I Set a Boundary, Now What?

[Firefly2019]

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my brother with BPD. For the first few months of 2019, I felt he was asking far too much from me. Calling/texting felt constant and always like a crisis situation. The conversations were always about him, never about me or just “normal” balanced conversations. I took a step back a few weeks ago, to breathe and reflect. I simply stopped answering as often. Unfortunately, he told my Mom that I must not care about him because he hadn’t heard from me and Mom made me feel guilty. I reached out to him for a couple of “checking in” texts. A day later, he called after I’d gone to bed so I didn’t answer. I woke up to an angry text about how he has nobody to rely on and he’d always answer the phone for me.

I’m tired of the manipulation and the expectation that I should always be available. So I communicated the boundary. For the first time ever. It was insanely hard. I told him that whether or not I always answer the phone should not measure how much I care about him and that it is reasonable for someone to shut their phone off at night. He responded with more manipulation so I said “that feels manipulative” and I told him I’d like to talk more about what we both need from this relationship so I can learn how to best support him while maintaining healthy boundaries. He responded with anger and very mean words, essentially name-calling and “have a good life, I’m done.”

Now I’m feeling extremely guilty and a little lost... do I just do nothing at this point? Do I try to reach out in a few days to say the offer still stands if he wants to talk about the boundaries?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back.   

Now I’m feeling extremely guilty and a little lost... do I just do nothing at this point? Do I try to reach out in a few days to say the offer still stands if he wants to talk about the boundaries?

I would leave it.  You were clear in your communication to him and to repeat it will only bring about conflict and give the impression of being defensive and weak. 

It is difficult to set boundaries at first but you did well.  It is also common to feel guilt.  Change is hard and we have not just a battle of sorts with our pwBPD but also within us. 

Waiting to reach out to him is a good idea.  Does he generally return to baseline after a few days or does it take longer? 

[Firefly2019]

Waiting to reach out to him is a good idea.  Does he generally return to baseline after a few days or does it take longer? 

Thank you for your reply and reassurance. Generally he returns to baseline after a few days. I did text him the morning  after I posted this. Just a quick “I hope you are doing okay today.” I got no reply. I guess I will try again in a week... I’m realizing that along with the guilt, I have a fair amount of fear around him being angry with me. I think just fear that I’ve disappointed him/done the wrong thing and fear that others won’t understand (like my parents) my need to set boundaries.

[Harri]

I’m realizing that along with the guilt, I have a fair amount of fear around him being angry with me. I think just fear that I’ve disappointed him/done the wrong thing and fear that others won’t understand (like my parents) my need to set boundaries.

Do you want to talk about this some more?  Can you anticipate what your parents will say or do? 

[Firefly2019]

Do you want to talk about this some more?  Can you anticipate what your parents will say or do? 

Thank you for the offer to expand on this. I think that they will perceive my boundaries as unkindness, selfishness and maybe even hypocritical. Hypocritical because I have been an advocate for mental health awareness. My parents have been in denial since we were kids. They never believed we suffered from any mental illness. When my brother’s BPD really started to become more apparent and worsened (this January), I had several conversations with my parents urging them to take it seriously. I think they will judge me now and tell me by setting boundaries I am not taking it seriously or offering him the support I urged them to offer.

I think I feel like a hypocrite myself. Which is why I fear this reaction from them... it would confirm my self-doubt.

[Harri]

Hi!

Chances are they will question you.  The thing is, you are not being inappropriate, selfish or hypocritical by setting a boundary.  Boundaries, held firmly and based on our personal values are not selfish and in fact can be quite beneficial to a pwBPD (or anyone else for that matter).

We have an article that might help.  It is written more for a romantic relationship but I think the principles apply to a family member as well. The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship  Sometimes there is a fine line between helping and enabling.  I can't say what your parents are doing is enabling, but it might be possible.  a lot of times the entire family acts in ways that support dysfunction as everyone is affected by it and act in ways to try to stabilize things.  Think of the family as a system with different but connecting parts.  One moves, and all the others follow.  The system/family will act in ways to stabilize the system and sometimes that means we get pushback when we change things even when those changes are healthy. 

When one part, in this case you, changes the normal way of connecting, everything gets thrown off.  For you, you will have the challenge with your parents but also your own internal struggle of changing your habits and the ways you have interacted over the years.  It is all part of the process.  Detaching with love is difficult but necessary.  Being the only one to do so is very difficult.   

Are you familiar with Family systems Theory by Bowen?  Have you tried contacting your brother again?

[Firefly2019]

Think of the family as a system with different but connecting parts.  One moves, and all the others follow.  The system/family will act in ways to stabilize the system and sometimes that means we get pushback when we change things even when those changes are healthy. 

When one part, in this case you, changes the normal way of connecting, everything gets thrown off

This was a very helpful way to think about this. Thank you. I’m going to read up more on family systems theory by Bowen.

I did try to text him once. I said that I hoped he was doing okay. I received no reply. I’m angry because yesterday he texted my husband to complain about me. Saying he’s angry at me and thought that I would be there for him more in life because he would be there for me. It’s as if all of the time and energy I spent supporting him prior to this situation has been forgotten.

[Harri]

I’m angry because yesterday he texted my husband to complain about me. Saying he’s angry at me and thought that I would be there for him more in life because he would be there for me. It’s as if all of the time and energy I spent supporting him prior to this situation has been forgotten.

Ouch!  I am sorry he is responding this way.  All he can see is his pain and that you are not giving him what he wants or think he needs.  As hurtful as it is, from his perspective you are not there for him.  pwBPD have a hard time with strong emotions and for them feelings = facts so if he feels like you have abandoned him, in his mind you have. 

That does not mean it is true and we can not choose our actions based on their feelings.  We can consider them and try to anticipate them but that is about it.

He contacting your husband is an attempt at unhealthy triangulation.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?  You might want to have your husband read it too. 

See what you think.  I am not trying to excuse your brother or minimize your anger but rather give a different perspective4 and perhaps a way to deal with him and keep yourself safe.