Relationship Difficulties

[hopeful1073]

Hi, everyone.  I am new to this group and am hoping to find guidance that will help me improve my relationship with my long-distance partner, who has BPD.  I have been reading a lot online and am trying to modify my way of communicating with him with the hope that this will improve our situation, but I must admit that it can be quite frustrating at times and I often feel very alone in navigating through the issues we deal with on a regular basis.

Here a bit of background about us.  We have been together for a couple of years, during which time my partner's mother passed away.  (He also lost his father and sister during the prior two-year period, so he has had a tremendous amount of loss to deal with over a relatively short period of time.)  Shortly after his mom's passing, the bpd symptoms started to appear and then ultimately they became full blown.  Oftentimes, I am treated as enemy number one (which suggests splitting to me), and I have had to endure extreme raging (with no physical abuse), excessive lying, "manipulation" (I realize this is not the best way to characterize the behavior, but I do not know how else to describe it), and a variety of other very extreme and hurtful behaviors. 

After dealing with extreme mania that started around a year ago for six months or so, I was finally able to convince him to see a psychiatrist who prescribed him lithium for bipolar disorder.  I realize that there are many similarities between bipolar disorder and bpd, but he exhibits symptoms of both disorders.  The lithium has managed to tamp down his mania, which was fairly constant.  He still experiences some mania, but the episodes do not last as long.  He recently has been evaluated for a DBT program and he hopefully will begin the skills courses in that program soon.  I am hoping that he will adhere to the programs requirements of showing up and participating in all the sessions.  That remains to be seen.

My partner does not work and I support him 100%, which causes a great amount of distress for me.  He does not want to cooperate with me on limiting spending and often accuses of me of being too controlling when I put boundaries in place.  Whatever boundaries I put in place, they are tested repeatedly. There also have been times when I have given in - to try and give him the chance to show me that he will act responsibly, etc.  But so far, those attempts have always failed.  I am trying to work on myself when in comes to setting these boundaries and not giving in to his demands/threats when I am unwilling to bend them.

I am not perfect.  The relationship has become so challenging that I, myself, do not always have appropriate reactions to his behaviors.  I have said mean things when hurt.  I also have threatened to leave in times when I no longer could bear the stress.  However, I also have committed myself to learning all that I can learn about this disorder and actively working on improving our situation as a couple.  The long distance part of our relationship makes everything all that more difficult.  It is meant to be temporary - but it has become more long term mostly due to job opportunities for me.  (More on this at a later point - too much to unpack here.)

So, here I am - looking for another avenue to learn about skills and techniques that may be helpful.  Thank you for reading and for providing this forum for those who need connection with others who are experiencing similar things.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.