Advice on how to let it go, mom passed, sister suicide threats

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone I'm posting now 1. because I feel like I owe you all an update on what's been going on/what happened and 2. I need some advice on how to continue to work on "letting it go" with no contact.
 My mom wias in an elder care facility for 14 months with dementia, my sister is a person with BPD who we also came to find out is a prescription drug abuser.

Mom stopped eating and drinking but lingered on for 13 days before she passed on July 8, during that time my sister was afraid that mom would die alone and had her homeless friend who is a 50yo son of  sister's best friend had him stay there to watch my mom to make sure that we care givers were doing their job and make sure she wouldn't pass alone. I found out from her when she called that she was spending the night in my mom's room with the homeless friend, next day I called
 the director of the facility and she did not know that he was spending the night and she's gonna put a end to it but she also informed me that a few days prior my sister told her that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills and they found a passed out on the floor. Sister had been making scenes at the facilty and swore at one of the care givers and just was generally upset at everyone there because they are so overworked and not paying enough attention to my mom who is also being seen daily by hospice nurse from outside.  Sister was performing duties of the care givers like laundry and feeding other patients, posting about on Facebook that she had been a care giver for 15 years these people are overworked please donate to Alzheimer research. Etc.
The facility director said that she was going to tell my sister that if things don't calm down that she's gonna have her committed because of her telling her she was suicidal. 4th of July holiday weekend comes and director is not there anymore and sister continues to act like she's on drugs, telling everyone to be quiet, my brother and his wife and their special needs daughter came and sister would not stop talking about everybody being so loud. She was moving around fast, talking fast I thing like she was on drugs so my brother had her oldest daughter come from 2 hours away and at which point sister stop be able to talk and they took her to the emergency room because I thought she was having a stroke, turns out she took one of her friends anti axiery drugs and it interacted with her own perscriptions (which I don't know which they are but I know she's seeing a psychiatric doctor for anxiety and depression and she also has pain issues). Her husband is a vicodin addict and she enables him by giving him her prescription vicodin.
 The ER doctor gave her a brain scan, no stroke, said "you shouldn't take other people's medicines" and sent away, niece  did not tell the ER doctor that she had treatened suicide.
 Sister went back to mom's facility that night and shoved my sister-in-law out the door, in front my special needs niece and then proceeded to grapple wrists, fight with my brother in the parking lot.
 Next day I talked to my sister after I heard about this and she sounded like she was still messed up from drugs or has brain damage or something.

I asked for my nephew to get on the phone, he is 25 and I tried to offer some help to see if they could take her car keys away or if I could send money to put her in a hotel room because she was fighting with her husband non stop and just acting crazy, basically I think she was having a psychotic  episode or I don't really know. I said to him that eveyone is in denial, he yelled and got mad, I then said  this conversation will be productive if you yell and I said I was not saying that to be judgemental it is just what it's called, the word for it, and I just want to help, that she's a drug addict and I'm worried that she's gonna get in the car and if she hurts someone she will go to jail for 4 years and he proceeded to tell me that you just wanna say you tried to help so that I could sleep better at night, and asked me what can he do, this has been his life for the last 15 years" and he hung up on me.

 I talked to my mom a few hours later, when the caregiver offered me to call her own cell, mom was non responsive but maybe she could hear and i got to say goodbye, tell her it's ok to go home to her mom and dad, the next morning she passed.
 I've been seeing a counselor for the past 2 and a 1/2 years over the issues with my family, it started with mom and sister fighting all the time about elder care issues, sister being a typical pwBPD I know now. Mom crashed her car and my sister had to be her driver. They fought contantly.

My therapist gave me the task of going to narcanon (for people who have drug addicts in their life.  This is the same therapist that told me my sister likely has BPD.
 My therapist is giving me good advice about how I need to realize that sister and nephew can only do black-and-white thinking, if I'm not enabling them then I'm part of the problem and anything they says a direct reflection of their own self and I shouldn't take it personally.

If I know my own worth and I'm rooted in who am, love myself, those toxic words said to me can be taken as they are (words from a sick person) and not personally. I'm dreading moms memorial Aug 31  because my nephew will be there. Basically I don't want to talk to him unless he apologizes but I know that's not likely to happen.
 My therapist said hes a kid and the saying he is in denial was a trigger and that I should not take it personally but it's really hard not to and hard to let it go. It's also been really difficult to let go of my resentment towards my sister about having her meltdown crisis during my mom's death.

I am stressing about how I can't really have a relationship with my sister because she's an undiagnosed person with borderline personality disorder and a prescription drug abuser, now mom is gone a don't have any family that really care about me.

I feel like I can't just let it go and be like nothing happened but I don't want to "go there" with any type of argument, explaining my feelings because as long as she has these problems that she is not in recovery for, then nothing will change.

Nar Anon seems like a good place for me.
I thought maybe someone here on this site can help me with how they cope with letting go of family member that they still love. I love her, I wish it could be different.
I am mourning the loss of my mom at the same time as a mentally ill sister.
No one else in my family is detaching from her, just me, so that makes me question myself.
My therapist has all but said I need to cut her out of my life.  I see how that's true but there's been nothing official to make it so and I don't really want there to be anything official like a talk because my words will get twisted as always but how do I get closure? I'm thinking just in time I'll have closure?
 The last time I communicated with her was over 2 weeks ago July 22 when she texted me that we need to share this fingerprint necklace since it was so pricey $200-300 that she and my brother ordered from the mortuary.
 I confirmed with my brother that he didn't want it so she needs to pay for it since it's not a burial cost that comes from the estate. All I did was text back "I don't want mom's finger print necklace"
 She may have texted back but I blocked her # so I don't know what she said since then she had knee replacement surgery Aug 1 and is on pain meds.
 I want have a happy life and not think about this anymore.
 My sister and i only use to speak when I went to visit my mom evey 4 to six months, so it's not uncommon for us to not talk for long periods but there's this elephant and I just feel like I'm hanging.
How do I get closure with no contact?
How do I let go of being hung up on hours before my mom died?

[nomodrama]

Hi everyone I'm posting now 1. because I feel like I owe you all an update on what's been going on/what happened and 2. I need some advice on how to continue to work on "letting it go" with no contact.
 My mom wias in an elder care facility for 14 months with dementia, my sister is a person with BPD who we also came to find out is a prescription drug abuser.

Mom stopped eating and drinking but lingered on for 13 days before she passed on July 8, during that time my sister was afraid that mom would die alone and had her homeless friend who is a 50yo son of  sister's best friend had him stay there to watch my mom to make sure that we care givers were doing their job and make sure she wouldn't pass alone. I found out from her when she called that she was spending the night in my mom's room with the homeless friend, next day I called
 the director of the facility and she did not know that he was spending the night and she's gonna put a end to it but she also informed me that a few days prior my sister told her that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills and they found a passed out on the floor. Sister had been making scenes at the facilty and swore at one of the care givers and just was generally upset at everyone there because they are so overworked and not paying enough attention to my mom who is also being seen daily by hospice nurse from outside.  Sister was performing duties of the care givers like laundry and feeding other patients, posting about on Facebook that she had been a care giver for 15 years these people are overworked please donate to Alzheimer research. Etc.
The facility director said that she was going to tell my sister that if things don't calm down that she's gonna have her committed because of her telling her she was suicidal. 4th of July holiday weekend comes and director is not there anymore and sister continues to act like she's on drugs, telling everyone to be quiet, my brother and his wife and their special needs daughter came and sister would not stop talking about everybody being so loud. She was moving around fast, talking fast I thing like she was on drugs so my brother had her oldest daughter come from 2 hours away and at which point sister stop be able to talk and they took her to the emergency room because I thought she was having a stroke, turns out she took one of her friends anti axiery drugs and it interacted with her own perscriptions (which I don't know which they are but I know she's seeing a psychiatric doctor for anxiety and depression and she also has pain issues). Her husband is a vicodin addict and she enables him by giving him her prescription vicodin.
 The ER doctor gave her a brain scan, no stroke, said "you shouldn't take other people's medicines" and sent away, niece  did not tell the ER doctor that she had treatened suicide.
 Sister went back to mom's facility that night and shoved my sister-in-law out the door, in front my special needs niece and then proceeded to grapple wrists, fight with my brother in the parking lot.
 Next day I talked to my sister after I heard about this and she sounded like she was still messed up from drugs or has brain damage or something.

I asked for my nephew to get on the phone, he is 25 and I tried to offer some help to see if they could take her car keys away or if I could send money to put her in a hotel room because she was fighting with her husband non stop and just acting crazy, basically I think she was having a psychotic  episode or I don't really know. I said to him that eveyone is in denial, he yelled and got mad, I then said  this conversation will be productive if you yell and I said I was not saying that to be judgemental it is just what it's called, the word for it, and I just want to help, that she's a drug addict and I'm worried that she's gonna get in the car and if she hurts someone she will go to jail for 4 years and he proceeded to tell me that you just wanna say you tried to help so that I could sleep better at night, and asked me what can he do, this has been his life for the last 15 years" and he hung up on me.

 I talked to my mom a few hours later, when the caregiver offered me to call her own cell, mom was non responsive but maybe she could hear and i got to say goodbye, tell her it's ok to go home to her mom and dad, the next morning she passed.
 I've been seeing a counselor for the past 2 and a 1/2 years over the issues with my family, it started with mom and sister fighting all the time about elder care issues, sister being a typical pwBPD I know now. Mom crashed her car and my sister had to be her driver. They fought contantly.

My therapist gave me the task of going to narcanon (for people who have drug addicts in their life.  This is the same therapist that told me my sister likely has BPD.
 My therapist is giving me good advice about how I need to realize that sister and nephew can only do black-and-white thinking, if I'm not enabling them then I'm part of the problem and anything they says a direct reflection of their own self and I shouldn't take it personally.

If I know my own worth and I'm rooted in who am, love myself, those toxic words said to me can be taken as they are (words from a sick person) and not personally. I'm dreading moms memorial Aug 31  because my nephew will be there. Basically I don't want to talk to him unless he apologizes but I know that's not likely to happen.
 My therapist said hes a kid and the saying he is in denial was a trigger and that I should not take it personally but it's really hard not to and hard to let it go. It's also been really difficult to let go of my resentment towards my sister about having her meltdown crisis during my mom's death.

I am stressing about how I can't really have a relationship with my sister because she's an undiagnosed person with borderline personality disorder and a prescription drug abuser, now mom is gone a don't have any family that really care about me.

I feel like I can't just let it go and be like nothing happened but I don't want to "go there" with any type of argument, explaining my feelings because as long as she has these problems that she is not in recovery for, then nothing will change.

Nar Anon seems like a good place for me.
I thought maybe someone here on this site can help me with how they cope with letting go of family member that they still love. I love her, I wish it could be different.
I am mourning the loss of my mom at the same time as a mentally ill sister.
No one else in my family is detaching from her, just me, so that makes me question myself.
My therapist has all but said I need to cut her out of my life.  I see how that's true but there's been nothing official to make it so and I don't really want there to be anything official like a talk because my words will get twisted as always but how do I get closure? I'm thinking just in time I'll have closure?
 The last time I communicated with her was over 2 weeks ago July 22 when she texted me that we need to share this fingerprint necklace since it was so pricey $200-300 that she and my brother ordered from the mortuary.
 I confirmed with my brother that he didn't want it so she needs to pay for it since it's not a burial cost that comes from the estate. All I did was text back "I don't want mom's finger print necklace"
 She may have texted back but I blocked her # so I don't know what she said since then she had knee replacement surgery Aug 1 and is on pain meds.
 I want have a happy life and not think about this anymore.
 My sister and i only use to speak when I went to visit my mom evey 4 to six months, so it's not uncommon for us to not talk for long periods but there's this elephant and I just feel like I'm hanging.
How do I get closure with no contact?
How do I let go of being hung up on hours before my mom died?

[nomodrama]

Also two days ago I burned the journal I kept the last year, her name was on every page with lots of anger. That gave me some release a moving on action, but I'm still fighting "morbid reflection" about her.

[Kwamina]

Hi nomodrama

I still remember your last post here. Very sorry to hear your mother has passed. Losing a parent can already be difficult enough, unfortunately all the drama caused by your sister only makes it even more difficult.

How are you coping with the loss of your mother?

The situation with your sister is quite sad, BPD and drug addiction is quite a challenging combination.

I thought maybe someone here on this site can help me with how they cope with letting go of family member that they still love. I love her, I wish it could be different.
I am mourning the loss of my mom at the same time as a mentally ill sister.

Accepting this reality can be hard, very hard in fact. We have a resource here about 'Radical Acceptance' which can be helpful when dealing with these kinds of things: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

An excerpt from what Dr. Marsha Linehan says in the article:

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

One of our longtime members, Woolspinner2000 affectionately known as Wools, started a thread about grieving our losses: Grieving our Losses

Wools quotes authors Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman who have also written about grief:

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss, such as the death of a loved one. It is also possible to grieve in response to a figurative death, such as the loss of a relationship or the loss of the hopes and expectations you had for a relationship.

     For adult children of a parent with emotional deficits, this is a common experience. They grieve for what they never had, or what they may have had only periodically: a stable, validating, and reliable caretaker who allowed them to consistently feel loved, accepted, valued, and respected.

I encourage you to take a look at both these resources.

Take care and wishing you strength and peace

The Board Parrot

[nomodrama]

Kwamina,

Thank you for the advise and well wishes.. I forgot all about Radical Acceptance even tho I listened to an audio book a few months ago.

I feel like my sister has muddied my grief over my mom. I cant process it cuz I'm still relieved I dont have to deal with my siblings and Elder care issues and i am still resentful at sister making it all about her.

My therapist said yesterday she cant tell me what to do when I asked if I should make NC official with my sister but she said time will tell me, it will come bit by bit.
I need to keep reading  and go to NarAnon, I also saw someone mention on here there are support groups for dealing with mental illness. Who knew?

I have one more visit for the memorial, I asked my husband to not leave my side, he is tall and friendly theres no way she will say anything nasty in front of him.
I am still angry this takes away from thoughts of  mom, I should be thinking about her not protecting myself from pwBPD.

The Estate is spelled out but we have to divide her jewelry up at the dinner, theres a list who gets what but its will surprise me if theres no questioning or upset, sister already asked me to trade something last Oct.
 was questioning  my self worth over what kind of person I am to not want to be her friend when she is suicidal. Therapist wisely reminded me all the toxic behaviors and what I have done to help or to have a relationship. It is so clear it is one way street and I cannot. She uses the suicide threats as mindgames to hurt us and a way to get the attention on her. I'm not God, I have no power to change her, only can change myself.  That really stuck. It is the basic bottom line of all struggles, we can only change our own thinking and reactions!

No more drama!