He flipped out - really flipped out

[Isaboo]

This thread was split from:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336352.0

Well its been awhile and things did not go well.  Went over to his house prior to filing the divorce and I guess he suspected something was up.  He was fine Friday night, but Saturday morning we got into an argument over tomatoes.  Yes you read that correctly, "tomatoes!"  He said if I bought some at the grocery store to leave them out on the counter instead of putting them in the refrigerator.  I said OK but it depends on how ripe they are.  He flipped out - really flipped out!  He pushed me towards the front door, he pushed me down.  I caught myself on my elbow.  He grabbed my head and slammed it on the tiles of the entrance way.  He threw all my clothes/luggage on the lawn.  He broke my glasses which I totally need.  He broke my phone in half (kind of amazing strength actually).  He took his key off my fob, destroyed my fob and then locked me out of his house.  So there I was Saturday morning in my nightgown on the lawn.  I could not see and could not drive because my car has no place to actually insert a key.  The valet key only opens the door to the car.   I was not in pain.  ER doc later said that is because of adrenaline.  I got dressed on the lawn flashing the universe in the process.  I rang on neighbors doorbells until someone finally answered and asked them to call 911.  The sheriff department came and arrested him and I went with the paramedics/fire department to the hospital.  I had to borrow one of their phones to call my elderly sweet mother as hers was the only number I remembered in my state and frankly I have become too dependent on my cell phone.  Upshot is that I have had a concussion and while I am no longer throwing up, I am still dizzy.  I had to take a week off of work to "rest" my brain.  My sister drove in and brought the extra fob.  We moved the car to a friend of the family's house and it is still there.  I spent the night at their house because was quite ill and road back to the ATL the next day with my sister.  Picking car up tomorrow as I have been cleared to drive (but only short distances so other family members driving with me) and am off the pain pills now.  Anyway I filed for a TRO in my home state (GA) and filed for a divorce at the same time.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Isaboo]

Anyway... I am really really furious.  I also am embarrassed, I know that is not logical and also maybe I have some inherent snobbery of which I was unaware.  Its just so daytime TV talk show tacky and I hate that he put me in this situation.  I also feel ashamed like it was my fault that I made him angry over tomatoes (yes I realize that's a bit of a stretch- like a mile wide stretch but still).  I am used to handling situations in my job and calming things down and I certainly failed here.  BUT the great news silver lining thing is that any guilt I had over leaving him is completely gone.  Any regrets I had (there were some really fun times) have vanished.  Not looking forward to testifying against him.  While I was down on the floor he told me that he would tell everyone that I just slipped and fell so I doubt he plans on pleading guilty.  I do however, feel sorry for him.  I don't want him to go to jail (he may not- deputy came back to the hospital to get my statement and when I asked he said its a misdemeanor and not a felony charge).  However, I really don't want him to do this to anyone else.  Anyway I called his ex-wife (when I got a new phone) to tell her that it probably was not a good idea that his daughter come over anytime soon.  I don't want anything from him, but am reserving the right to sue (for PI) if this concussion lingers much longer.    If y'all have any advice or just words of comfort I would greatly appreciate it.  I don't want to hate this guy.  I think he is not worth it and I want to be able to forgive him and wash him right out of my hair.  I don't want to think of myself as a victim- darn it I resent that deeply.  I don't want PTSD or whatever.  I blocked him on everything, but my email.  He sent me one, but with no apology or acknowledgement of what he did.  He also charged $350.00 of ebooks on my kindle (it was at his house so I had to have Amazon deregister it).  The books were pretty funny actually.  He apparently thinks that I need to read the Catholic's guide to depression, The Catholic's guide to salvation and some books on emotional intelligence.  Who knows? Maybe he ordered them for himself but I kind of doubt it.  I know its him because he ordered a lot of Hunter S. Thompson books as well- he loves him.

[jomo564]

All in all, I think you got out pretty easy for an encounter with an upwBPD. It was a short relationship, late in your life - and still it was hard for you to end it, even with all that evidence you saw. I'm glad for you.

Be glad, and know that people with less strength than you, less experience, less income, etc. can get trapped much longer and suffer much worse.

[Isaboo]

Thank you for the response.  Yes I think as soon as my head heals I will feel completely lucky.  I am blessed in my family and friends and the support system that they provide.  Still dizzy though and that scares and angers me.  I think the mental health situation in this country is truly broken. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Isaboo-
I’m really sorry for what’s happened to you and caution you not to minimize the after-effects of being physically assaulted by your H.  You are however very fortunate that you had the insight NOT to move in with him.  Thank GOD every day for that insight.

I’m hoping your dizziness lifts soon - concussion symptoms  can take up to 3 weeks to subside, so please be patient with your healing.  And I’m glad to know that you have a strong support system around you during this difficult period.

I’d like to caution you about something.  I too, was assaulted by my ex-H.  19 years together and the action came out of nowhere.  He threw me across the room, was arrested for felony domestic assault.  I was in such a FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), that I dropped the charges and refused all protections.  That was a huge mistake.  I went on to completely screw myself in the divorce.  And he continued to emotionally torture me.

Please take steps to protect yourself.  Even though you’re angry now,  you’re showing signs of being a bit in FOG; you want to forgive him, you don’t want him to spend time in jail, the mental health system is broken, etc.   

You’re going to feel sorry for him, so please be careful.  You also need to use caution in any future communication with him, you’re entering a high conflict divorce.

Forgiving down the road is okay, but that’s for you, not him.  Moving through the stages of detaching from BPD relationships is NOT easy.  I encourage you to post under the detaching board, giving a description of your Relationship and the assault so that members can respond to what’s happening now.  Maybe move parts of this thread and responses to the Detaching board.

Isaboo, I am so so sorry.  We love our partners.  But we cannot love them to wellness.  We just can’t.  I understand, that if you had any inkling he contained an urge to violence you would not have gone there.  I hate that you have to feel this way.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

are you safe right now? is he in jail, going to jail?

[Isaboo]

Thank you all.  Yes I do think I have some FOG now that you pointed it out.  I will be testifying against him if he does not plea.  I could not refuse to press charges though anyway as his state has a "no drop" policy in domestic cases.  I think I am safe at least I hope so.  TRO has been granted and I am currently surrounded by friends and family and am going to get out of dodge (long way out of dodge) for the next few weekends.  My eldest brother is bringing me one of his dogs that he has down on the farm to stay with me for awhile as well.  My husband bonded out after a mandatory 24 hours in jail according to his ex-wife whom he actually called from jail!  She did not call him back until he had already gotten a bond.

[once removed]

TRO has been granted and I am currently surrounded by friends and family

that is really good to hear, Isaboo. how are you holding up?

[Copycat2018]

Hi Isaboo,
I just saw this whole thread today,
And i was shocked at the turn of events. Really shocked.
I'm very sorry that this happened to you.
I did not see it coming either as i read the beginning of the story.

I am writing to ask you or to suggest that you consider to make him take full responsibility for what he did.

I know the feeling of feeling sorry for him and all, but he needs to take responsibility for what he did. To push you down and bang your head? For what?

He needs to take responsibility. Not more or less, just for what he did. That is his only hope. He needs to stop lying to himself.

You are doing him no favor to say nothing happened and that you just fell and bumped your head.

[I Am Redeemed]

Isaboo,

I am so sorry this happened. I know it must have been a great shock to you, as you did not suspect that he would be violent. It just goes to show that we sometimes may never know when a partner will escalate to an extreme level. I was surprised as well when I read what happened, even though I survived a very abusive relationship and consider myself a skeptic now of the potential for someone to remain non-violent.

I am glad you are safe. I understand your feelings of guilt, rational or not, over the incident and about the consequences he may face. You don't want him to have to face jail time, even with what he did to you, and I totally understand that. I suffered many abusive incidents and did not even call the police because I did not want him to go to jail, lose his job, etc. Good for you for not hesitating to call for help. Please try to let go of the guilt and see this as him having to face the consequences for his behavior. He may or may not learn from it, but he should not be rescued from his decision to harm you.

I live in a fairly small Southern city, and unfortunately, domestic violence is common in this area. Most offenders are put on probation, fined, and possibly ordered to take a batterer intervention class, especially for a first offense. My ex had to do all of those things, but in his case, it did nothing to prevent him from offending again. The last assault on me resulted in nine months in jail, and still no change.

I hope you have some time to rest and heal from the concussion. I had one before and it took a while for me to feel like myself again. Take it easy and please keep us updated on how you are doing.   

Redeemed

[Isaboo]

Thank you all so much.  Feeling better but still some vertigo.  Doctor says that my husband knocked some crystals loose in my ears or something.  Doing exercises.  Have not heard from husband thank goodness.  I am still mad, but also a bit sad.  I did love the jerk, but fortunately he really scared me so every time I am tempted to write him an email or something I just remember the look on his face during the incident.  Work has been overwhelming lately which is also a blessing in a way.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Isaboo-

I’m very sorry that you’re stil suffering physically from your H’s attack on you.  I sincerely hope that the vertigo slips away and your physical and emotional balance returns very VERY soon.

In the meantime, I see a bit of myself in you, post the physical attack at the hands of my exH.  I too, completely poured myself into work. I did myself NO favors.  I did go to a psyche, who begged to put me on a medical leave from work and I refused.  If you’re not doing so, please consider seeing a T.  There are after-effects to being assaulted that simmer just below the surface... so important for you to shine light on the impact on you.  We enter relationships, a marriage, because we have dreams... this dream died so suddenly.  And painfully, in every sense of the word.  Please don’t ignore that as you convince yourself you’re “strong enough” to plow through it quietly.  I thought this.  I was so so wrong.  Years later, ouch!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Isaboo]

Thank you, Gems for eyes, for the advice. I was thinking of just plowing on through this and I appreciate your experience.    I have one more big project due Monday and then things should calm down.  I should  reschedule  my therapy appointment as well.  For one thing I am learning that family and friends don’t understand how I could possibly miss this guy after everything that happened and it’s making talking about it  more uncomfortable than it was already. 

[Forgiveness]

I'm so sorry.  Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you are able to share here. Sending hugs.

[Gemsforeyes]

Yes, Isaboo... these are very complex relationships and unless a person has been IN one it’s near impossible for our beloved friends and family to grasp why we cannot simply extricate ourselves and be done.  Period.

After my divorce (19-year rs) I had the brilliance to enter a relationship with another BPD man (with less NPD traits, thank GOD).  I didn’t know ANY of this until 3.5 years into the latter rs.

He presents completely different than my ex-H, and is actually a good person, where my ex-h was not;  but I digress.

The thing is, it’s so vital for your wellbeing and ability to move forward to process what’s happened, not only with the violence, but with ALL of your mixed feelings (FOG included).  You’re likely feeling that “pull” to make contact, but you’ve got to stop yourself.  Remember the TRO.  Remember your fear.  I used to say to myself “I have to remember I feel like this.”; due to my OWN inclination to disassociate the bad things that happened.

Please speak here.  Please speak to a close friend who will listen without judgement.  Please make yourself schedule the appointment with a T who gets it.

True detachment takes time and patience.   There is a grieving process to experience- perhaps explain that to those closest to you.  The only way toward healing and the other side of this pain is “through it”. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Isaboo]

Well I guess I had my day in Court.  Went today to the official TRO hearing with my attorney and my uBDPh was there with his.  He agreed to the year long TRO and signed all the settlement papers giving me everything I wanted plus attorneys fees so that was nice, and it is officially over in a few weeks when the higher judge signs off on it.  My lawyer said it was a total victory, but seeing him even across the courtroom was awful.  I cried silently but obviously.  Could not help myself and was not really prepared for it to see him today.  I hate not being able to say goodbye and good luck to him.  My attorney says he does not deserve that and I guess that is true.  He is responsible for the great majority of this mess and certainly for the way it ended, but I still feel like this could have been handled differently somehow without involving the law and a bunch of strangers.  I guess if I still feel that way in a year I can write him a letter telling him I wish him well and don't hate him, but I really just hope I am over him by that time. 

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m very sorry, Isaboo. 

In spite of the violence, there was love and a personal rs and no one WANTS to end a marriage without saying goodbye.  But in these instances, we have to turn our backs and find a way to grieve.  There is something to grieve.  Love doesn’t instantly stop.

It could help you to post on the “Detaching” board for awhile so you can get help with your emotions moving through this.  There are also Tools on the site designed to help with the grieving process.  Please consider these options.

I’m so sorry... and I do understand.  My 19-year marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes