It has been awhile, but he texted...

[Will2Power]

I thought I scared him off & made myself "painted black" permanently. I even found someone new and he is amazing. The opposite of my BPD ex. I was getting ready to go out with my new neuro-typical boyfriend, and there it was: "Hey" on my iphone.


I had just gotten out of the shower and click my phone to see the time. I saw his name instead... .He blocked me on everything, and I decided he was dead to me, but then there was this. His name. The words. My entire stomach dropped and I immediately started shaking. All progress out the window.

I HATE that I immediately replied "hi" back to him when I saw it. But the message never delivered. He re-blocked me before I could even respond to him. Which is actually a good thing... .

This was last week and I can't get it off my mind. I almost think he did it just BECAUSE I have moved on and have been healthy.  I am not still in love with him- I think. I am trying to remember all the times he threatened to kill me, himself, my friend... .and all the times he threw tantrums. I checked my bank account (which has been super healthy since he left) to remind myself how much work and money I put into this broken person and how far I have come... .

AND YET, I can't stop thinking about if he is OK. If he misses me ( I KNOW HE DOESN'T BUT UGH!). If he needs me... .

Why the hell do they have to contact us? AND, why does it make me nuts. I literally went to the emergency room a few days later because I couldn't breathe. I didn't even think it could be related to this text situation. The hospital said it was stress related so then I kind of started to think it has to do with this. As silly as it seems that one word could trigger a hospital visit, our trauma certainly comes back when we remember that they are still out there. I feel like I am back to square one. Well, no- square one was a broken person and disassociated zombie. BUT, I am having nightmares, and there is a sadness and angst looming over me. I am curious more than anything. I don't get why he did this. I sort of think his Narcissism was kicking in, and he just wanted me to ruminate about him. That is the only thing I can come up with. I know none of us have the answers because we aren't in his head. But I guess I needed to talk/write about it somewhere where people understand... .because it is driving me mad. Perhaps that is exactly what he intended. He has admitted that in the past, so why would this be different?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi Will2Power

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. What you're going through sounds similar to what I went through to some extent. You're not alone.

I almost think he did it just BECAUSE I have moved on and have been healthy.

I wouldn't be surprised if that is why he did that. Based on my experience with my ex who is uNPD\uBPD, it felt like he was trying to destroy me, punish me, and/or mess with me every chance he got when I was trying to move on and heal. It seemed to me that the healthier I got, the more destructive he got and it drove me crazy.

It could be he was trying to mess with you. It could be he wanted to talk to you for some reason and then immediately regretted it and reblocked you. I don't know and this part really sucks... .you may never really know. I think it's normal to wonder why, though. I also think we have to find a way to stop wondering about it when it affects our own mental and physical health negatively.

Maybe try to focus less on his "why" and more on your "why".  Are you seeing a therapist? A therapist may be able to help you figure out why you reacted the way you did (understably so). Why it triggered you like that so that you can work on it and be able to truly move on. It also may just take time. A therapist (unless you already have one) may also be able to help you find healthy coping mechansisms to help deal with it, should it happen again. Do you have any self-soothing mechanisms to help with the stress? Like meditation or breathing exercises? Can you think of something you can do immediately to help you feel better when you get triggered like that so you don't end up in the ER again?

AND YET, I can't stop thinking about if he is OK. If he misses me ( I KNOW HE DOESN'T BUT UGH!). If he needs me

Have you heard of trauma bonding?  It's basically stockholm syndrome and this reminds me of that. This is also where a good therapist can help. I do this too to some extent. In my case, I worry more about what he's up to. Sometimes I will spend days racking my brain trying to also figure out why he did or said something. I'm still working on not doing it so much. It's hard but I'm trying to get myself to the point that I don't care why he did or said something anymore. I'm trying to focus more on me and my mental health. My obsession over it didn't change anything except make me miserable. So I'm trying to find a healthy balance of trying to guess or understand his "why" but only so that I can deal with it in a healthy manner. I try to ask myself "does it really matter why he did or said xyz? If so, why does it matter to me? Why does it bother me so much?" It's not easy by any means but it gives me something to work with so I can work with my therapist to deal with it appropriately and to move on from it. Does that make sense?

Why the hell do they have to contact us? AND, why does it make me nuts

It drives me nuts when my ex tries to contact me because his messages are usually very abusive. My anxiety usually goes through the roof. With the help of my therapist, my anxiety is usually fairly minimal now. I can use some self-soothing techniques that help me manage it better so I can deal with it appropriately.

I don't see it as being silly at all that you ended up in the ER because of it. Sometimes it doesn't take "much" to trigger someone. An event may affect one person one way and another person a different way. It doesn't invalidate how one reacts or feels. Healing takes time.  *hugs*

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Will2Power, I'm sorry to hear that you received such an upsetting message.  On the other hand, maybe it was a good test run for you to plan how you will respond next time, because there almost always is a next time with a pwBPD.  Maybe you could hit the "Pause" button next time and just observe your reactions, without the need to respond or do anything else.  Just notice your feelings with mindfulness.

Usually those w/BPD get back in touch to find out if we're still on the line, which is why I'm surprised to hear that he blocked you before he could find out the answer.  It's common to throw the Non a few crumbs and see what happens.  Hopefully you will get to the point that you have no interest in those crumbs!

LuckyJim

P.S.  As Nietzsche put it, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

[I_Am_The_Fire]

LuckyJim, I agree with you and your quote reminded me of a book that really helped me start my journey to healing. It's called "What Doesn't Kill Us: The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth" by Stephen Joseph. Have either of you read it?

[vale46]

I had just gotten out of the shower and click my phone to see the time. I saw his name instead... .He blocked me on everything, and I decided he was dead to me, but then there was this. His name. The words. My entire stomach dropped and I immediately started shaking. All progress out the window.

This now, is actually my worst fear. Its been just over a month now for me going complete NC from my ex Fiance with BPD after being discarded for a loser drug dealer and finding out she has more guys on the street corners than i have had hot dinners. I changed my number, took down ALL social media, even changed my address to cut the witch out of my life, to try save myself from any more pain and rebuild whatever sanity i have left. You always wonder if it and, when it (contact) will happen, that email or the text. I don't know what i would do despite doing everything i can to avoid it.

You have had that experience, now you are dealing with it. Its good you can deal with it first hand, now you are in control and you know what to expect if it happens again. What the heck is 'hey' anyway? The nerve. After all the hurt and pain caused, you get a one word text. That childish sh1t annoys me to be honest. What 'reply' does he expect ? Block that number. Block him from everything and carry on with your life like they don't exist. Remember the 'bad' of the relationship. The 'bad' you don't want to ever go back to and anything good was an illusion. Its the only way to think and its now i'm getting by at the moment.

[Ex2BPD]

Me Too! Was it in the air this past week?  "All Vampires! Make contact with your Hosts!"

My gorgeous-to-look-at pwBPD contacted me this past Saturday. The Message:  "I want to talk."

[It's been almost 3 months since one day we were planning to sell our properties and move across the nation to be "in love"... .followed by some unknown mis-step on my part the NEXT day that resulted in a 34 messages-barrage about how much he had Always hated me; and if I responded to his text-bombing he would call the police on me!  hahaha... .twisted logic, I know!]

I've been 'grey' for 6 weeks.

I only Tonight discovered the message (four days later) as I was sorting for messages that had gone from eVite.com to 'Trash'.  Actually, I had spent the weekend with my best-and-trusted longtime guy buddy, and I  have been managing invitations to a big party I'm having in two weeks.

Translation: Life. Back. On. Track.

BUT, like You, upon discovering the Saturday text, the physical/medical reaction kicked in.  Now I'm experiencing Nausea; anxiety. (Not as serious as yours' was -- Yikes! - a trip to the hospital!)

My Life, freshly pieced back together, would Totally unravel If I had realized he was trying to contact me on Saturday and responded.

Continue to Get well. Be Happy. Your note reminds me that I am not alone in kicking this Habit!
Thank goodness for bpdfamily.com   

[once removed]

I am curious more than anything. I don't get why he did this.

if i had to guess? he got spooked.

people with BPD traits are really really sensitive to rejection. sometimes reaching out is about soothing that fear of rejection, to get some reassurance that we dont hate them, which we can all relate to on some level. sometimes the fear of actually being rejected is high enough to override that.

twice, over the course of a year or two after the breakup, i received a social media friend request from my ex. she would wait a few hours and cancel them. i dont think she was playing with me, although i suspect it crossed her mind that i might have responded in some way ("hey, uh, i saw the friend request you cancelled?". i think things ended badly between us, and like me, she had some regret over that, some fear that i hated her, but that making herself too vulnerable (waiting too long for me to accept or deny, or in your case reply) exposed her to rejection and that was really scary.

what do you think?

[stixx44]

I think my ex tried the “backdoor” method of contacting me... .she had her best friend text a close friend of mine (who they met once last year) to invite her to a social function. 

I asked my friend why do you think you were contacted. She replied “It’s obvious.  They want info on you.”

Junior high stuff.

[Lucky Jim]

I asked my friend why do you think you were contacted. She replied “It’s obvious.  They want info on you.”

Junior high stuff.

Agree, stixx44, it's juvenile, yet those w/BPD lack emotional maturity.  LJ

[Lucky Jim]

your quote reminded me of a book that really helped me start my journey to healing. It's called "What Doesn't Kill Us: The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth" by Stephen Joseph. Have either of you read it?

IATF:  No, haven't read it, but would be interested to check it out!  Is it a new release?

LJ

[I_Am_The_Fire]

It's not that new. It's been out since at least 2011.

[Getoverit]

Hi will2power,

I have been through a similar situation and with that similar if not identical emotions you described. Is there any way you can block him? If you want him out of your life I recommend that you block his number and email, etc. By implementing No Contact you will retrain your brain to distance yourself from the drama and the troubling emotions associated to him. At some point you will be able to see how damaging the relationship was and that you have moved on from it. You won't even think about the "why did he" and "does he" questions because he will cease to have that kind of power over you. Eventuallly, your aim will be asking yourself "why do I" and "am I" questions that centered in a future present completely free of him.

What has helped me execute No Contact is like you, looking at my bank account that is no longer drained from supporting him, looking at photos of his ex that he had been lying to me about (he said they were over... .bs of course), listening to voicemails of him screaming at me calling me names saying he wants nothing to do with me and then within the same minute crying about how all I have to do is be nice to him and we can be happy... .It seems crazy to put oneself through this, but it had to be done and I'm glad I found a way to break free from his hold.

Please find a way to get out of his spell and live your life happily. You can't ever buy back time, but you can cherish your future by loving yourself first. That's what he does for himself, why shouldn't you do that for yourself?

[Ex2BPD]

Does it Ever, ever end? ...The surprise re-entry into your life after you've set up every defense to Block the vampire that you once truly loved?

Then:
We were 'soulmates' -- destined through eternity to be together -- yada, yada... You've been there, right?

I've already laid out my story here at bpdfamily: celebrity musician, fills stadiums -- goes off meds, and our love-landscape crumbles in slow motion... I'm watching it frame by frame: It's December 2017.

Yes (!) that was 18 months ago.  He's tried to 'hook' me with just, "Hi! It's me...wanna talk?" messages. And each time I have blocked and sealed off the avenue of contact.

Now:
Then, a couple mornings ago -- as though he were a trial lawyer -- all the accusations he had against me arrive in a Facebook private message.

He must have made a shadow, or second Facebook account. Maybe a Fresh account that had not been blocked. Hateful words, false reality, charges of money stealing when it was actually me who paid his hospital bills, the rent on his music studio, his utilities and car insurance -- the reversal of reality is literally staggering.

In this message he tells me that he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia -- but then goes on to ask me why I would scream, and yell, and belittle someone with a mental illness... Which I never, ever did. Does he have a 'false me' in his head?

At this point so much time -- and life -- has passed since we broke up that I don't even 'feel' what it was like to be in the crazy-survival-dash in which I was a participant. 

But, I am again, looking over my shoulder. Not staying out late at night; locking the door twice, turning on the surveillance cameras.

Q: What in the world causes me -- out of all of his past 'groupie' girlfriends -- to be The One that cycles in to his delusions 'this time'?

Q: When will I be grey enough that he won't see me -- I hoped that memory loss or something would take me out of his conscience. No?

Q: How long before Your BPD-disordered former lover Totally stopped dropping in on you to poo all over your reconstructed life?

[Leonis]

As silly as it seems that one word could trigger a hospital visit, our trauma certainly comes back when we remember that they are still out there. 

It really doesn’t take much.

I came back to this board recently after seeing some chalk work on my ex’s driveway. That was last Thursday night.

All the emotions came rushing back and the memories of the stuff that were said and done.