UPDATE on my situation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I posted a couple of days ago describing how after my ex and I broke up she would text me asking me for tiny favors, in my mind an attempt to make contact with me. However, that being said, today I dropped it off to her. She came outside to get it barely clothed and she told me I was a huge life saver. Then as she was walking inside I rolled down my window to let her know that if she needs anything else I would be there for her. As I did this I glanced over towards the door and her current boy toy was shirtless looking at me. My guess trying to intimidate me, however, I'm a big guy so he didn't really do much of that. When I saw her and when we were talking everything seemed "normal". I almost got the vibe that she still had some feelings towards me however after seeing the other guy I'm starting to think that I'm just being incompetent. I don't know if I'm necessarily hurt by what I saw as it's what I would expect, we broke up, she moved on. However, what does hurt me is that she can still reach out to me for favors and mentally mess with me by doing this. Their was no reason to do what she did. I'm almost relieved because it justifies how horrible she can be, perhaps without even realizing it. Does anyone have any advice, a story, or a scenario that may shed some light on how people with BPD think?

[Hiscaru]

So I posted a couple of days ago describing how after my ex and I broke up she would text me asking me for tiny favors, in my mind an attempt to make contact with me. However, that being said, today I dropped it off to her. She came outside to get it barely clothed and she told me I was a huge life saver. Then as she was walking inside I rolled down my window to let her know that if she needs anything else I would be there for her. As I did this I glanced over towards the door and her current boy toy was shirtless looking at me. My guess trying to intimidate me, however, I'm a big guy so he didn't really do much of that. When I saw her and when we were talking everything seemed "normal". I almost got the vibe that she still had some feelings towards me however after seeing the other guy I'm starting to think that I'm just being incompetent. I don't know if I'm necessarily hurt by what I saw as it's what I would expect, we broke up, she moved on. However, what does hurt me is that she can still reach out to me for favors and mentally mess with me by doing this. Their was no reason to do what she did. I'm almost relieved because it justifies how horrible she can be, perhaps without even realizing it. Does anyone have any advice, a story, or a scenario that may shed some light on how people with BPD think?

[Longterm]

She will use you as long as you allow it. You just wrote that it mentally messes with you so I suggest you try and create some distance and don't wait on her.

[OutOfEgypt]

So I posted a couple of days ago describing how after my ex and I broke up she would text me asking me for tiny favors, in my mind an attempt to make contact with me. However, that being said, today I dropped it off to her. She came outside to get it barely clothed and she told me I was a huge life saver.

Classic.  My ex would do the same with me, even after I remarried.  Gross.

My ex loved knowing that I was still thinking about her -whether hating her, loving her, or wondering about her.  She would also triangulate with me and other men -in fact most of our marriage was that.  She loved the idea that she could plant the "possibility" in one and stir up competition between us.  Remember... if two men are competing or wondering about where they stand with her because of the other, both are completely focused on her... which is what its all about in the end.  

My sense is she's taking your pulse.  She wants to know that when she throws out a cracker on the floor you'll still run over to gobble it up.   If it means the other guy gets jealous, then bonus.

[Hiscaru]

I mean I see what you're saying in terms of keeping me a little close in case she needs a "backup" to her current relationship but I honestly don't see it that way. If anything I think she's using me. I think she doesn't have the connections and her new guy doesn't have the connections to get certain things, so in a time of need, she texts me. I don't personally think I'll hear from her again, and that's fine with me. I get enjoyment out of knowing that as soon as we split and she got her new guy her life has been falling apart.

[once removed]

are you hoping her asking for favors is a bid to reconnect, or hoping for more connection and feeling disappointed as a result?

[Hiscaru]

I'm honestly hoping for somewhat of a re connection but perhaps just as a friend. I'm not into the whole competing scheme or trying to win her back. At this stage in the game I just want to be someone who she can go to or someone I can go to when nobody else is around if that makes sense. We were very close up until the incident, whether is was fake or not, it seemed like it, and we understand each other more then anyone ever could. I still love her and care about her well being, for whatever reason, and I want what's honestly best for her.

[once removed]

At this stage in the game I just want to be someone who she can go to or someone I can go to when nobody else is around if that makes sense. We were very close up until the incident, whether is was fake or not, it seemed like it, and we understand each other more then anyone ever could.

that makes sense, Hiscaru. it sounds like you miss the connection, the closeness that you had, do i have that right?

[Hiscaru]

I would say you have that pretty spot on. Their are a lot of things I don't miss about our relationship, but the things that I do miss over power the negatives. I mean in my mind she's the one who did me wrong, she cheated on me, I never cheated on her. I feel like the way things have been happening is rather opposite to the normal situation. In my mind, she should be remorseful and should be attempting to make contact in a friendly manner. I understand after doing research that an individual with BPD may in fact look at you as an enemy even though the falling out may have been their fault entirely.

[once removed]

one of the hardest things i learned was that after a breakup, the relationship changes completely. its a lesson ive learned a few times, in a few ways.

i had an ex i was on and off again with over a couple of years. when we were off, i was always wanting to get back together, always hoping for things to go back to the way they were, even when shed get with someone else. if she showed me a little affection, i was ecstatic, until it stopped. i could never adjust.

i had another ex i was very close to. like you, she cheated on me, and she left me for the guy she cheated with. she started treating me like an enemy. it was really confusing and painful for me. today, years later, we are very good friends...we talk about once a month, sometimes more than that, and i go to her annual halloween party. that was only possible after i mourned and grieved the connection we once had, healed from the wounds, and we formed a new, very different connection. we never discussed what happened, there was no remorse or apology, we just moved into a new kind of relationship when we both were ready.

right now, you and her are on two different emotional planets.

you didnt want to break up, so youre grieving the loss of a first love. you are also dealing with the feelings of betrayal and the blows to self esteem that cheating causes. on some level, it may even feel like restoring the connection you once had with her would alleviate those feelings, soothe them. but when she reaches out, and that same connection ultimately isnt there, it stings, and it brings up the pain of those wounds.

meanwhile, shes not in your position. she wasnt broken up with. she had already grieved, on some level. she is distracted by a new relationship and investing emotional energy there, and the two of you are not in each others daily lives as you once were. as ive touched on, she likely also feels a level of shame over the cheating. i suspect to be on good terms with you alleviates some of that shame. and maybe its more than that. maybe she hasnt completely grieved, and wants to maintain some connection, even if its at arms length.

the relationship has changed, and the connection has changed/is changing. but you both want different things from it, and the wounds are still there.

the two of you may be able to be friends. the two of you may be able to form a new, very different, perhaps even more rewarding connection. in order for that to be possible, i would suggest that those wounds are going to need to heal, and the old connection must be mourned and grieved. this will not come as a result of hoping for her to rectify her wrong doings.

[totheflow]

I think in situations like these you will need to take a step back from time to time and make sure you are taking care of yourself and your needs. How are these interactions truly making you feel?

Are you on some level hoping that being friends will become more?

In my case, I knew and was friends with the ex of my girlfriend (she's my ex now) before her and I got together. I met her at work and hung out with her and her then BF often. She came onto me and after her and her ex split up, and we were together 2 months later. We debated when to tell him because it would obviously hurt him. No, I'm not proud of that at all. It was a big mistake on my part. Anyways, she wanted to remain friends with him, only to tell him about us one day before he went on a month long solo road trip. Talk about poor timing. He was devastated. How could she not know how much this would hurt him? It was weird and I thought why wouldn't she just wait to tell him after the trip which I thought we had agreed on. Anyways, I could see how remaining friends, fresh after a break could cause problems like this.

Best