Stay or go?

[Ragnar]

Hi all. I’m looking for some kind of impartial advice.

 So I think(pretty much convinced)  my partner has BPD. She has shown all the signs of it over the past few years. I have a very long story to tell but don’t want to spill my heart out on my very first post but I might have to explain things.

Every area of my life feels affected and when I look back to 3 years ago things have taken a serious decline. We got together whilst we were both in marriages. The stereotyped love bombing happened and we both had this delusional thought that we were the ‘one’ for eachother. I left my home, my wife of 14 years, my beautiful daughter and everything I knew went haywire.  She left her partner and within a year left her marital home keeping a relationship in tact with her 2 young children. A relationship which she has kept to this day. Me on the other hand, my daughter is now a teenager and after having my partner flare up and act both highly intolerant of her and jealous, many times making my daughter feel uncomfortable my daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 9 months.  I know it’s a lot to do with her age but she has said to my parents that she won’t spend time with me as she knows my partner will make her feel unwelcome. And I fully believe she is right.

The red flags began about a month after leaving my ex wife for her. Irrational accusations about me looking at other women, flaring up when I put my daughter first over her(even though I’d destroyed my daughters world by leaving). Arguments about me considering promotion at work as it risked us having less time together. Smashing and crashing around the house over the smallest perceived wrongdoing. Always irrational and never communicates to me at first, reaction before discussion. . Massive jealous rages over contact with my ex wife with anything to do with my daughter. At points I do not know whether I am coming or going and not knowing how to keep her happy and avoiding any arguing. A few months back I told her amongst other things how the walking on eggshells had gone too far for me. She broke down and fought for me to try to fix things as she has done every time I have told her I find it too much, she agreed as she has done several times that she would relax over such matters, she has been to counselling but yet still, even now, although she has got better there is still this irrational unpredictable personality which I struggle to feel calm with. I have made mistakes along the way by changing my behaviour to placate her rather than be myself and let her deal with that in her own way. But I struggle to not accommodate her hang ups and insecurities because I want her to be happy. Unfortunately this has led to my own happiness suffering. I am now at a point where I am questioning my life choices. I have no relationship with my daughter. Feel unable to hold any relationships with friends for fear of setting  her off, I now live 30 miles from my parents, whom for 40 years I lived almost next door to (they have now began to see the real side of her and avoid meeting up with me as much because of her behaviour). I have started to set up my own business, she has said she supports me but whenever the commitment towards setting it up gets too intense for her liking she shows her unhappiness so I don’t feel fully supported. I hide any conversation I have with any female as she thinks I am trying to cheat on her. The hypocritical thing is that she speaks to men a lot and hides it from me, and has now decided that she is ready to change her job role which is likely to lead to us spending less time together, but of course all I have done is support her in that.

I feel like I should end the relationship as it is affecting my mental health detrimentally but my concerns are that we would have to sell our house and I would be left in a financially difficult position, that others would think I was a bit of fool for making these huge life changing choices for it all to end this way, my daughter knowing that things aren’t good between me and my partner has already expressed her confusion about why I did what I did. I don’t know if the love I had for my partner is still there or if I feel the same as I did at the beginning. It’s been a very hard road and I can’t see it being any smoother further on  up the road. The attrition caused by all the crap times minor and major  has probably broken things. I think maybe I am holding onto the dream of it somehow being perfect at some point if I just hold on. But that point never comes. The issues aren’t as frequent now and when they do come I tend to back away from dealing with it and ignore it. As is the usual routine she will flare up or go withdrawn. I will ask what’s wrong  and get nothing only for her to let it all out hours later. I am left reeling as I am usually baffled as to how the issue could have even been an issue and I then withdraw whilst she is then trying to charm me for affection and I just can’t give it as I am back to thinking I should leave her. The next day it is as if it never even happened with her trying to be the nice version of herself. . I wanted things to be good for us and saw us as having our own little blended family unit, but my daughter is nowhere close to coming back into the fold and I am left ostracised with just my new partner and her 2 young kids, far from my parents and daughter wondering how the Hell it came to this.

Should I just pull off the plaster? Is it ever going to get any better? She won’t communicate with me, I try and try, I am a talker but the more I try the more she shuts down. I feel trying to talk things through is pointless at this point. We will cover old ground and best case scenario I will be given reasons to try and told things are better than they used to be. I just don’t know what to do. Any thoughts and experience in these types of matter would be gratefully received. Thanks. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ragnar]

Apologies for the title of my post. In retrospect  I realise I shouldn’t have called it what I have. I’m just desperate for any support I can get around this as my parents are supportive one minute and then condemn me for my life choices and tell me I have made my bed and have to lie in it and make the best of it the next. So I end up bouncing from one decision to the other back and forward. Putting everything I can into this relationship to make it work and then feel deflated when my partner flares up again leaving me feeling stupid for trying. It’s causing me a lot of pain and although things have got better the bad times feel heavier and more impactful than the good and though less infrequent still weigh heavily on me. Added to the deep sadness I have about my daughter not being in my life it all feels too much sometimes and I have had suicidal thoughts as that feels like the only way out.  I would never act on those thoughts but it’s the first time in my life I’ve ever felt this way. I wouldn’t put the fallout of that on anyone’s shoulders and I know it’s just my brain looking for a way out. I am quite emotionally balanced or at least I was before this relationship.

[Ozzie101]

Hello Ragnar and welcome!

It definitely sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. The good news is that you've found the right place. We're a supportive community and, believe me, we get it. We understand what you're going through. And we can help you. No one here will tell you what to do, but if you choose to leave, we can help walk you through that. If you choose to stay, we can help with that too.

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and you're emotionally worn out, which is understandable. (I've been there, done that.) Are you now or have you ever seen a therapist? It's something that I and a lot of members here have found invaluable. Support systems in general can make a huge difference. Therapists can function in that role. We can be that for you here. It sounds like you're dealing with separation from your parents and daughter but are there any other friends or family you could turn to for support? People who would be nonjudgemental and trustworthy?

Also, do you have any hobbies? Anything you do just for you to recharge your batteries? Self-care can do a world of good in giving you the strength and clarity you need to handle your situation.

Whatever you decide to do, it's a big decision not to be taken lightly or made in a time of heightened emotion. But, as I said, we can help you walk through your thoughts. We're here. Keep posting. We're listening.

[Ragnar]

Thank you.  I had a counsellor last year due to suffering depression surrounding my daughter, but it was through that process that I realised how deeply my relationship with my partner was affecting me.  I didn’t go through that process expecting to speak about her so much but 50% of the time was spent on how I felt I was going through emotional abuse and how I may not be remaining in the relationship for the right reasons.  My counsellor advised me to set a date that I would use to review the relationship and talked me through all the reasons to stay or not with my partner.  I set that date and it came and went and if I am honest I think it was for other people rather than myself that I kept with her.  It was around the date I’d set that my daughter went out of my life again after temporarily spending time in our lives for a few months so my decision making process was clouded by what was going on with my daughter.  I kept putting the pain of making that decision off because Christmas came and went then my birthday, all just excuses really to hold off the pain of it. 
Around April time I felt I couldn’t deal with the situation any longer and I decided we should split.  But the inevitable promises to change came out and I agreed to work through things ‘one last time’ again!  I brought up how I felt alienated from my family and friends and how I couldn’t live with the reactions I got from messaging my ex-wife about my daughter, damned if I told her about contact and damned if I didn’t tell her and then she found out later down the line (she was regularly checking my phone at that point in time, justifying that with saying that I check hers all the time, which I have never done). 
Her response was to take time off work for herself and get counselling, and to spend more time with her own friends.  But my issues leading to wanting to split have remained.  Things seemed to have got better but recently (this past month) the same triggers have elicited the same old responses, with it feeling like unless the actions I take come from her that she takes issue with them and causes a reaction from her.  The difference now being that rather than fight and argue with her each time I tend to go quiet and ignore it at the time, but then I feel like I can’t get back on with things as its been left unresolved, but with her moving on the next day like nothing’s happened or that that flare up was OK to have happened.  But for me these flare ups are building like bricks on my back and I feel like our relationship is back at breaking point again, but I think she has no idea how I am feeling. 
My daughter has spoken to my parents and mentioned she might like to meet up with me, but has said quite categorically that she won’t come to see me at my house because she knows my partner will not make her welcome (In the past acting like a teenager when she spent the weekend at ours, ignoring us both all day and hiding herself in the back of my car with her hood up texting on her phone as my daughter and I scratched our heads at what could be the issue.  Later that evening she had a full Jekyll and Hyde flip and became happy and full of beans and apologising to us for how she’d acted, that was almost the last straw for me until my daughter, when driving her home talked me out of splitting up with her as we’d both been through so much).  That plays on my mind and I have a lot of resentment towards my partner because of this.  My partner tends to talk a good game but never seems to back her suggestions and ideas up with actions, they invariably fall flat and issues get caused, in part leading to my daughter not wanting to spend time with us both.  I am really worried about yet another flare up from her if and when I tell her that I am meeting my daughter at my parents for a meal without her.  She has previously said how she disagrees that I class my daughter as her main priority, saying she puts me on the same level as her own children.  She doesn’t agree that if my daughter asked to meet me for a coffee at short notice that I would drop things (within reason) to meet her to try and rekindle our relationship.  Knowing that’s how she feels makes things extremely difficult for me to accept moving forwards. 
With regards to hobbies/activities, we both enjoy exercise and train at home, sometimes together.  We work almost an identical shift pattern and all our rest days are shared.  I do spend the odd afternoon with friends but that’s rare and causes an uncomfortableness and I know she doesn’t like me being away from her.  She sees her friends fairly regularly but of course she sees that as a necessary and justifiable thing, I don’t disagree.  Any time I make any plans on our rest days that don’t include her she has to find something to do to fill her time.  I don’t know if this is a need to avoid separation/abandonment issues for her?
I do tell my parents everything that’s going on and how I’m feeling but they seem to think I am being unnecessarily agitated over it and should just get on with it. 
One of my good friends is aware but indicates that if he were in my position he would have walked away by now.

[once removed]

We got together whilst we were both in marriages.
...
accusations about me looking at other women, flaring up when I put my daughter first over her(even though I’d destroyed my daughters world by leaving). Arguments about me considering promotion at work as it risked us having less time together.
...
jealous rages over contact with my ex wife with anything to do with my daughter.
...
I wanted things to be good for us and saw us as having our own little blended family unit, but my daughter is nowhere close to coming back into the fold and I am left ostracised with just my new partner and her 2 young kids, far from my parents and daughter wondering how the Hell it came to this.
...
I think maybe I am holding onto the dream of it somehow being perfect at some point if I just hold on. But that point never comes.

in order to resolve a problem, we have to understand the seeds of its origin.

affairs begin as fantasy, and when they do lead to a relationship, they breed distrust between both parties. in the back of one or both partys mind is the question "would they do that to me?". on top of that, people with BPD traits have inherent distrust issues to begin with.

it isnt a judgment, its to say that affairs tend to form a very shaky foundation for a long term romantic relationship - to the extent they survive, its often fueled by particular, necessary drama.

you have a tough road ahead in leading this relationship into a healthier trajectory, and building a more stable foundation, if it can be done. whichever path you choose (improving or exiting) will require letting go of (and grieving) the idea of a perfect union. my guess is that you likely have not fully grieved the previous relationship either, so there is a significant investment in the fantasy aspects of the relationship and idea of unobtainable perfection.

She has previously said how she disagrees that I class my daughter as her main priority, saying she puts me on the same level as her own children.  She doesn’t agree that if my daughter asked to meet me for a coffee at short notice that I would drop things (within reason) to meet her to try and rekindle our relationship.  Knowing that’s how she feels makes things extremely difficult for me to accept moving forwards.

this will be a critical conflict to resolve between the two of you, if possible. it sounds as though you both have different values and priorities here. it is difficult, if not impossible to blend a family if this is not reconcilable.