I couldn't tell you how many of my birthday's and fathers day's have been ignored.

[Old Quaker]

Just a introductory post.  Been with my wife for over 30 years and it's been a nightmare.  She is so self centered and gets really upset if someone disses her on any important day.  I couldn't tell you how many of my birthday's and fathers day's have been ignored.  Not a card, a cake, present, or even a kind word.

Our first year of marriage she did nothing for my birthday at all.  Not even a card.  She had scheduled elective surgery for a few days before my birthday.  It was just a hammer toe and it could have waited.  But she had the surgery, and didn't plan ahead and do anything.  I really thought it was a joke when I got home.  I figured everything was taken care of before the surgery and was hidden.  Turns out there was nothing planned for dinner, I ran out and got take out.  We ate and I just waited and waited.  Near bed time, I asked if I was getting a card or present.  She told me no, she was layed up with her toe and wasn't able to get out and get anything.  She had no friends at the time to ask for help, and 30 years later she still has no friends.  Didn't even ask her mother to help her out.

On my birthday, I ended up waiting on her hand and foot, so to speak.  And she never did make it up to me.  Within a few days she was mobile again and back to work, but the birthday was forgotten by then.

Years ago, I threw her a large surprise party, found some old friends she hadn't seen in a long time.  She had a blast, but never thanked me, or did anything like that for me.  Every year I make a big deal on Mothers Day, her birthday and Christmas.  This past Christmas, I had given her ideas for me through out the year.  Didn't get any of them.  Woke up to Lowe's gift certificates, and half of a tool I needed.  Never did get the other half.  Starting to ramble now.

Just last week she was finishing up her exercise DVD, and I dozed at the end, where the class all claps... . I woke up and went up stairs and soon heard pots and pans being banged around.  Went down to find her very upset because I didn't "clap" at the end of her routine.

So, I don't even have the end of my career or the next chapter in my life acknowledged in any way.  And now she's upset because I'm upset about it.  No empathy, no compassion, no realization that she dissed me.  Just that I'm now mad at her for no good reason.

I guess clapping was a better reason.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, 32YearsFrankee

Congratulations on your retirement. I'm really sorry you describe your relationship as a nightmare. You must feel pretty exhausted and alone.

Birthdays and events are a common trigger and a difficult thing for people with BPD. Has she been diagnosed? I have in common with my gf that we both don't make a big deal out of those events, they make us nervous, and we wish they didn't exist, almost. I understand it is painful, what she does. But you have 30 years of experience with it, why would you expect something different the year 31? You are setting yourself up for pain.

30 years of the same behaviors turn into habits, things we do without even thinking about them. By now she is used to treating you like that, and she doesn't give it a second thought. I bet deep down she cares, but it gets too complicated and intense in her head, all the emotions are, so she avoids facing them. And with time, it got easier to ignore them. But, with the proper tools, you can learn how to comunicate your needs and feelings to her, without making her angry. You are going to need time and a lot of control to bring this up without your own resentment getting in the way.

Has she ever expressed concern about mistreating you? Do you have kids?

It's nevet too late to start making your life better. I hope you make the commitment to start turning things around. Best of luck!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi 32YearsFrankee,

Welcome . Sorry you are feeling so frustrated with your spouse. Not getting special treatment for big events can be disappointing.

To second what JoeBPD81 says holidays and special events can cause a lot of stress for people with BPD. My H is already starting to get stressed about Christmas. Many on this board see an uptick in dysregulations from November through December. I'm not quite sure what causes it, but my guess is the stress of holidays, schedules being off, having to be around other people, and our attention (us non-BPD partners) giving our attention elsewhere. My H and I no longer celebrate birthdays either.

It sounds like these special days are very important to you though so if you want to continue to celebrate them, changing your expectations about them might help. Disappointment occurs when we have an expectation (that we often expect our partners to know, even if we don't tell them) and they fail to meet that expectation. I know that it doesn't seem genuine if you have to tell your partner, "I would like a party" or "I want a present" but sometimes that's what they need. They can't read our minds.

Looking at your expectations vs. your wife's BPD and holidays/special days what would a reasonable expectation for these special days? How could you relay these expectations to her?

[isilme]

I went through this a lot with H early on.  I excused it as we were both poor college students, and even though I always made some sort of deal about holidays and birthdays, he has "forgotten" me several times in the past.

I don't know quite what brought about a change.  It may have been me finally blowing up about it a few times about 10 years in (together 21 years).  I felt some simple grocery store flowers were not too much to ask for Valentines or birthdays, and have always had an Amazon wish list for Christmas (I do not put the moon on there, only stuff I would like but prolly not buy myself).  I think in his case, sometimes he was crippled by the idea it was better to fail by not trying than to try and "get it wrong."  He felt ignoring holidays was better than making an effort and feeling I was not happy with it.

But about 2007, when he started working full time, he got better about it.  I don't know if it was a pride thing if he finally saw other people get gifts and realized I was not making things up, or the fact I got put on antidepressants that year signaled to him I was suffering and it finally clicked. 

I don't know what is going on with your wife.  I am so sorry, I know this hurts a lot.  Have you ever baldly stated your disappointment, at her lack of planning ahead of time for events that happen annually and therefore are not a surprise?  Because I DO know BPD is not one to pick up on hints or subtle disappointment.  You have a right to tell her how you are feeling.  It may do little more than get it out in the open, but it needs to be stated if it's not been so far. 

[Old Quaker]

I've finally just given up.  Every time I try to approach her about something she's done to hurt me, she turns it around and makes it about her.  It's either my fault she did something that hurt me, or she changes the subject to something I hurt her about.

It just never changes.  Been going on forever.

I'm getting off this Merry go round.  I'm moving from PA to SC in a few months.  I have a friend down there who just got divorced and offered me a place to stay.  She needs the support, as she was just divorced by her physically abusive narcissistic husband.  And I'm near physiological death from this continued crap.

Maybe there is life after all of this.

[GaGrl]

Have you told your wife you are moving? How do you anticipate she will act and react through the period you are preparing to move?

[Old Quaker]

I don't plan on telling her.   I'm done.  And I'm done worrying about her "feelings", while she continues to ignore mine.  I'm done with this one sided relationship.

I've been slowly packing while she's in work.

I'm leaving without telling her, and will text her once to get to where I'm going.

And I will not tell her where I am. 

I just do not care anymore.

How many horrible things do I have to listen to?

"I just needed to be with a man my own height for a while"

"It was only for one week".  "I just needed a 'break' from 'it', I was coming back.  'It' meaning my height.

Or "He was huge compared to you"...

Enough

[AskingWhy]

Quaker, I am so sorry about this, and I can totally relate to the abuses of your W.

My uBPD H is covertly incested with his children, and this is still the case even though they are now all near 30.

H has a nice income from a fine job, but was always (yes, always) buying this children expensive things.  A lot has to do with his gujilt when his uNPD XW divorced him and left to marry her lover.  This year, he finally relented and bought me a very nice piece of jewellery (long overdue) for a twentieth anniversary gift.  He then said I was not going to get much of anything for a long time since the jewellery was so expensive.  This man, last year, bought a brand new $50K sports car and a $30K motorcycle, so it gives you an idea of his finances.

Some years ago, H's parents asked for thousands of dollars to help with medical bills; FIL is uNPD and never made a career for himself, so they had nothing saved away.  H told me he was going frugal for anniversary gifts, so I understood why as he was helping his parents.  I was fine with that. H gave me about $100 in trinkets for anniversary gifts:  a poster, a key ring, a t-shirt.  Imagine my surprise to find he gave $500 to one of his Ds for a pair of new skis as a "just because" gift!  No special occasion, just buying her skis!

Some BPDs have a larger portion of NPD.  The more functional a BPD, the more they tend to have NPD.

I am so sorry to hear this.  I am so happy for you.  Be well, and be happy your are empowering yourself to find happiness.

[formflier]

Hey Old Quaker

How long have you been sure you are "done"? 

How do you want to go about ending the relationship? I ask it that way because after the relationship is over you will still be with yourself and your values.

I get the vibe you don't see much use in talking to her about things that are important to you.  Do I have that right?

Once you move, how often do you think you will communicate?

Best,

FF