An Expat Story

[Expat]

I am an accomplished professional in the process of building a life in a new country.  My wife and I came here in a process she drove as she received the job offer (I have plenty to do though( and she could get the visa because of her ancestry.  I am unfortunately here based on the relationship--as a "dependent".  If we divorce or legally separate, I may have to go back to the USA.  I have suspected BPD for a long time and she has many of the traits.  We had some loose agreements about how I would work on my tendency to want to resolve things and help her avoid having to lock herself in a room after starting an altercation, and "provoking" her rage.  And I was supposed to take a communications class.  Well I don't need to tell you that this is probably her not wanting to take responsibility for her traits and controlling me so she would not fly off the handle.  Objectively speaking I am not a provocateur and know how to stop badgering for resolution.  Last weekend I was trying to help her three times over the weekend in a period of multiple stresses for her and in the end, I  feel I was manipulated into "breaking our contract"--she suddenly flew into a rage because I was telling her a story about my daughter--my failure to recognize her stress supposedly.  Rage ensued, I had to sleep downstairs and she (as a lawyer) provided a letter saying I had broken the terms of our agreement and the marriage is over and I need to give her a plan for moving out.  Needless to say this is a simplistic way to black/white version of reality--and I hardly misbehaved.  She was under high stress and could not control herself.  Things have calmed down and we have agreed to live in separate rooms for now to give her space to relax, but she is somewhat sticking by the marriage is over theory.  And of course she wants to do stuff together on weekends with friends to keep up appearances as a couple and during those periods she is all lovey-dovey.  OK, enough--if we were still in the USA this would be easier but in the short term it is very difficult for me to get my own visa (she knows this), and she is now mad that I seem to be taking the relationship seriously only supposedly because I want to stay here.  Not really true--the true story is I see how stressed she is and I want to help and see this trhough because this grand adventure has been 80 per cent great...  Anyway, any advice about how to do all of the usual find myself be good to me stuff without letting this Visa thing causing me not to do the best thing?  Thanks...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoneRanger307]

Idk about Visas, but are either of you guys doing counseling or would she consider counseling as a step prior to divorce?

Have you tried the JADE or MC skills to decrease conflict?