Mom with BPD - struggling to adjust with diagnosis

[ADV]

Hi

My mom has been diagnosed with BPD (with a secondary diagnosis of alcohol/substance misuse) in the past month. She is getting treatment and I am happy for that. My brother possibly has it too, he is refusing to see a doctor to check.

In the past week, my mom has had several times where she has really broken-down and dissociated. She at least says now that she feels overwhelmed. But I am really not sure how to communicate with her and help her through when she feels like that. The smallest things set her off and I am trying to remind her of the positives but she is so focused on the diagnosis and how she is trying to fight numbing her feelings with substances.

I am seeing a psychologist and she shared some tips with me but when the break-downs happen, I feel sad and overwhelmed myself (while trying not to show it to her). I just want to deal with this in the healthiest way. But this is hard because it is early days in her treatment.

I would really appreciate any tips that have worked for you in similar situations.

Thanks.
ADV

[Harri]

Hi ADV and welcome to the board. 

It is great that your mom is in therapy and you want to support her.  It is a tough road for the both of you and for you it is important to have a support system as well.  We can help with that part. 

The best advice I have is to learn about some of the defenses that pwBPD (people with BPD) tend to use when dysregulated.  Understanding what is going on helps to depersonalize the behaviors so that we can respond more appropriately rather than reacting.  The defenses used, like projection for example, are things all people do at some time or another but they happen more frequently in pwBPD. 

The other thing is to learn communication tools and boundaries.  We have lots of things I can refer you to to read but it is *a lot* of information.  Self care is going to be vital for you.  Taking breaks, having a support system and even using the tools.  The tools don't just help your mom they will aid you too by helping to keep things calmer.

If you had to focus on just one challenge you have with your mom what would it be?  What is the biggest one?  Lets work from there.

Again, welcome.

[ADV]

Thank you for your reply Harri. It is certainly very useful, especially after the day I have had.

I would say that the most difficult thing at the moment is her disregulation/dissociation. She just gets so overwhelmed, makes no sense and doesn't remember a thing. She cries so much and I get very scared about her hurting herself or someone else.

Today it has been really bad. I honestly don't know. I have joined a support group near-by for us to go to together, but I  feel like she needs more support. It is difficult and I hate to say this but I am feeling so overwhelmed myself by this. I don't know if I can take care of her and my brother all by myself.

[Harri]

There is little we can do when a person is in the middle of a dysregulation.  At best, we want to respond in ways that protect us and ways that do not escalate the situation further.  I don't know if this applies but maybe?  Sometimes when we talk to someone who is upset we are invalidating in ways we don't realize, especially pwBPD where the disorder is one of emotional regulation.  Trying to reason with someone or even soothe someone can backfire big time. 

One of the things we can do is learn about validation, or rather not invalidating a person.  See if this resonates:  Don't invalidate

That said, self-care is a must in your situation.  One person can not be the sole source of support and I think that is especially true when it is a family member like a parent.  Boundaries are vital.  Accepting that you can not soothe her but rather she will have to learn to soothe herself is hard, but necessary.

You mention you are afraid she will hurt herself or someone else.  Can we talk about that some more?  Does she make threats?  Is she violent?  What is your level of contact like with her and your brother?