genetic predisposition for BPD coupled with an invalidating environment can bring on BPD.

He may not see his role in the breakdown of relationships or even how dysfunctional his behaviors are.  Executive function can be impaired so that certain connections can not be made, like cause and effect.

Please do share more, read and settle in.  Having a support system of people experiencing similar can be a huge benefit.

If you had to pick one area in your relationship to work on, what would it be?  let's see what we can come up with.

[once removed]

hi nicole32, i want to join Harri and say

Last night he was in the space of criticizing this and that, on and on (gets on a roll, at times, like his brain is in a loop) which is part of what he does when he's not happy with whatever the subject.

what was he being critical about? what sorts of subjects does he get this way with?

[nicole32]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for the response.

Comments under yours.

Hi and welcome to the board.  Glad you found us and are reaching out for support.

Was your partner diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?  Trying to figure out why Adderall was prescribed.  I can't really comment on what can happen with long term use of large doses unfortunately.  Does he still see the prescribing physician?


Yes. As a child. He was on Ritalin first. No one really knows but if this is a mental disorder, then something is not right in the brain. One needs to go back and do research far back and find others who also experiencing same or similar issues. We have a few generation of children that may lead us in that direction. 


 The most recent research has stated that it is about 40% related to childhood/trauma and 60% to genetics.  Childhood issues do not necessarily mean there was overt abuse.  It can be caused by a mis-match in the parenting style of the parent and the needs of the child which can result in an invalidating environment.  A person with genetic predisposition for BPD coupled with an invalidating environment can bring on BPD.

The wild part about all of this, I now believe my late father had this disorder. He was revered by many but up close and personal, he had similar issues. This is really a break through in our family system. He traumatized our family when he drank heavily which was months on end for years. My brother may have this as well.

He may not see his role in the breakdown of relationships or even how dysfunctional his behaviors are.  Executive function can be impaired so that certain connections can not be made, like cause and effect.


I'm learning more and more about this disorder. When I read and listened about those with this disorder don't say sorry, that made sense. There's never a sorry. I've been dumbfounded and couldn't understand why as it's clear the meltdowns are not kind. He gets on a roll and dissects as well and it's-- oh well, another day. His 4 daughters, at one point, didn't speak to him. I've helped in that process and now things are better. When I read that there's some under development of emotions, like a child, it also fits. It's like a light is now shinning bright to help me to understand more.



 

Please do share more, read and settle in.  Having a support system of people experiencing similar can be a huge benefit.


Thank you so very much. I'm also recovering from two long term illnesses that have not been kind. A son who has had brain injuries from football and now he's angry, far removed from all of us, which is part of brain injury behaviors.

If you had to pick one area in your relationship to work on, what would it be?  let's see what we can come up with.

I feel it's my reactions after dealing with the behaviors for a period of time. If he doesn't get back into therapy, I cannot continue on this path. I have my own issues. He was doing much better when supported by a group and a therapist. He was happier as well. 

[nicole32]

Thank you for your response. It's really not about what he criticizes, it's because he gets in this space and cannot get out. Like his brain is stuck in a loop. Once he's out, he's kind again. Craziest thing I've experienced in a while.

hi nicole32, i want to join Harri and say

what was he being critical about? what sorts of subjects does he get this way with?

[once removed]

Like his brain is stuck in a loop. Once he's out, he's kind again. Craziest thing I've experienced in a while.

you might be talking about a dysregulated state.

how often does this occur?